I think my love is real. It sure feels that way - now, more than ever.
When I said I need to make me better, I meant now. I need to get through this day. I need to be a better man for myself, my kids, for our future. But right now, I just need to feel ok.
No I am not a quitter. Certainly not at this. But...it's more than just "so what". I blew it.
I am sure to my wife this was not some test from her. She wasn't testing me. That's the reality that hit me today, she couldn't bother to waste one second testing me. I have failed every "test" in the past. She has no more tests for me.
Of course I am not the kind of man she wants to be married to. I wouldn't even know this site exists if I was. Can I be? Yes! Will she see it? believe it? be willing to risk being hurt again? I honestly don't think so. Sometimes one partner is truly done.
I love her because I do. I love her because it feels right. I don't love her because I want things from her. I can get things from other women. Yes, I want her to give me her world and give her mine back, but right now I don't actually expect anything in return for my love. I just want her to accept it.
As for your anology, today it feels like I am investing in Lehman Brothers the day before the poop hit the fan.
I have no choice other than starting all over again. The problem is finding a happy median between being realistic and being positive.
Can I really do my work so well, that I can actually bust our divorce for a second time? I refuse to give up, but it just feels so hopeless at the same time.
