Slept with XH, help!!

[cat04]

Aug,

Yes you will hear a ton about focusing on yourself and not working on R.

Here is why…

If this is MLC, this is a long road, not something that you can try some sort of new communication technique, some new clothes, some “date nights” with S, to repair the issues. That might work in a normal situation, but this is MLC and it is NOT normal.

Throughout this process, the LBS will be torn apart, ripped to shreds, your self esteem will hit rock bottom. You will see and hear things that you NEVER in your wildest dreams could have imagined. So you have to get yourself out of that place first and foremost.

Then you have to find a way to maintain your sanity, because otherwise, you will quit, you will give up out of sheer frustration. That isn’t they way to decide that you can’t do it anymore.

So yes, the goal, the motivation, can be, and usually is at least at the beginning, to save the marriage. But it cannot be the only motivation. It cannot be the only goal. And the normal ways one might go about saving a marriage, those things just do not apply here.

This is such a long road. Longer than most people want to believe. Most are not as lucky as J3B or Yellowrose. Most are here much longer that just a few years. And you have to be able to not only endure that, you have to be able to live through it. Eventually, you should actually be able to appreciate it for the gift that it is.

It is ok to come here and vent. But one thing you will notice, is that many of us, who have been here a while, who have done the work, BND before her H came home, Trapt, SoCo, Brooklyn, Mach1, me, we don’t spend a lot of time anymore focusing on what they are doing. We notice, we may report it, may wonder a tiny bit, but then we go on with our lives. Until the next mentionable thing occurs. But we do not get caught up in it. Or we really try not too.

I think BDN and J3B are right. Your moods, the way you post, really does seem to depend on your interactions or lack of interactions with your X. Please don’t take offense to it, but being aware of it is the first step to stopping it.

I did want to say too, that I was not suggesting that you date. Only you can decide if you are ready for that. IMO, you probably aren’t.