Can I save my marriage?

[robx]

you return the favor,
counter-intuitive,
you don't reach out to him,
I know it sucks but maybe this is a good thing,
a break for you.

[TrentC]

Heh, robx said it much better than I could.

[Lll54]

Okay, so i totally get robx's advice. But he has my sick children so I had to contact to check up on them. I text him tonight asking who my oldest was doing, he was quite sick yesterday. He text me back saying they were both doing quite well. I said "good to hear, thanks" And I was going to leave it at that. He then text me back with some general conversation about their day so far. We had a few texts back in forth. I then asked him if he could keep the boys till supper tomorrow night so i can go to the xmas craft fair with his sister. He said that's fine all he has going on is hockey tomorrow night which isn't until late. I told him no problem I will cook the boys supper so he doesn't have to worry about feeding them before he drops them off. He then asked if I can cook him supper too. So I responded "sure". That's it. Nothing else for the night. Now I don't know what to think of that. I know I don't want to over analyze it. But my next move??? I'm not gonna reach out, I'm going to take Robx's advice. Is that the basics of my actions tomorrow?

[robx]

yup, leave it as is, remember no expectations, low expectations, no pressure.

A guy on this forum that I listened to when I first got on about a year ago had a great analogy, consider your husband a squirrel, yes very funny I know.

You're trying to get the squirrel to come to you, but it's scared, ready for you to do something scary and it will run away easily. So you put out some food, you don't make any sudden movements, if he comes by, great, you give him some food, make him comfortable enough to stay as long as he wants and then when he wants to leave, he leaves. You keep doing this, the squirrel gets used to coming by, gets used to not being scared, no pressure, he can let his guard down, he gets comfortable around you, he spends more time around you, you are no longer threatening him, etc. When you start making sudden moves, you'll scare him away.

So what do you do?

Whatever you're doing now that allows him to be around you with no pressure.

Obviously you're concerned about your kids and you should be, no worries, I would be the same but allow him to be a parent, allow him to care of the kids as much as you do, allow him to ask questions or to share what they've done, thank him as you've been doing - no pressure.

Cooking him a meal, consider it a gift that you're giving him, establish that between you two, human beings are patterns of behavior, cooking him a meal is a nice thing to do, even if he doesn't thank you outright he makes a connection between you, the meal and him, you're doing something nice for him and he will make that connection in his head, even if he doesn't come out & say it.

The fact that he asked you if you could cook supper for him too shows that he is making that connection between you and something nice like cooking him a meal regardless if he says it or not.

You're doing great, if no one else tells you this, I'll give you the credit because we can all use a little credit & appreciation.
Everybody deserves to have their faith validated, a reason to keep going on and you're doing a great job - none of this is easy, especially when we're feeling lonely & unloved and really want that same mutual love & admiration to be reciprocal. This work takes discipline, alot of discipline, it requires doing stuff that we don't want to sometimes but we know we have to do it if we want any chance at the results & the rewards we're hoping for.

So for you:
- no over analyzing
- don't analyze
- continue getting a life
- don't live every moment for him
- if you do get the opportunity to do something nice for him (ie. dinner), do it, remember if he asks you then he is establishing a connection in his brain between and something nice for him, you want him to have that idea & connection in his brain: you & nice things are synonymous
- continue being a great parent
- allow him to be a great parent, allow him to make mistakes without beating him up over those mistakes
- allow him to invest time in you & the kids at his own pace, when we invest time & energy into things, it means we care for those things on some subconscious level
- view him spending time with you as a good thing
- low expectations
- no pressure
- keep life simple
- do something nice for yourself, get in the habit of being responsible for your own happiness, your husband isn't responsible for your happiness, you are. He can only enhance or add happiness to your life but he can't be the sole cause of it, that's alot of pressure on anyone
- when is the last time you had a manicure or pedicure or both, if you have time, you should do that
- pump up your self-esteem, look at the word "self" esteem, it's you, you're responsible for feeling good about yourself, don't look for external validation, look for internal validation
- when is the last time you went to a gym, do you go, if you don't, why don't you, physical activity is really good for your health & mental well being

From what I've read lately, you're doing a great job, keep up the good work - I believe in you.

[Lostforwords]

Excellent list Rob..

Britt- You are doing a good job....you will second guess a lot, but you will do that less over time. Time and patience are truly your friends....use them wisely and you will be rewarded down the road.

I do highly recommend two things very highly for your journey...number one is working out regularly and every time you are flustered or angry. Working out will help you out of depression and also will be very helpful in burning off frustration. Working out hard creates special endorphines that will make you feel happy and once you start doing it regularly...your body puts them out more often..so the more you work out the better you WILL feel.

Go on a shopping trip...nothing major...just a new hot outfit. Not work clothes....the kind that make you look in the mirror and say "I am hot!". It does wonders for self-esteem. Then after working out for a month...you get to do it again because you need a new hot outfit.

Combine these two very easy activities and YOUR world will change for the better.

Have a great day!

[Lll54]

Thanks so much everybody! I really appreciate your kind words and advice. I love coming on here only to be uplifted my you! You make me feel so much better about my situation even if I'm not. So thank you! My sis in law called this morning to arrange a time when we could go to the craft fair and my H was there so he got on the phone and overheard when we were going and told me he was going to take the boys to the hockey game which is in the next building to the fair. He then went on to ask me to come over after I'm done at the fair and watch the hockey game with him and the boys! Yay! His first attempt at asking me to actually do a family activity together! I'm thrilled!

Lostforwords, I do work out on a regular basis. I'm still trying to lose my baby weight from our second child. But with all the stress plus my regular exercise, I've been able to lose 15 pound since he dropped the bomb. He comments on it all the time. He just commented on how good I look the other day. He asked how much I lost and i told him and he was very surprised. I only have 10 more pounds to go to get to my "pre-baby" weight! Yay! I agree working out is the best, I will continue to do it!

Robx, your analogy with the squirrel is crazy true! It is the best thing I've heard in a long time. It is now my new motto. I am going to see my H as a squirrel. Let's just hope I don't get to used to it and next time we're intimate I'm picturing some fuzzy squirrel in bed with me...hehe...just kidding. But really I feel like it fits so perfectly with my situation. Thank you for the validation that I am doing the right things. I'm going to continue what I'm doing, cause its obviously working. I think there is just a small part of me that felt like once we had the talk about the changes, and the "future" talk about our home, and vehicles I just felt like it was his way of telling me he wants to come back home. So to then not talk to him yesterday was like what? Did that conversation really just happen? Or not? So that's where I'm at now, trying to realize that its not going to happen overnight. That he's not going to tell me all this good stuff and an hour later walk through the door with his suitcase. So I'm trying to accept right now that it still may take a while.

[Lll54]

So had a great day at the game. We had a lot of fun. He thanked me for coming with him and agreed that it was fun. That was it...what do I do now????????

[TrentC]

Take the win for what it is.

Keep GALing and doing 180s.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

[robx]

So had a great day at the game. We had a lot of fun. He thanked me for coming with him and agreed that it was fun. That was it...what do I do now????????

nothing just celebrate what a great day it was, feel good for your accomplishment

[Lll54]

So yes I had a great day. It felt good. He brought them back in the evening and I was making supper so he stayed for supper and it was just fine. This definitely would not have happened 3 weeks ago, so I'm grateful. He then had to leave to go play hockey. And that's it. I guess I'm just puzzled. After the whole crazy day we had friday, talks about the house, the future, the intimacy we shared for hours, I guess to just go back to the way it was feels wierd. He hugged me before he left last night but that's it. No attempt to kiss me whatsoever. And friday we kissed like 16 yr old kids! I just don't know what to think about this? Is it normal for him to be so affectionate friday and then not at all? I just want to know what's going through his mind? After such a breakthrough, how long is it going to take for him to finally come to me with the R talk? Yes i know, impatience is playing a part here. But I'm struggling.