UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

OUCH ....... but thanks JCJ. I know that I have let the weekend run away with me and I know that everything that you are saying is right ... glad that you didn't sugar coat it.

I guess that my driver has been his complete silence and then when he does pop up, I feel that I have to use it to my full advantage - which actually turns out to be my disadvantage. I have tried all the DBing that I can muster, it gets me no-where. Yesterday, I guess that I just felt desperate and seeing ow's hairband in the car really set me off. I've spoken to C about the rage and I do now internalise it but the messages come out ... calmy and cool but with the sting in the tail which I am feeling. H has not seen me raging in a long time.

I did test the waters, you are right. I didn't like what I heard. It's panic that makes me do it. I just want this to all go away and I want my H back. I feel like a spoiled brat saying that as I know everyone else here wants the same thing. I guess that H has never denied me anything in the whole time we have been together and now that he has totally got hold of the reigns, I really don't like the control.

Thank you for reminding me of SDF's words. I am going to read and re-read them. I am also going to go totally nc with H for a few days so that things can settle down. I don't want to go dark on him - that definitely does not work and just serves to anger him.

JCJ - I know that you are right and I treasure the fact that you continue to keep coming back, despite my being such a bad student!

OK - tomorrow is a new week and Nell has a lot of homework ahead of her, right?!!

(((JCJ)))