This sounds like it might be EXACTLY what your mother (and you!) need!! It would be great if someone came in and set something up for when she does go home - that you can't be her-everything person, and that she has to do some things herself, or get outside help on a scheduled basis.
If it is a similar set-up to near me, there should be a social worker that comes in to help set up discharge and follow-up plans. Please, take advantage of it!
"That facade (mask) is my safety. There is a lot of fear in me that if people see me, really see me, they will all disappear from my life."
Well, you prevent them from really being in your life in the first place by staying behind a mask. So they can't really disappear if they aren't there to begin with.
Well, you prevent them from really being in your life in the first place by staying behind a mask. So they can't really disappear if they aren't there to begin with.
True. Just can't do it yet. Too scary. There is such a myriad of thoughts that are buried deep. I have let a couple of them fly while deep in discussion with close friends but it sounds pathetic to me and I don't want meaningless platitudes from them to soothe me. I don't need soothing, I need a completely new way of thinking and some guidance on how to get that.
Example:
"I'm terrified of growing old and sick and being all alone with no one in my life to help me."
Friend's answers: Oh, you won't be alone. You have Marc.
Trust me, that's worse. No one seems to comprehend that Marc will not be able to completely care for himself in his lifetime, let alone care for me. When they say that the fear expands to "I won't be able to take care of myself, who is going to care for Marc?"
The reality of my situation overwhelms me most days and I can't get past it. There is no way that I want to be conrolled by my circumstances, but when they are so all-encompasing and getting more extreme by the day, the circumstances become who I am and what I am.
Did that make any sense? I'm not sure. I'm so tired that I'm not sure I'm even coherent!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I worry about that too. It's an extra stress for sure.
Mish, are you into church at all? I know some people aren't, and I'm cool with that, but just I know there are some churches like mine I go to now that will do anything to help out other members. A woman in my Sunday School class today was sharing how she was so overwhelmed about everything & money and all when her H developed cancer a few years back & they had to stay in a hospital hundreds of miles away. A relative of someone from our church in another town where they had to go for treatment offered to let her & her H stay with them as long as they needed (and it wound up being 16 months)! Churches can offer a lot of help & support; and just knowing that I don't feel completely alone b/c of them helps me out a lot. If you're not interested, then never mind.....
I belong to a very large church with lots of resources. Unfortunately, the resources are already stretched too thin with everyone losing their homes, jobs, insurance coverage, etc.. On emore on the role just isn't possible.
I've asked for as much help as I can stand to anyway. They did refer me to a wonderful counseling center that got my costs reduced to a bare minimum since I have no insurance.
Trust me, the embarrasment factor is huge. I can barely stand to ask one of my family members to pick my mom up from dialysis if I'm working. I'm really not sure why that is, but I think it might have something to do with admitting I can't do everything myself. That shows weakness. That shows inneptitude and disorganization.....all things which I am but I can't bear for others to see it.
See....more of that mask wearing.
I think I'm diving deep again, God help me. I'm supposed to be working on a self-esteem guided journal for C but I can't get past the first page. What it is asking is something I don't do - watch the news and do not make judgments based on the news given, just absorb the facts and reflect on it. Makes zero sense to me and I never watch the news. First, there is no time for that, and second it's too depressing and skewed.
One more thing, and 2x4 all you like but I refuse to change my mind on this one. I basically forced Gabe's hand and made him pick Marc up Friday night to stay at his place and spend time with Marc. Yes, I manipulated it, only because I have been determined that my time is my time (this was supposed to be Gabe's weekend) and that Gabe should spend time with Marc. Well, no more. Gabe picked him up around 6pm Friday, watched a movie on the couch with him that night and took him 'yard-sale-ing' Saturday morning. Marc called me around 11am to ask if he could spend the night at his friend's house Saturday night instead of Gabe bringing him home when I got off work last night. I told him yes, guilty the whole time because I was relieved since I had plans to go to a friend's house after work to watch a movie with her. I then found out today when I picked him up at his friend's that Gabe left him there right after he called me. So, Gabe basically spent a total of 9 waking hours with his son. The point is? I fought so hard to get him to spend the weekend with him for what?
No more. I told Marc that from now on I will not be asking him if he's going to his dad's. I will assume he is not unless I hear otherwise. I will assume that I have him 24/7/365 from now on. Gabe can go have his happy little life of freedom from parenthood and all responsibility and I will just have to live with the knowledge that he will receive his just punishment for all of this in the afterlife.
What an a$$!
Can I run away now? Please? I really can't handle anything else.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"No more. I told Marc that from now on I will not be asking him if he's going to his dad's. I will assume he is not unless I hear otherwise. I will assume that I have him 24/7/365 from now on. Gabe can go have his happy little life of freedom from parenthood and all responsibility and I will just have to live with the knowledge that he will receive his just punishment for all of this in the afterlife."
This sounds to me a lot like acting out because you are pissed. You are hurting yourself and your son. Stick with the custody arrangements. It isn't your business how XH spends his time with DS as long as he is safe.
The problem is Gabe doesn't want the custody arrangements and leaves it up to Marc to decide if he wants to come or not. Left up to Marc entirely, he doesn't ever want to. Seriously, if you were given the choice to stay home with all of your stuff where you are comfortable or go stay with someone in a house where you have no place to sleep other than the couch and have nothing but what you shove into your bag that is yours, would you go?
Gabe doesn't encourage Marc to come be with him. That is the issue and I'm tired of it. It's a losing battle for everyone so I will not ask anymore, period. I can't force Gabe to man up and be a dad.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I'm sorry you are having all these tribulations with X. When I get caught up with work I will try and get caught up on all this rhectoric he's spawned now.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Mom is staying in the hospital for a while still. They are now relatively sure she has an infection in her heart and have started IV antibiotics. She was supposed to have an esophageal EKG today but they postponed it until Wednesday. She's hanging on.
That being said...........since I'm not bringing her home today I accepted an invite to a concert tonight. KISS!!!!!!!! It's their '35 and still alive' tour. What a riot! My bff is taking her son and a friend of his and wanted company so she had some fun too. YEA me! Marc is hanging at my cousin's house tonight and going to school with her two kids tomorrow morning. He's pretty excited about that since he gets to show up in a car driven by one of the most popular kids in school who is a senior and one of the 'jock girls' who is a junior. Doesn't matter that they are his cousin's, at school they are 'GODS'. It makes me laugh! They are so sweet and look out for Marc all the time in the halls when they see him.
Gabe has been pumping me via text as to why he has to drop Marc at my cousin's house after karate. Am I picking up my mom, going to see her, what? I didn't tell him. None of his business. I made arrangements and that's all that matters.
I'm looking forward to the spectacle of KISS in concert. LOL!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oooh, why not be evil? Reply back "Nope, not my mom, going out for the night"...or something like that. I am sure you can word it better than I can!
Hooray for going to the concert! Another night to have fun and let loose a little, eh?! Good for you Mish. Plus your son gets to boost his rep at school showing up with the cool kids in the morning...
I'm so tired that I'm not sure I'm even coherent! 
Reply back "Nope, not my mom, going out for the night"...or something like that. I am sure you can word it better than I can!