no you don't tell her where you are going? For what purpose? yes, mystery, use it, she doesn't need to know where you are every waking second, that would be boring, you aren't boring anymore (or at least trying not to be)
Should I ask her to go with me and the boys to see a local yearly attraction or not. She will refuse to go.So why ask. But if I don't ask it will annoy her and give her further reason to dislike me. But there again, it will show I am trying to move on and do things without her.
She will be annoyed with you no matter what you decide. Make the best decision for YOU. This is how I would handle it:
1) Tell her "The boys and I are going to XYZ on XYZDay". 2) Wait, wait, wait. If she wants to go, she will let you know. I think it is better for her to miss you......
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Should I tell her where I am going on Thursday night
DO NOT TELL HER WHERE YOU ARE GOING. If she asks, "Out with friends". Short, vague answer. DO NOT BE BORING, Be mysterious.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She did go with me to my appt. She had made an effort in her appearance. Her hands were shaking. We got on well, a lot of light talk upto and during my appt. When we got home there was some R talk.
She spoke how we should keep things civil between us and not hurt anyone else in the family. She said it would not be fair to affect anyone else just because WE couldn't communicate Bingo - this is the biggest reason for our sitch. imo. How can we not affect anyone else? We have kids for Ch***s sake.
She spoke of how her depression clouded her thinking and that she regrets how she left, and that she left for the wrong reason - anger. She asked if i would have changed if she had not left. Would I have changed the same if she had said' If you didn't start listening and change I will leave you' she asked. She said that her EA has run out of money, and that the EA's wife may lose their house as they can't pay the bills.
When she first arrived she made a comment that lead me to think that she wouldn't come with me and the boys to a local yearly attraction. Now she said that she would like to go and I said I would pick her up at 7. We left on v.good terms and she said she needed to change to go out later.
With only 45 mins to go before I picked her up she rang. Boom. She very tearfully told me that something had come up and she couldn't go.
The boys were mortified. I was a mess inside - but the overriding emotion was ANGER. I put on a 'What if face', and told the kids we were still going.
On the way there I received a text telling me 'Tell the boys I am so sorry I couldnt' go and tell them that I love them so much'.
Well we had a good time.
It was such a shame after a day full of baby steps and good communication that it had to end on such a low. Anger. That she could allow something to disappoint the boys so much. Anger. I did not give her any reason to let me down like that. From other things that she said are going on in the EA's world, I can only think that the EA has had a bad day and thrown a spanner in the works - ie his back had gone, or his wife had asked for a D or something - like I could give a rats F**k. That he could spoil it -ANGER. Anger that she used the phrase 'whatever happens between us....' She is still unsure what she wants and only time will tell.
ANGER ANGER! ANGER!!
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
You will continue to be on this emotional rollercoaster until you realize that you are making these changes to be a better you and not to get your W back. Were you going to the event to have fun with the children or going for an opportunity to be with your W? You need to get use to doing things for you, not just to work on your relationship. It is all part of detaching. Your W is on the emotional rollercoaster right now. Don't let her pull you along for the ride.
This is not easy, but you need to strive for this mentality. You need to be using the phrase 'whatever happens between us...' and finish it with 'I know I will thrive and be happy.'
To have a night out with the boys and have some fun. To show that me and the boys will still do things w/o her. To give the chance for my WAW to come along.
She is using the therm' Whatever happens between us' and this hurts - I expect that this shows she is detached from me...?
I have started to use this phrase to myself and to confidants, but it is difficult.
Anyway, I must keep my chin up and push onwards. Me and the boys are going swimming tomorrow - It may be an opportunity to drown myself, (Gallows humor).
Regards Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I have started to use this phrase to myself and to confidants, but it is difficult.
Using it does not mean you are giving up on your marriage. It just means you accept the reality of your current situation and you know that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way. When you accept that you can't control everything and prepare yourself for the worst, you will gain confidence that everything will be alright no matter what happens. Confidence is an attractive attribute.
I did see it as a way of saying I had given up a little on the M. Strange thing is that I know I cant control everything, but I think I am open to the thought that we may D - but have not fully accepted it.
Since I have been applying the DB methods,4 Wks, I have seen improvement and more and more baby steps. Yesterday was full of baby steps - until 'something turned up'.
Perhaps I am getting too ahead of myself, thinking that this will be over in a few weeks..... because of the baby steps.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I did see it as a way of saying I had given up a little on the M. Strange thing is that I know I cant control everything, but I think I am open to the thought that we may D - but have not fully accepted it.
Since I have been applying the DB methods,4 Wks, I have seen improvement and more and more baby steps. Yesterday was full of baby steps - until 'something turned up'.
Perhaps I am getting too ahead of myself, thinking that this will be over in a few weeks..... because of the baby steps.
Regards, Gyn.
Even with baby steps it can be two steps forward, one step back. Patience is key. When negative things happen, just work on getting back your PMA (Positive Mental Attitude). Coach once told me that the ones that are successful on these boards are the ones that look at the positives in their sitch. You have positives to focus on. You can do this.
...I know I cant control everything, but I think I am open to the thought that we may D - but have not fully accepted it.....
Face your fears of D, otherwise your actions will bring D to you. If D is the worse thing that can possibly happen, determine how you want to behave when it happens, then let it go, and everything else will be easy to deal with. The path one takes to avoid ones destiny often leads them to it. All these statements resonate with me. Accept that you may be divorced and that you will be OK no matter what W decides. Make as many personal change in YOU that make you happy, and W will notice and start second guessing herself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
With only 45 mins to go before I picked her up she rang. Boom. She very tearfully told me that something had come up and she couldn't go.
YES, they will do this.
Lots of choices here: "You sound sad" and wait...... "I understand, it must be hard for you"....... "I understand"..... "Perfect!"
Let her leave a message. Do not answer the phone when she calls. Gives you time to determine what response (if any) to give her.... You can listen to her TONE and determine how she is FEELING. You can compose yourself and project happiness in your response, text a response, not respond at all. YOUR CHOICE.
Test and observe. Your actions now need to be counter intuitive.
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On the way there I received a text telling me 'Tell the boys I am so sorry I couldnt' go and tell them that I love them so much'.
Who is responsible for this relationship? You or her? Let her deal with her relationships and YOU deal with yours. [/quote]
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
