Puppy et al- Is it possible to do too good of a job GAL-ing?
I was on a trip for work Monday & Tuesday - got home late Tuesday night. Wednesday night I had my IC appt - home by 7:30 pm & Thursday I went out to dinner with my best friend and my niece for my friend's birthday - got home at 9 pm. I'm leaving tomorrow for another work trip Monday & Tuesday but I'm staying all week and coming home on Saturday because my brother and his partner live there with my 3 yr. old niece. So I'm staying with them and having a good visit. I'm really looking forwarding to playing with my niece.
So last night my H and I went out to dinner and he's been distant doing his moping thing that he does so well. So finally he tells me what's on his mind. Get this - He says I really didn't discuss the trip with him. Did I even consider that he might want to go with me? Sure we've been to the lake and went away for our anniversary but we really haven't had a vacation together. Now mind you - he and my brother don't get along so the thought didn't even cross my mind. So I simply said I'm sorry it didn't cross my mind because etc....
Then he tells me all the positive changes I'm making are for me. Yes they are. How are he and the boys benefiting? HUH?! Making positive changes is all well and good but it seems to him that I just come and go as I please - it's all about me and I need to remember I have people at home. Oh yes - and I really didn't discuss meal planning with him so he didn't know what to do about dinners last week. I didn't even know what to say to this.
A little venting now...OK - so from April through July - he went to the lake every weekend to "think", he talked to the friend for hours on end, got in the middle of the friend's divorce and pretty much just hid in the basement and did absolutely nothing around here! Give me a break!
Not feeling great right now. Out of town visiting my brother and enjoying my 3-yr old niece. Saw a phone call today - yes I was checking the cell phone records (only a minute) to the "friend." I called my H and he pretty much called me on the fact that I was trying to catch him in a lie. He said he called to find out about picking up the treadmill this weekend at the lake - he wanted to see if anyone would be at their condo. He got voice mail and didn't leave a message.
He also in looking through my FB page said he discovered I have a separate email account which I swear I told him about. So now I'm out of town and he's upset with me. I apologized and told him I should have been forthcoming and just said I was looking at the phone records and noticed you called X. I told him I don't check the records every day. Phone calls to him this week have not been great. So it left me feeling uneasy.
My H said I thought we were moving forward and past all this. Now he feels like I'm checking up on him all the time. And that I'm actually the one hiding things now. As far as him being upset about my being here - see previous post. He said he just has to get over it. It's hard to work on things when I'm not there.
Not feeling great right now. Out of town visiting my brother and enjoying my 3-yr old niece. Saw a phone call today - yes I was checking the cell phone records (only a minute) to the "friend." I called my H and he pretty much called me on the fact that I was trying to catch him in a lie. He said he called to find out about picking up the treadmill this weekend at the lake - he wanted to see if anyone would be at their condo. He got voice mail and didn't leave a message.
He also in looking through my FB page said he discovered I have a separate email account which I swear I told him about. So now I'm out of town and he's upset with me. I apologized and told him I should have been forthcoming and just said I was looking at the phone records and noticed you called X. I told him I don't check the records every day. I did it because I've been feeling uneasy while I'm gone this week due to our conversation before I left (see previous posts). Of course now that I'm off the phone and have had time to think - I guess he was checking up on me too on FB checking out my profile etc.
My H said he thought we were moving forward and past all this. Now he feels like I'm checking up on him all the time. And that I'm actually the one hiding things now.
He's still upset about my being here and not inviting him. He said he just has to get over it. It's hard to work on things when I'm not there.
UGH!! Now what do I do? I've made myself sick to my stomach! Do I call tonight and try to talk through things some more and if I do how should I approach it?
I think you're finding that it's very difficult to live halfway between total trust and total transparency, as it just tends to break down into accusations, jealousy and such.
Did the two of you ever agree to mutual transparency? WOULD he agree to it? (if you're able to see all of his accounts, he should be able to see all of yours, and you should offer this). Does he even seem empathetic as to why YOU need this, in order to heal and trust again?
I've always felt in your sitch that his relationship with the friend was MOSTLY one-sided, unrequited love: I think she thinks a LOT more highly of your H than he thinks of her. But that still doesn't make it right, or appropriate, and it still doesn't mean that YOU don't need reassurance and transparency at this stage. From what you've posted over the past couple of months, I just don't think he GETS that -- at all.
Which means it's all going to come down to what YOU want to do; what YOU are willing to accept. Because I have a feeling that "what you see is what you get" with your husband -- I don't think he's going to give you more than this, and I don't think it's healthy for you to keep driving yourself crazy with suspicion, either.
Thanks Puppy as always you get it! I think that your suggestion that I offer him total transparency and access to my accounts is a good idea.
It's weird that now he's checking up on me. I guess the GALing got to him. You're right - he says he understands how I felt about everything but I don't think he really does. Or else he seems to only understand when he knows he's put both of us in an uncomfortable position (the last few major events with the friend).
You're also right that I've got to quit driving myself crazy. I either have to trust and move on or I'll drive myself nuts. But I also think I need to do a better job of expressing what I need from him to move on. He may not be able to give it to me but at least I'll have expressed it and that will allow me to let go and move on. More work to do in my IC.
I also think it would be easier if he'd go to MC with me. So you're also right that I have to decide what I can live with.
You're also right that I've got to quit driving myself crazy. I either have to trust and move on or I'll drive myself nuts. But I also think I need to do a better job of expressing what I need from him to move on. He may not be able to give it to me but at least I'll have expressed it and that will allow me to let go and move on.
Hey Puppy et al - hope everyone is having a good week. Well, after talking to my counselor last week. I took a stab at expressing a need. I asked my H if he would tell me before he called the friend (which rarely happens and now really only has to do with him trying to get our treadmill back that we let her borrow) instead of filling me in after the phone call. It just feels better to me.
Well he interpreted that as having to ask for my permission to call. Which, of course, is not what I was saying at all. Not sure if he got it through his thick head or not.
Just to make things interesting. His bookkeeper's ex-boyfriend somehow found out where we live and paid us a visit last Friday night. He's concerned about the bookkeeper's new boyfriend. He said he did some checking around and found out that the new boyfriend has 12 felony convictions (not true - it's his son who has the same name). My H has taken care of the situation - he basically told him he needs to let go and walk away and leave my H out of it. My H has asked that he not call, show up at our house or at our business. I'm so ready to be done with drama - I'm definitely not the kind of person who enjoys drama in her life!!!
I guess all the stress from the last 7 months is catching up with me. In addition to my gums wearing away. I thought I had TMJ this past weekend. Me - who's never had a cavity in her life now has a fractured tooth! Probably from grinding my teeth at night. Getting the tooth removed Monday morning.
My H and are trudging along(maybe not the best choice of words). Just taking it one day at a time. Maybe one day he'll see how the positive changes I'm making are benefiting him and our sons! (that one still kills me).
My H is at the lake this weekend winterizing the boat. I'm going to enjoy some quality me time!
Hijack Alert Hey, pup, I just started a quick, temporary thread to flag down Coach for two questions (Thread named, cleverly, "Coach") . Wonder if you'd give me your take on question No. 2. Thanks. End HiJack Alert
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Called the H late tonight because I was bored. Son and his girlfriend were downstairs so I'm staying up until she leaves and past now. Played way too long on FB. Long story short. The H has had 2 phone calls with the friend today over whether or not she'd be down at the lake at some point to get the treadmill.
She always has some latest drama which gets him and me feeling sorry for her. I talked to him earlier in the day and he told me about the first phone call. Tonight I was telling him how I felt bad about what has happened to her lately, blah, blah, blah. She called him tonight to tell him she'd definitely wouldn't be done there. Of course there are never short calls her rambling on forever and him just letting her ramble according to him.
So anyway he's accusing me of checking the phone records again. I told him I didn't. (After we hung up tonight I did check and the records and both phone calls were over 40 minutes). I guess being tired gave me more backbone tonight. I told him that I just couldn't understand how he doesn't seem to be able to understand this is a problem for me. He claims once we get the treadmill back - there should be no more contact. Now granted - the contact is not every week or anything like that.
My H thinks that somehow I shouldn't have a problem because all that was months ago and things are different now. That my asking him to tell me when he's going to call means he has to ask my permission. Which I'm sorry I just don't get how him telling me equates to asking for my permission. I just find it unsettling to hear about a phone call after it happens. I don't know - am I being unreasonable at this point? When she called back tonight, why couldn't he call me and just let me know?
We're supposed to talk tomorrow when he gets home. Any advice you have - I'm all ears.
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