I'm going to get her to sit down with me and talk on Monday night. She's going to be coming over to use the computer for an online class, and I'm going to get her to spend a few minutes alone with me before she leaves.
I know that this is the exact opposite of what I should do, but again, my timeline is exponentially accelerated, and I believe I may have a very tiny window of opportunity, before it's too late.
Based upon her emotional breakdown over the phone the other day, I believe that she's at least partially open to at least talk now. She's feeling pain right now, but that's likely to change when the other renter that's giving her so much turmoil right now moves out.
I feel as though I have to do this for MYSELF now. I know that, if it comes to divorce, as it appears most probable, I'll be the one taking care of the legal issues, because she just doesn't do that sort of thing. She runs away from most grown-up, real-world issues that are difficult to contend with.
I have no intention of filing immediately, regardless of what the outcome of this upcoming discussion with her is. If she remains convinced that divorce is the only answer, I'll simply carry on with my life as it is, and wait. Time, as before, is my friend, so I need to stop pushing so hard on immediate resolution on this.
If she isn't ready to come back yet, so be it. I'll go back to dark and get on with my life. If she does file on her own, something that I would be willing to bet she won't, I'll accept that and move on. At least I'll know that I've done everything in my power to prevent it, so I can walk away with a clear conscience and full closure, and move on.
She's convinced herself that she'll never be able to have feelings of love for me again, and she wants happiness for both of us, which is what led her to this decision in the first place. I hope to plant seeds of doubt in her mind about that false belief of hers. I intend to use her addiction recovery as an example that, armed with the proper motivation and information, people CAN make dramatic, positive changes in their lives that they would never have imagined possible before they began their journey.
Mostly, I just want her to finally LISTEN to me, as she did the other day when she broke down. I want her to remember the pain that she went through the last time she left, and to remember how difficult it was for her during that period. She thought back then that she was doing the right thing, too. She thought that she was following her own happiness by leaving last time, too. As soon as reality crept in to burst that bubble, she realized how wrong she was.
Of course, since her recovery, she's simply blamed all of her past mistakes on her drinking. I'm sure that, right now, with a clear head, she's more convinced than ever that she's right, and that reality will never creep back in this time. She'll be eternally blissful with her new life. I know differently.
I've been speaking with a couple of female friends on this matter recently. One was a WAW herself, and the other ws walked away on. Both have had regrets for what happened, and both have had great difficulty finding peace and happiness since their marriages ended.
Both have commented on how hard it is to find decent, quality single persons of our age, and how, regardless of how "right" someone new may seem at first, reality inevitably creeps in when the rapture period of a relationship is over, and the farts begin to have smell to them.
Both have also commented that I'll have no problem finding someone new when the time comes, if it comes to that. They both think my wife is making a huge mistake in cutting me loose again, and have both said that I'm a "hot guy," and someone that single women are searching for. They also reminded me that there are more single women out there than single men, but one of them cautioned me about some, who, just like some previously screwed over men, only seem to be "in the market" to find nice guys to rip to shreds emotionally.
One of them, whom I spoke with last night, said to make sure that, if this DOES come to divorce, I don't get involved with anyone until it's completely over and I'm emotionally free and ready for a new relationship. She said "The last thing you want to do is get involved with someone and then have your wife come back to you, because then you'll be hurting that person."
I told her that this was precisely what happened the last time she left. I didn't do anything until after she'd told me that she was with somebody else, but shortly after that, I met someone else and began what was a truly special 6 week relationship. I really hadn't intended for that to happen, but it did.
During this period, I was completely dark with my WAW. After 6 weeks, she called me, crying and begging to have another chance.
When I told this woman I was talking with last night about this, she said "Let me tell you something about women that'll help you understand, and I'll use a car analogy. Let's say that we have the same car for 20 years. We loved that car, and it's been reliable and great for us, but we suddenly find that it just doesn't excite us and make us as happy as we once were, so we suddenly decide that we HAVE to get a new one. We dump the old car for a new one, and at first, we're ecstatic with that new car and life couldn't be better."
"One day, however, we see our old car, and somebody else is driving it. As much as we'd grown weary of that old car, something inside us just snaps and we can't STAND the thought of somebody else driving our old car, so we immediately want to have it back again, and will do almost anything to get rid of the new one and get the old one back."
She said "this is what your wife went through, and why it only took her a few weeks after finding out that you were happy with someone else, to call you and want to come back. She'd almost certainly do the same thing if you were to become involved with someone else now, but you don't want to do that, because it's not fair to that other person."
Made a lot of sense to me, and it's really helpful to have access to these two women to share thoughts with. I find it incredibly helpful to get the woman's perspective on this, from those who've actually gone through it themselves. Both have said that, regardless of how my wife may appear to me, she's tormented over this, and is struggling terribly with her decision, even though she says the opposite.
We'll see where this goes. I give it no more than a miniscule chance of causing a breakthrough, but it's something that I feel that I must do, nonetheless. I can't walk away from this with full closure without knowing that I've covered everything in a way that I feel is my best effort.
