UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh Sanderika - you are the sweetest and I so value all your kind words (((hugs))).

I trust that what you are telling me is right. I shall REALLY try so hard next time - I must see H as the lost lamb and look after him ... even though that brings harsh words from Gucci.

I WANT to hear what H has to say and about why it is that he's so unhappy ... I do think that he is totally infatuated with ow - tells his family and one of our friends that he loves her. He believes that she is his future and I am not. That's a hard thing for me to hear. I have asked him to talk to me about the 'difficulties' but he continues to say that I won't want to hear it and I guess that I do shut it down as I am fearful for what it is that I will hear. Next time, I shall try to face that - what you have said about the tramp taking my H away is quite true. Yesterday H said that he does not allow anyone to bad mouth me (meaning bimbo, I presume) and he said that in the same light, he will not allow me to bad mouth back. He defends her by saying "there is no such person as bimbo - that's your name that you have attached to her" .... I just could never bring myself to say the real name and I shudder when I hear it, or see it on a name tag on a woman in a store. It makes me want to vomit. (Glad that we all use annonymous names here)!

I wanted to say goodbye properly last evening. H worked so hard and deserved more than the way I left things. I just had to run away from him - if he saw my inner rage (which he did), then he also saw my inner misery, which I did not want him to see. I also wanted to reach out for him but I knew that I would be rejected and that would have been twice as hard to cope with.

I've got a lot of growing still to do Sanderika. I am hopeful that if you can have turned it around with your H, then I can do it too. I hope that when I write stuff here that I am portraying the real facts - I certainly feel that I am. It's so difficult for me to know though as H often sees things differently to when I relate stories. That means that I could be telling you all this and it's not how he sees things at all.

Funnily enough, yesterday when we were buying coffees, he was hanging around the candy stall and showed me several things which seemed to amuse him. I don't know what that was all about, even though I made a saucy face at one of the products and said "I know what I would like to do with that" ... no response.

Later, when we were in the garden and I had the hose to water down the manure (ah, the romance of the story!), I flicked the water toward him, joking that I might have to spray him from head to toe - he just said "don't you dare" but was grinning! In the 'old days' we used to have such fun - he once painted my overalls as we renovated our first home and then we had a plaster fight ... I won't even tell you about the day that he literally boarded me in, under the stairs and then got an electric saw to make a hole to cut me out of my prison!! (Actually, we were boarding under the stairs to make some storage space)! All those things were such good fun.

I said to H that he should have brought a change of clothes and he said that it would have been a good idea. If he does next time, he's definitely getting the hose treatment!!!!