Very bad day today. I have lost all my confidence and belief that there is any possibility of saving my marriage.
A simple comment to wife this morning, led to an R talk in which I forgot every db basic. I cried in front of my wife, showed my neediness and dispair. I was weak, unattractive, and desparate.
To make things worse, D18 heard most of conversation. That led to a rare talk between us, but that was the only possible good thing in an awful day. My daughter and wife are very close, and daughter told me just how much my wife wants out NOW and how much she hates living with me - even as "pseudo spouses".
Later, my wife confirmed she really does feel that way, and is only here now, for financial and logistical reasons. I also found out she does not want to celebrate our anniversary on Nov, 7 as she previously agreed to. Basically she just agreed to appease me. She is also more sure than ever that she will move out in June.
Even more pain - I found out neither of our kids want to stay with me after wife moves out. I had planned on staying in our house for the year separation legally required for "simple" divorce here in Ontario. It goes against my core being and dbing, but the only reasonable option at that time, may be for me to move out. I will deal with that probelm then.
Right now, I have to find a way to just be ok. I got smacked by reality today and it hurts. There is a danger in dbing - thinking that you really can change things. You need to be positive and believe, but that can also set you up for gut wrenching disappointment.
I am lost today. I want to cry. I want it over. I am empty. I ache. Somehow, I need to get it all back together and still try to save my marriage, but be better prepared for the worst. I need to make me better.
Is your love a real love or a selfish love, is your love about loving your wife or is it about what you're getting out of all of this?
Read that last part you wrote.
"I need to make me better"
What you're purpose with this. You want to do something but what's your goal?
Yeah you backpedalled something fierce and you pretty much destroyed any progress you had been making.
But so what.
Are you a quitter?
This is a test.
You are being tested.
Are you the kind of man your wife wants to be married to right now? NO
Can you be? Maybe - I think that part is up to you.
Do you love her because you're selfish and just want her to be there for you and do stuff for you.
Or do you love her because you love her and want to do things for you?
Someone made a pretty good analogy about this the other day, if you view your marriage relationship as an investment, where whatever you invest, you want greater returns from, you are looking at it the wrong way and setting yourself up for failure & disappointment. Don't expect to get more out of her based on what you invest in her & the relationship - you're not investing in your relationship to get something out of her, you're investing in her & the relationship because you love her and want to do these things.
Pick yourself, dust yourself off, start back on DAY 1, back to basics.
