Is it time to start piecing?

[Hope4us]

Don't confuse the desire for $$ with a woman's need to feel safe.

To some women, $$ = safety. Heck, men too.

My W is the same way. She grew up in a VERY comfortable family, her step dad was a higher up at our company. But step dad made it very clear that HIS kids would be taken care of and W and her older brother would only get what was necessary. I think this is part of her need for $$. And no, it's not the foundation, but if it's a true need of your W's, you can't discount it.

I make decent money, but OM made more. And I would bet my retirement that OM told her at some point that if they got together she could quit working and he would take care of her. My W has many times talked with me about quitting work and I've told her every time that she could, but she needed to recognize that our lifestyle would have to change. No more 3 trips to Disney a year, multiple other vacations, downsize on the house, no new cars every few years, you get the picture, but I'm pretty sure OM played on that to get what he wanted. When I've pointed out those lifestyle changes that would need to be made, she always drops it. Heck, I think one of the reasons that led to W's affair is that I was traveling for work A LOT in the year and a half before it started, trying to climb the corporate ladder so I could give her more $$ which led to us losing our connection. So it's a double edged sword.

Sounds like you're pretty comfortable your W isn't involved in an A (I'm sure some people can hide it completely, but in most sitch's there would be signs), but don't discount what that GF having an A could be doing to your W. I'm sure she's making it sound all wine and roses. Telling your W how wonderful it is, etc. That could be influencing your W to make her exit. Like Puppy pointed out to me when I was asking about the enabler girl friend (EGF) in my sitch, most people in an A have that enabler friend that tells them how they need to make themselves happy and damn who gets hurt in the process. My W's EGF is 27 or 28 and just got married for the 3rd time. And EGF was supporting W in her A all the way.

Now that we're well into recovery of our marriage, the EGF isn't all she's stacked up to be. W is considering not even inviting her to a Christmas party we're planning at our house.

EGF's are a tricky subject. Your W will have to figure that out on her own as anything you say about her will be seen as attacking her and will put your W on the defensive.

Not saying your W's friend is the only problem, but I assure you she's not helping your situation.

If you feel that getting tough is the way to go, you're probably right. But you can get tough without being a dik. You can make her start to feel the consequences of her decisions without being mean about it.

Maybe you have a conversation with her that given that nothing's changed in her opinion, that you guys need to start preparing for D by separating finances, etc in preparation. Let her feel the sting of it.

Thoughts?