One thing I have learned in this is that what you believe is how you need to live. Whether you call integrity, loyalty, or just being true to yourself in the end you answer only to yourself. In 6 months you may change your mind and say "The marriage can't be saved", but when you look in the mirror you will be able to say "I tried" which is a lot better than "what if". To me it is a form of self-actualization...sticking to ones beliefs and loyalties is some times hard, but the person making the finally judgment is very tough, because it will be you.
From coming here and reading the books you have the tools you need, you have the end goal, and you have the integrity...so now is the time to look in the mirror and make that man proud!
Remember at one time...there was only one guy who thought the world was round and that is all it takes!
You and I could be brothers...seriously. My wife used to complain about my health (overweight) and my teeth. I just could never get around to addressing this even though I had a treadmill, bowflex, and dental insurance. It does suck that it takes times like these to make us realize those things...but that is how life goes.
Great to hear you had good day.....the beginning of many good days in a row.
I asked to talk to her, to which she said if it weren't for kids she would never talk to me again. Blah,Blah,about what she did and i missed,etc. Told me to quit focusing on her.
I did not argue, just asked her to google a midlife crisis and said listen when ur gpa passed that was the final trigger,why else do u think u got so angry with me all the sudden. She said if that makes me sleep better at nite,great.
I did not argue or defend, apologized for areas she hit that were right on, said i can't do anything about the past.
i was making a last ditch effort, but i just googled mlc and there isn't really any of the symptons that i found when i first started looking this deal up.
by the way she said her cnslr told her she didn't agree so much with mlc, that wife had depression and now awakening from it.
Ayk....Should I just give you a 2x4 to beat yourself with. Seriously....everyone on here has recommended that you cease these conversations with your wife, yet you still feel compulsed too do it. You need to listen to them....Any relationship conversation that you suggest or start will be pure garbage...I mean just pure garbage. By you suggesting/asking for the conversation you have placed her in a corner and the evil spew will achieve nothing is what will come out. Good conversation with an MLC are initiated by them period. When it happens they will feel safe and comfortable enough to really share their true feelings....anything less than them starting the conversation themselves is no good. When you can finally practice self-control and wait for her to start one of these conversations you will be amazed at how different the conversation is.
If you want to make a last ditch effort...follow the advice of Jack and the others to the letter. That will be a true last ditch effort for you. Last ditch efforts usually involve the most energy and pain. In your case talking with your wife about the situation is much easier than not talking about it....take the harder path and close the mouth. She will talk eventually....it just has to be on her terms not yours.
For your clarity AYK, MLC is technically not a psychological accepted problem. Some therapists will not even bring it up since the psyche profession has not endorsed it as a disease. I almost have to agree....it is more of distinctive pattern of behavior. Depression is very entwined within this pattern and is a common diagnosis. By bringing it up to your wife, you are almost saying "You are broken wife and I am better than your therapist because I know what is wrong". How would you take that from somebody you hate at the moment? Not very constructively and at a minimum think "F*** you".
So let's do a finally last ditch effort evaluation:
1-You initiated a conversation she didn't want 2-She responded predictably negative 3-You alienated her by bring up your OPINION (which she doesn't want to hear) 4-You disagreed with her therapist's diagnosis (Who she trusts more than you) 5-You didn't follow anybodies suggestions 6-You caused yourself unneeded grieve.
Damned if you do chuckle head. Better if you don't.
If we told you not to stick your tongue in an electrical socket...would you?
You aren't going to get her to see your truth. And that is what the truth is...subjective and relative to the person viewing it. Her truth is...willing ot bet, that you are a controling clinging fruitcake.
You change her truth by proving her perceptions wrong....over time.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You know, I just wish you would stop trying to be right. Stop trying to make her see your point of view, you don’t even know what it is. Stop trying to make something happen because as you see, it isn’t what you wanted to hear.
I realize that Limbo is the pits. I realize that you feel like you have no control over anything right now. But every conversation with her just reinforces that feeling.
It makes no sense, but AYK, STOP trying to fix your marriage.
START really really trying to fix you.
Learn about patience because you are going to need it if you are really going to let this happen the way it needs to. You have even less patience than I did (and I had none) so this will be a major challenge for you.
START with one small goal, and go from there. STOP trying to make this quick. STOP trying to do it all at once.
Listen to the people who are trying to help you because you have some great people investing a ton of time here. Because they think you might have what it takes.
Good luck.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
