UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

Oh,(((((Nell))))), honey....

Something here I read today bothers me ......

What did you really expect would be H's comments about the wedding band and the dress? You backed him into a corner. His defense was so obvious and strong. Right now he doesn't care about those things, it's all trivia. To the MLC man they are symbols without any meaning at all. He isn't giving them one second of thought. They mean nothing to him.

His biggest problem isn't about a ring or a dress. His biggest problem is the same as yours....what do I want, how do I fix this, do I walk away, can I walk away, help me please.....My guess is he thinks about this a great deal. In fact I know it, my H has admitted it. There are some days he can't think of anything else. Yours is the same....

By you bringing up those in the manner you did, those are fighting words. You were bucking for a fight, as I see it. H gave you words to hurt you because your words hurt him.

You have to figure this out right away. You are into this now 5 months....your H should only be seeing a "new" Nell. You have to get really serious here. Your H is testing the waters...everytime you backslide in his presence you do confirm his choice. Think about it in terms of time as well. You and H are on different time periods. To you 5 months has been a lifetime. To your H 5 months is a bleep in time, he is still seeing the Nell he left, it is like yesterday to him. I know this as true, words from my H again....

I want you to listen to us seriously, I want you to take our advice and really internalize it so that when you are in H's presence you have the tools to get through the visit. Another thing, this has to be permanent. You will not fool your H, he knows you all too well. YOU HAVE TO BE GENUINE AND CHANGED PERMANENTLY.

Nell, think of it as do or die. Think of it as your 1 and only chance to fix this. Tweek your DB techniques. Stop the R talks, unless he instigates them. Stop the pursueing. Stop the rage. Stop picking fights. Stop dredging up past happy times, your H can't hear you right now about that. He can only see the bad.

Your H is searching for his own answers. You can turn this around. You have to change your actions.

I probably sound like a broken record. You need reinforcement.

Everyone here is giving the same advice, words are different. We have been at this something like 16-20 years combined. Look at the experience at your fingertips. Heck, that's as long as you were with H.

I understand that we can only control our own behaviors. Our spouses are of the alien world. Our spouses thoughts and emotions can be changed. If you think about this, seriously, you have so much to still offer H. You have more than anyone. If, your H can be led astray by a trollop with baggage, Nell you CAN get him back with time and patience and consistent positives. Stop the backsliding. Stop losing ground. Stop showing him you haven't learned anything or changed.

I don't hand out 2 x 4's very well. I would love to steer you straight. We all would. Please give this weekend a huge amount of thought. Repair what's broken. You DO know what needs to be fixed.

Sanderika