So, post day 1 of the "talk." Slept ok last night. Tough, very tough, being around the kids since I know the storm that's brewing.
Last night, W went to bed before S and I. S and I were watching a football game - really, it was just an excuse for me to spend some time with S away from W. After W says "sleep good" and closes her door in front of S and I, I cringed a bit, but just acted like nothing was wrong. Later, just before I sent S to bed, he asked me "Why did mom move to the guest room?" I was caught off guard and replied with "I don't know." Then moved the conversation in an other direction.
I don't know if I handled this the right way, but it was the best I could do at the time.
As far as speaking to W yesterday, I might have said/written 10 words to her all day. I don't hate her, but my disappointment in her is so strong that I don't want to have anything to do with her right now. Maybe it's the freshness of the "talk." Maybe it's the realization that nothing has changed in 6 months. Maybe it's that she shows no emotion when talking about moving on. Whatever it is, it is very difficult to shake my "unattraction" for her.
Part of the plan post "talk" was for me to pull way back from her. I am not rude to her, but I am not pleasant to her either.
Wedding band is still off and I have no plans to put it back on. I'm not doing this out of spite. It is just a constant reminder that we do not have a MR.
We have a "family" thing at the zoo. At times, I feel like such a hypocrite to the outside world when we do "family" things. If they only knew.
I started reading the chapter in DR about Dealing with a Depressed Spouse. So far, there are a lot of depression factors present - W's grandmother was bipolar and on anti-dep's for decades (we often talked about her g'mother's problems), early menopause, financial loss (I owned my own business until late 2008/early 2009 that caused us to accrue debt) from which we WILL recover, possible MLC, job loss for W and, of course, the break up of our M. And, as Coach pointed out yesterday, W's statement that "anything and everything" over the "last few years" caused W's "love" for me to die - pretty clear example of pessimistic thinking ("Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman will help you understand the effects of negative pervasive thinking).
Coach suggested yesterday that I have W get a full physical and see an IC. While I agree with those suggestions, the problem is in implementing them. I cannot make her do these things. I can ask/suggest, but that might come across as being needy, or accusatory - YOU have a problem. With a WAS, pretty clear where that would go.
On the IC part, in her mind, she has been to a IC - the 6 months prior to droppng the bomb she was referred by our church (thanks guys) to a "clergy based" IC who specialized in "anxiety, depression and personality disorders" - NOT MC. This IC gave W the green light to D. Now, I think W went to that IC with her mind made up that she was leaving the M no matter what. So, while W has been to IC, it was not for anything to save our M.
I do not doubt depression is at play. But, on the outside, my W is very outgoing, very confident, almost in an overcompensating manner. I don't recall her ever opening up to me to show me her vulnarable side or discussing her weaknesses.
So, how do I persuade/convince W to get a physical and to see an IC?
there are a lot of depression factors present - W's grandmother was bipolar and on anti-dep's for decades (we often talked about her g'mother's problems), early menopause, financial loss (I owned my own business until late 2008/early 2009 that caused us to accrue debt) from which we WILL recover, possible MLC, job loss for W and, of course, the break up of our M.
That certainly sounds like enough emotional upheaval to send most people into a tailspin. Do you think your W perceives that she is having difficulty with her menopausal symptoms (i.e. mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, etc)? Is she being treated for these symptoms? Even if your W schedules a physical and an IC, the tricky part is finding someone who actually has the expertise and integrity to do more than just a cursory history and exam. Probably the best way to find someone like this is a referral from a trusted friend or colleague who had similar issues.
It is possible that your W misunderstood what the IC was advising re: your M. My H went to a psychologist (recommended by a psychologist friend of mine) for 1 session 2 years before the bomb. He told me later that the psychologist said that I wasn't being a very good W to him. I work very closely with psychologists in our clinic and I REALLY don't think a psychologist would say that to a client at the first appointment. I think the psychologist was just using the reflection technique (repeating back to the patient what he said) and my H misunderstood. Of course I couldn't say this to him. H took it to be validation.
Do you and your W have any mutual friends whom she trusts? In successful sitches I have seen on this board mutual friends can play an important role in influencing the walk away. Why don't you contact one of the WAWs who post on this board and ask them this question? "sandi2" is one whom I've seen actively post.
If you are interested, I would recommend a CD set called "Change Your Hormones Change Your Brain" from www.AmenClinics.com. Daniel Amen is a psychiatrist who does brain imaging studies. The material in the CDs is presented in language that a lay person can undertstand. I have a doctorate in neuroscience and I found his information to be consistent with current research in the field.
Now, if a mother of two, with no job, a house she can neither afford nor sell, refuses to work on a M with her H of nearly 13 years (will NOT go to MC cuz she's "done"),.....She has to face the reality of what will be. I will NOT save her from that. She is free to make a choice. But each choice has those little burdensome consequences with it.
One other thing to consider.....Is it possible that with the reduction in home values YOU would be able to buy your home? That may be a consequence that your W hadn't considered. In my sitch, H dropped the bomb a few days before the collapse in the markets last fall. We had a prenup and he forced a home appraisal, thinking that with the reduced home value he would be able to buy the home or force a sale. He didn't know about my job offer so he didn't even consider that I would be in a position to buy the home. But the 20% drop in value of the home allowed ME to qualify for financing. I would NOT have been able to buy the home if it had been appraised at its pre-recession value. So I turned the tables on H. MIght you be able to do the same with your W? If your home is appraised at a lower value is it possible that YOU would be able to buy out your W's share? Is it possible that giving the appearance of checking into this might make your W think about the consequences of her actions in more real terms?
I am only putting these questions out there for your consideration and not advising any particular course of action. My sense from the boards and my H is that MLC type walk aways don't respond to these types of events the way a non-depressed person would. I kept thinking at each step along the path that something would wake my H up (i.e. the meeting in the courtroom with the judge, negotiating the terms of the D decree, signing the D decree, being dumped in a 3 page e-mail by the first woman he had a relationship with after the separation) but nothing has motivated him to look inside himself to my knowledge.
GIMA~ I've been MIA for a couple of weeks dealing with my own issues, but I have been checking in on you. I am so sorry that your W hasn't changed her mind about your M. I do have a question though- does this mean you are done with working at DR? Or, are you in a momentary lapse due to the knowledge that it hasn't changed her mind so far?
One thing that is puzzling to me is that your W said that she doesn't want to be in "a M", not "our M". Truth is, "your M" is the only one either of you has at the moment, so what she is saying doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but that could be depression talking. Going through a bout of that myself right now (hopefully a short one).
Just keep on keepin' on with your kids. And if you feel tempted with showing your true feelings at the moment, take the high road. You seem like an honorable man and you will feel better if you don't stoop to a level beneath your own expectations of yourself. Don't let all this work you've done on yourself be for naught.
You'll be in my thoughts.
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
I hope you are hanging in there. Thanks for your post.
I think I've been knocked to the canvas. Trying to decide if I want to get up or not. Ij
I still want my M to work out. I just don't know if that is even a possibility right now.
Tonight, W dropped the vacuum cleaner on her foot - very hard and really painful. She fell on the floor and was about to cry. I went and comforted her, got a bag of ice for her and picked her up off the floor. For just a few brief moments, she needed me and it felt good to help her. And then, the reality of our sitch set in. Dam#. Sometimes I don't want any emotions.
Still, I did the right thing...for me. Emotionally, not the best (or worst) evening I have had in a while.
You did for your wife what you would have done for any good friend. That shows compassion and I think you took the high road in helping her out. She might not say anything but I am sure she appreciated it regardless of the situation right now.
You are much further along than I am and I respect how you have handled your situation. It might not look great now but as you have told me, you can only control yourself and be the best you.
Put your head up high not only for what you have attained for yourself but all the people that you have given your time and advice to.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
One of the hardest things about DBing is that even though we are not supposed to have any expectations, it is SO HARD not to. Even though we don't expect anything in a particular moment, it is very difficult not to let our hopes of reconciliation have a timeline of some kind.
I have had M problems for almost 7 years and if you asked me if I could endure it this long, there is no way in Hel! that I would have thought that possible. But I am able to suffocate the bad feelings a good portion of the time, concern myself only with the kids most of the time, and get through the rest of the time based on my faith in myself and God.
You have made great strides over the last 6 months, don't backslide now. So many WAS think that the grass is greener because they haven't actually crossed over the fence yet. Once they do, the picture up close won't look as romantic as it did from so far away.
You love your W, you just don't like her right now. That is ok. Just remind yourself in times like these that she is the mother of your children and that you married her because you WANTED TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH HER. Try not to let that fact get under your skin as much as just allowing it to put everything back into perspective.
What I wouldn't give right now for my H to be so concerned about rebuilding our M!
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
Well, not one of the best Saturdays I've had. But, I got to spend time with the kids. So, not all bad. Fought back some tears while playing with them.
I am in a funk. Not depressed. Just disappointed and tired. I will keep going once I pick myself up again. I am much less certain of the result (not that I was certain before, but it felt (I am really getting where I don't like that word a lot lately) like there was improvement in our R.
W tried a few/several times to engage me in conversation. Sorry, but not today. I just don't care right now. Or, I just hurt too much right now. In either case, not much conversation with W today at all.
W announced as she went off to "her" room that she was getting up in the morning for church, so "if anybody was up and wanted to go," she would "be happy to take them." How she squares her decision to leave without any C with what my understanding of my religion says about God hating D is simply not understandable.
I was thinking yesterday about how W has always been the one of us to get everyone to go to church and to emphasize how important it was to go, but in 13 years of M, I have not once seen her read the Bible. In fact, I have never even seen a Bible she called her's. I honestly don't think she has one. By no means am I "holier" than her, and I am not being judgmental here. I am just making an observation about something that struck me as odd.
