Gima, The way I figure, you stickwith Greeks advice and one of two things will happen:
1) A much better Gima will be out of (honorably) catering-to-wife-limbo-land You will be (fortunately or unfortunately-only time will tell - a man headed for a D which was always a possibility from day 1.
2) You may shake her taking your temp. staying 3 steps ahead world to he core. Maybe she'll change and you'll be pursued.
Anyway, I agree with Greek. You gotta get moving, get processes started, let her see them getting started, detach, go dim, mysterious and aloof and shake up her status quo to the core.
Time for THE Gima 180..
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks Dia and Gardener. The wedding ring coming off was the 1st 180. Earlier today, I did another - S had baseball game and I usually take S and come back to pick up W and D. Not today. On the way out the door, W asked if I was coming back (for W and D). I replied with I don't know, I'll let you know. Once there, I sent her an instant msg that I was staying at the field - also asked her to pull some stuff out to thaw for dinner. Her response: Lthat's fine."
I don't have much hope this all ends in us staying together. So, focusing on me and the kids.
I agree with everyone here. No card. "Thanks" and don't open it. Don't be home when she is. Go dark as much as possible. It's working for me (this week) and it feels good.
Listen, this summer, when my H left, I had gotten to the point where I not only accepted that my H left, but felt I didn't want him, like there were "better guys out there " in my imaginary world.
Guess what. When H finally said, ok, fine, I'm getting ready for a D too, it scared the hell out of me. Just like the DB philosophy predicts. It became REAL and suddenly I wanted to work it out. I've been trying ever since. (3months now)
What I'm saying is - believe people when they say if you make it REAL for her that you ARE GONE, instead of her reacting to the fact that you want to stay with her, it may feel like a completely different story then.
If not, you will move on and gain your power back.
So stop doing stuff for her! And make her get a job and pay some bills for goodness sake.
Hi GIMA, I got your message a few minutes ago and have been trying to catch up on your thread. But now my meds are kicking in and I've got to turn in for the night. Missed several days of work last week and have to get back on track tomorrow! But, I promise I will be back and find out what's going on. You've got good folks keeping you company around here, and that's great.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's late here, and I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just had a 2.5 hour conversation with my W that started when I said I owuld be taking over the bill paying and managing finances. That went from there to other topics I'm too tired to cover right now.
The first big topic was that she thought it was disrespectful for me not to wear my wedding band the last 3 days and that it was disrespectful for me to go out on Friday night on the spur of the moment. I said I didn't take off my wedding band to hurt her. I took it off b/c it was a symbol of our comittment to one another. She said it was a sign I was not available to others. Hmmmm. If she doesn't want me anymore, why would that matter? Or am I reading too much into that?
The majority of the discussion ended up with me talking to her about either Retro and/or MC. I would talk about these programs, then she would respond with all of the resources to help the kids through D. I am talking about saving the M (at the same time I acknowledge I cannot stop her from D) and she is talking about one alternative - D.
Towards the end of the discussion, I may, and I mean a very BIG MAY, have reached her the tiniest bit. She said she was too tired and would be nodding off soon - she did look tired.
One thing I DID see was emotion. She said all of her emotions for me were dead and "never" coming back. But, there were also tears in her eyes. I do believe her that her feelings, or her perception of her feelings, for me ARE dead. It's the "never coming back" part that I have an issue with. I truly believe she believes that. But, it is impossible to say what might (another very BIG might) happen with Retro and/or MC. All I am asking her to do is go. What do we have to lose.
At one point, she said, well if this is what you need, then I'll go. I said that would not work unless she approached it with at least an open mind.
Given this, I have to re-think the card for tomorrow. I have put my wedding band back on. Club me for those two if you think it is warranted. But, she isn't coming back with the ignoring her approach. He!!, she may not (probably won't?) come back anyway.
Another great poster on here, Thinker, talked his wife into Retroville and, even though he tried not to, put so much emotional weight into the weekend that when his W sabotaged it by just going through the emotions it actually knocked him back several steps.
I'd say no card. I'm also wondering about the wedding ring. She sees some significance in it. My W stopped wearing it more than a year ago and -- I am sad to say -- did not realize it for several months. I was lost in my own fog.
I forget. Is she wearing hers? If she is then keep yours on. If she's not, take yours off.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Another great poster on here, Thinker, talked his wife into Retroville and, even though he tried not to, put so much emotional weight into the weekend that when his W sabotaged it by just going through the emotions it actually knocked him back several steps.
I'd say no card. I'm also wondering about the wedding ring. She sees some significance in it. My W stopped wearing it more than a year ago and -- I am sad to say -- did not realize it for several months. I was lost in my own fog.
I forget. Is she wearing hers? If she is then keep yours on. If she's not, take yours off.
She has worn her wedding band every day. Not her engagement ring, but her band. She even said she did this out of respect for me. Not saying I buy that, just what she said.
I am very puzzled about the ring for her. I think the most likely reason is she does not want to have to discuss this with other people.
