Magnificent

[mishka422]

Well, you prevent them from really being in your life in the first place by staying behind a mask. So they can't really disappear if they aren't there to begin with.

True. Just can't do it yet. Too scary. There is such a myriad of thoughts that are buried deep. I have let a couple of them fly while deep in discussion with close friends but it sounds pathetic to me and I don't want meaningless platitudes from them to soothe me. I don't need soothing, I need a completely new way of thinking and some guidance on how to get that.

Example:

"I'm terrified of growing old and sick and being all alone with no one in my life to help me."

Friend's answers: Oh, you won't be alone. You have Marc.

Trust me, that's worse. No one seems to comprehend that Marc will not be able to completely care for himself in his lifetime, let alone care for me. When they say that the fear expands to "I won't be able to take care of myself, who is going to care for Marc?"

The reality of my situation overwhelms me most days and I can't get past it. There is no way that I want to be conrolled by my circumstances, but when they are so all-encompasing and getting more extreme by the day, the circumstances become who I am and what I am.

Did that make any sense? I'm not sure. I'm so tired that I'm not sure I'm even coherent!