UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thank you ladies for your support. I know exactly what I did wrong yesterday and even though it pains me to say it, my desperation made me backslide, backslide and then backslide even further. I broke every rule in the DB book - again.

It all started off well. H picked me up and we went to shop for the sheep manure. Had to hang around a bit waiting on a trailer so decided to drive out for coffee. Long story short, we ended up doing the journey three times in total - two loads and then took the trailer back. This allowed us lots of time in the car - however, 1) I saw ow's hair band in the cup holder 2) screen save came on H's cellphone with the tramps photo. I have never seen bimbo before and it was a bitter blow 3) Hotel brochure in door pocket - all negative. Positive were that there was still stuff of mine in the car ... ??? Couldn't figure that out at all.

With all the driving time we somehow started R talk and I said that it seemed more than obvious that he was done and never now coming home. He said that I was putting words in to his mouth and yet he didn't believe that there was a way forward for us. I believe, he doesn't. He admitted that things in his new world are not right and again he wouldn't say more about it as it's all stuff that he considers that I would not want to hear, naturally so. I said that I wanted him to be happy but not at the expense of our 17 years together. He said that he could not go on the way it was and I admitted that I still don't know why he feels that way - yes we rowed, as do all couples, but I don't know where he has this picture from that he evidently does. He made out that we were rowing longer and more frequently - and that's just not true. He ignores everything that I have said about my feelings of sadness and emigration adjustment. I told him that I felt he had rewritten our history, he says that he has not. He smiled as he said that we have lots of good memories. He used the WE word quite a lot throughout the day.

Got on with preparing the 'beds' and laying the manure. We work so well as a team and H complimented my new found stamina for hard work - and it was. About 7hrs of pulling weeds, pulling out plants, shovelling, brushing and damping down. We were both exhausted. Neither of us had stopped for lunch and so I offered that I could make something for us to eat with a cuppa and he said "a glass of water will be fine" - that's all we both had all day - one coffee, two glasses of water.

Before H left, we sat on the patio and played with the cats. H looked content curled up on the lounger and he talked about work and how he would be spending two out of every four weeks in Sydney, with the new project. He was sad about it as it interfered with every aspect of his life. I intimated that he should get a new job, whatever he could and move nearer to ow if that would make him happy. He said that it would not - there are too many complications, as he put it.

Our talk throughout the day gave away some of his feelings toward me and, whilst I can't say that I know exactly how he is feeling, I can only summarise it in that his head is done but his heart is not - not totally, not completely. He has feelings ... he wants to spend time with me. I asked him why he had offered to help yesterday and he said that he wanted to. I asked him if he missed his home and he said "home ... yes, house no". He went on to say that he felt that I had forced his hand in moving out of our home because my rage was getting worse. I asked him to imagine how he would feel if the bomb had been dropped on him rather than vice versa. He said that he understood but was not prepared to tolerate such.

I said something which touched the usual raw nerve and he got up to leave. I walked out with him and he kept a big distance between us. I asked him why he was leaving this way, again and he said that he won't put up with me abusing him. I had not. I had merely given an opinion (he's allowed to, I'm not). In other words, I got too close - verbally - and he felt uncomfortable. He said that I was still raging and I commented that was just not true - I have not raised my voice once in the past three visits and I am very calm. He agreed that I was but said "your raging inside - I can see it in your eyes" .. huh, windows to the soul, indeed. He reads me so well - but then he is the one person in the world that knows me so well. I walked indoors without a goodbye and he drove away.

I called him almost two hours later but apparently he was in the shower. I had left a voice mail and he sent me a text to say that he was too tired after our hard work, had decided not to go out after all and was headed to bed. He thanked me for thanking him.

Positives of the day were:

1) I found out that he does have feelings - they are just low in his current priorities
2) He initiated this sheep manure day and wants to do it again, working on a different part of the garden
3) We still work really well as a team!
4) I know that he's not happy ... sorry, but that is a positive for me!
5) I got three trips out in the car with him - I haven't even been in his car since June 1st.
6) He said that he has no plans right now but will start to look at what he wants after Christmas
7) He agreed with some of my 'garden plans' and, after they were executed, he said that it was a good thing to have done, even though he was a bit reluctant at first (this showed me that he does have pride in the home, even though we both wanted to sell the house pre-bomb)
8) I was able to pay my way financially for the first time since pre-bomb
9) H's funds are running low as he has had to fund his business trip and await his expenses. I was able to offer him a loan, which he gallantly declined!
10) H stayed for 7hrs yesterday - the longest time since becoming WAH.

Apologies for long post but it was a long day. I'm left feeling a bit numb and daunted but I feel that, in a strange way, I gained something - I just don't know what. Overall, I feel confused in that now I know he still has feelings but just isn't prepared to act on them as he is - in my view - scared. He feels life with ow is a better choice for him and I feel that the water is running out of my tub far too quickly.

I guess that I just sit back now and wait ... right??