I hear you Gardner, maybe it is very immature and highschoolish but I do feel it gnawing at me that some guy at work is spending "quality time" with my W and that something needs to be said. I am holding off for now to see what transpires but maybe if S happens, that would be the time. Or maybe it would be better from a DB standpoint to act like I could care. Very confusing, I have been a "Nice Guy" in our relationship and I know that I need to man-up in a lot of areas moving forward but don't want to make any stupid mistakes.
HBH, Just wanted to check in. Thank you for stopping by my thread & your words of encouragement. Just read through your thread & don't really have any advice but just know you have my support in this awful situation we all find ourselves in. Wishing you all the best, LFA
The main reason I can't leave her is because I am not willing to leave our house when this is her A.
That is not the main reason you aren't leaving her. The main reason is b/c you are afraid of losing her.
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She did say that before I confronted her about the A that she had the apartment lease papers but had not signed them because she was confused over the positive feelings she had but that after our "talk", she didn't see anyway this could be worked out now.
Can you try to step outside of this for a minute and take another look at this statement. This is so common for a WAW. She is playing games with you. She is saying, "Well, before you messed up, I was thinking about staying, but now I doubt I will"........ppplease! She is pulling the strings and expecting you to be the puppet!
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I could leave her on an emotional level if she were to stay here and continue A.
Can you explain that to me?
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I am pretty sure that she does not have any intention of ending it anytime soon at this point because after confronting her, I would have expected some sort of apology or acknowledgment of guilt by now if she did.
Just b/c you confronted her did not cause her to feel that she should apologize to you. Remember, she has the mindset of a WAW and it is very different in how you think.
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What I do know is that she has changed her phone lock code (saw her enter it last night and it was not the same). Based on this, I would say she still intends to pursue A.
So, my question goes back to why you cannot leave her. Does it matter if she is in the house or an apartment to have her A?
I really do not see her as being in MLC, but that is JMHO. She is certainly a WAW, though. To be honest, I think she got bored and turned off in the MR and wants to see a man with some "action". I know what it is like to have depression. But it is very hard on the S of those that are depressed and based on what you've said, I get the feeling that she needs to see you do something that makes a powerful statement. I don't know that I can explain this very well, but you leaving her should be a wakeup call to her. Instead of you looking passive, it would cause you to take on a point of action in your life. You are taking control.....and I think she needs to see that. What I see in your posts is a man who is waiting around for his WW to decide which man she wants........and that is pathetic. Are you going to sit and wait until she is finished with her A--and then be available in case she might want you? That is not attractive!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for checking in on my sitch. I do agree with you that right now, I am in a position where I am waiting on her to make all of the moves which means that she still controls this whole thing. I know that I need to make some very bold moves but at this point, they may have to be 180s because me leaving the house is not an option right now (especially financially). Whether she stays or goes (still don't know), do you have some suggestions for 180s that might make a powerful statement to her given my recent history of apathy and depression?
Thanks for the advice, I do feel myself getting stronger as I am no longer emotional at all around her. This was my first big 180. Just don't know how I should act if she remains in the house.
Whether she stays or goes (still don't know), do you have some suggestions for 180s that might make a powerful statement to her given my recent history of apathy and depression?
Apathy? A good 180 would be to find some new interests or hobbies to pursue (or old interests to pick up again; is there anything you stopped doing when you got married?)
Depression? "Act as if" when she's around. Practice detachment.
Remember, 180s aren't about making statements to your spouse. They're things that you want to do for yourself; the statement that comes out of those is that you will be a happy and healthy person regardless of if she is in your life or not.
Originally Posted By: HurtButHopeful
Thanks for the advice, I do feel myself getting stronger as I am no longer emotional at all around her. This was my first big 180. Just don't know how I should act if she remains in the house.
Loving detachment. Act as if.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Apathy? A good 180 would be to find some new interests or hobbies to pursue (or old interests to pick up again; is there anything you stopped doing when you got married?)
Doing things just for fun. I think responsibilities got the best of both of us so I need to learn to relax and have fun again. GAL will be hard for me, we both focused almost exclusively on each other for so long. After the last cross country move, I did not do what I needed to do to develop close friendships locally. I have a close friend that has helped support me through this but he and all of my family are 1000 miles away. I have to GAL from the ground up which seems very intimidating.
Over the past couple of years, I had started picking back up on an old hobby (guitar) which I did when I was young. In some ways, I think both of us lost ourselves in the MR and we were both attempting to rediscover ourselves over the past couple of years.
Wow! I just went over to the "I'm thinking of leaving" forum and read a post by a WAW who is struggling with resentment over the fact that it took a bomb to wake her h up. Someone please 2 x 4 me if I ever do that again. I can't believe how much hope I just lost. One thing that confused me is that it appears that her h is acting "as if" and she is frustrated as to how he can act as if nothing is wrong. Feeling down and very confused right now. That post offered a good yet very humbling and painful view into the perspective of the WAS. I feel like I have been a terrible husband to not have noticed her reaching out to me when she did.
That post offered a good yet very humbling and painful view into the perspective of the WAS. I feel like I have been a terrible husband to not have noticed her reaching out to me when she did.
So the next time you're talking about the R with your wife and she says "I tried to talk to you and you just wouldn't listen", what do you say?
Me, I'd go with something like "You're right, I was too wrapped up in my own issues."
A little validation of their feelings will go a long way towards changing their attitude.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
