Hi Brownidmom, I read through some of your posts after you had responded to my newcomer post. Thanks for your input. I have a lot of trust issues with my W and our MC said something that rang true and may apply to your situation....untrustworthy behavior cracks the foundation of a marriage, but mistrust can be equally damaging (as you are living in your R). I also experienced physical and emotional abandonment as a child and those experiences has made my responses to my W's untrustworthy behavior (e.g., regular text, calls, and emails to ex boyfriends with whom she maintained friendships) highly exaggerated. In your H's case, this appears to be a major blind spot for him (it was for me) as it is not reasonable for him to continue to punish you for things that happened so long ago and before you had a committed relationship. It sounds like you have been open and transparent with him, given him reassurances, etc. and that he is still jealous without cause. His responses are destroying your R and until he sees that and does the work necessary to trust you again, it will be hard for you both to repair the R. Somehow he is making you responsible for his mistrust, and that is not fair. It may help for you to try to hold some compassion for him though, as his mistrust is in part the result of childhood trauma that is not his fault. I know that when my wife responds to my suspicions with anger, it only convinces me more that she is lying to me. That said, I have also learned through the past couple of years of my R struggles that you cannot fix the other person or make them see things as you do or demand them to respond the way you want. I feel your frustration and sadness over this....in your unique case, traditional detachment techniques may not help you meet your goals as it seems to only fuel his mistrust. I think detachment for you must take the form of protecting yourself and your children from his destructive jealousy. But he needs to work on his issues, and take responsibility for what he is doing to create this situation. I am confused by his unwillingness to go to MC. It is almost like he is purposefully trying to perpetuate this painful situation. He has to understand that you cannot make him trust you....all you can do is answer his questions and be open, loving, and understanding (despite the fact that you are totally justified in being angry). The rest of the work is his to do. Hang in there....coming from another jealous spouse, try to be kind and understanding, that will help maintain an environment in which he can feel safe....something he probably never really felt in his life at some level.
