This is about you AYK....not bashing. I wanted to give you an opinion on the list...or maybe an outside view is a better way of describing it;
1.She cared for me more than I cared for myself-I think you WERE very co-dependent on your wife. You have alluded to doing everything for her while nothing for yourself. That could give the impression that all you cared about was her and not yourself. Does that make sense? Does it sound like there is truth in her statement? Have you more than once made the statement to her "You are my world"?
2.Moved from "Mom's house to her house."-A pretty common statement from female WAS. They feel like they are doing everything with no help...the question for you...Were you helping enough? Remember that marriage is supposed to be 50-50.
3.I didn't help with shopping,transporting kids,bills.-See above
4.She feels we're complete opposites,I like to be home,she likes to go out.-It seems like she may be right on this one. It appears to me that you have GAL'ed a little, but not as much as I would have. Getting out may be a very good 180 for you.
5.I'm compulsive-She has problem nailed on the head here. Now you now that you are and the why.....the question is...are you going to control it or let it control you?
6.She could never communicate with me.-She probably couldn't...directly your fault...NO. There are books on ADD and Romance that focus very highly on communication. I would recommend getting a book on ADD and communication (relationship based.....straight communication is good, but relationship based is better)...for your day to day life, communicating with your kids, and communicating in relationships. Learning how you communicate poorly and fixing it will help you in many areas of your life.
7.She felt she was my only sole supporter,that i counted on her to make myself happy.-It would appear that way...see number one.
8.I worked too much and we never did things together.-The marriage slide on the priority scale below other things. You may have an opportunity to fix this in the future, but not now. It is actually a life lesson....learn what it important and what isn't...in other words priorities. This also applies to both of you...not just you. You BOTH let the marriage slide down the priority scale.
9.She married her father.-Common statement...not much here.
10.She has no good memories of our marriage. I'm not taking that one literally.-It is easier to remember the bad than the good. It makes her decisions easier in her mind. There were good times and bad times....just the bad times support her current choice.
11.Had to see if she could accept a man that would not change.-Co-dependent relationship sign from her side. She wanted to fix you....which is impossible. You have to fix yourself. This is also a common thread in ADD marriages. A spouse thinks that they can change the ADD habits....but the only person who can do that is the ADD spouse.
11.Day she emailed me she filed, asked when I was going to take blame and that I need to make- She is looking for retribution..your support of her decision. Don't apologize because that is only words.....so put retribution in action by addressing your weaknesses and in the case of the ADD stuff...making it your gift.
9,10-Disregard these statements...straight out of the fog script.
2,3,8-She is basically saying you weren't there in the marriage as a partner and friend. You have to think about that long and hard. Some people think 20% is enough and others think 80% isn't enough. Only you can answer that question truthfully...take your time and think about it. Really think about it. Another big obstacle for in your marriage or future relationships is the affect of ADD on your relationships. People with ADD tend to shower a spouse with gifts, love, admiration, and fun during the early period of a relationship....much more than is common. It is often when this behavior starts to slow down and the other negative ADD traits surface that non add spouses get disenchanted. Then the ADD spouse over compensates and tries to please the non ADD spouse more and more...it is a never ending process that just keeps repeating until the non ADD spouse gets sick of it or the cycle is broken.
1,7,4(maybe),11(maybe)-Co-dependent relationship...period. Instead of finding happiness yourselves...you each were looking at the other person for happiness. Humans for some reason think this is how it should work, but it doesn't. An interdependent marriage were we find happiness in ourselves and share that with the spouse are much more solid. In interdependent relationships love is unconditional and we love the person for who they are and not for what they can do fore us. In such relationships you won't hear the statement "the spouse completes me", but instead will hear "the spouse compliments me".......understanding that difference will change you view on relationships in the future!
5,6,11-ADD-You and I have covered this one before my friend. Ever day is going to be a challenge to control your ADD....but it is worth it. Once you learn how to control it and it becomes a gift....watch out. Only great things will happen.
So in conclusion;
She noted co-dependency, ADD, and priorities. Reviewing these areas for the future may be a very good exercise for you especially the co-dependency and priorities. You know what you have to do with the ADD so no need for review there.
Have a great day bud....a shiny thing just rolled by and I have to chase it...bloody ADD...lol
