Hope and heartache

[billclay18]

We've been splitting weekends and they stay at my house every Wednesday night. This week, for the second time since I moved into my apartment, she asked if I could take them Thursday as well so she could catch up at work. I don't have any special plans on Thursday so I said yes.

Because my job is flexible I'm the one who goes home every day to see the kids get off the bus. When the after-school sitter gets there I head back to work.

I added it up in my head. The girls will stay at my apartment over night at least 135 days a year -- including summer vacations -- and with the after-school stuff, I'll see them at least 280.

That's pretty good.

We agreed early on that the girls would stay together and my W would be the primary home. Her self worth is really tied into the girls. She feels her job detracts from her ability to be a good mother. I could fight -- and people have told me I should -- for custody, but I feel that would be counterproductive. Fights like that cause long-term divisions and kids usually get caught in the middle.

Not necessarily. First, kids only get caught in the middle if you choose to put them there. Secondly, fighting for your children and to protect yourself financially will cause a rift initially, but she may actually end up respecting you when all is said and done.

I went thru a 2-1/2 yr, bitter D. It was horrible and expensive, but in the end I have my D11 half the time, a modest CS payment and my self respect. I also have a great relationship with my exW, but that didn't happen overnight.

I'll be able to see them a lot and then when they are older, they can make their own decisions.

True, but when they older they won't want much to do with either of you...just part of growing up...their priorities changing (friends, boys, etc.). Spending time with mom or dad won't be "cool". I'm just experiencing that now, but I sure am glad I was a big part of my D11's life when spending time with me was cool. Those are the times I cherish and they don't last long.

Both of the friends I talked to last night used mediators and made their own settlements. They said it smoothed the process, saved thousands of dollars and there were no long-term bitter feelings afterward.

Best thing you can do. MY exW and I would never have reached the agreement we did if not for the mediator.