Magnificent

[mishka422]

I belong to a very large church with lots of resources. Unfortunately, the resources are already stretched too thin with everyone losing their homes, jobs, insurance coverage, etc.. On emore on the role just isn't possible.

I've asked for as much help as I can stand to anyway. They did refer me to a wonderful counseling center that got my costs reduced to a bare minimum since I have no insurance.

Trust me, the embarrasment factor is huge. I can barely stand to ask one of my family members to pick my mom up from dialysis if I'm working. I'm really not sure why that is, but I think it might have something to do with admitting I can't do everything myself. That shows weakness. That shows inneptitude and disorganization.....all things which I am but I can't bear for others to see it.

See....more of that mask wearing.

I think I'm diving deep again, God help me. I'm supposed to be working on a self-esteem guided journal for C but I can't get past the first page. What it is asking is something I don't do - watch the news and do not make judgments based on the news given, just absorb the facts and reflect on it. Makes zero sense to me and I never watch the news. First, there is no time for that, and second it's too depressing and skewed.

One more thing, and 2x4 all you like but I refuse to change my mind on this one. I basically forced Gabe's hand and made him pick Marc up Friday night to stay at his place and spend time with Marc. Yes, I manipulated it, only because I have been determined that my time is my time (this was supposed to be Gabe's weekend) and that Gabe should spend time with Marc. Well, no more. Gabe picked him up around 6pm Friday, watched a movie on the couch with him that night and took him 'yard-sale-ing' Saturday morning. Marc called me around 11am to ask if he could spend the night at his friend's house Saturday night instead of Gabe bringing him home when I got off work last night. I told him yes, guilty the whole time because I was relieved since I had plans to go to a friend's house after work to watch a movie with her. I then found out today when I picked him up at his friend's that Gabe left him there right after he called me. So, Gabe basically spent a total of 9 waking hours with his son. The point is? I fought so hard to get him to spend the weekend with him for what?

No more. I told Marc that from now on I will not be asking him if he's going to his dad's. I will assume he is not unless I hear otherwise. I will assume that I have him 24/7/365 from now on. Gabe can go have his happy little life of freedom from parenthood and all responsibility and I will just have to live with the knowledge that he will receive his just punishment for all of this in the afterlife.

What an a$$!

Can I run away now? Please? I really can't handle anything else.