Thanks for all the advices so far, helping me to be strong.I have been taking antidepressant since 3 years ago and so far it has been helping me to cope with my mood swing but even though I increase the dosage this round, the setback is too huge for me to handle. Meeting the pyscharist soon.
There are some changes in situation a few days ago, cutting the story short, I managed to have full control over him during these period. He started to notice my change and felt my attractiveness. But all these were shortlived, yesterday my son was feeling so uncomfortable during Mass session that I have to send him to the hospital. I called him and he wasn't too concern at all and didnt even mentioned rushing to hospital to see him. I was mad with his action, he has no heart for the family and why does he still say he want the family, I was totally disappointed then.
Back at home, I tried to talk to him about our issues, having already set the 1st boundary - "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing the OW", I told him that I need to set rules, first that I need him to show me evidence that he break up with the OW and he need to gain back my trust in him and showed me the sms in his phone. He refused the first rule and at first also refused on the 2nd rule, but I told him that will only be able to let me have peace of mind that the affair has ended, so he reluctantly agreed. Then he went to sleep.
I chatted with my sis in law during his sleeping time and I realised that his unfatihful act was way back to the year where his siblings "accused" (according to him) him which I didnt believe what they said back then. I even stop talking to them thinking that they are trying to break up our marriage (what a idiot naive person I was to believe him). He was given a chance to repent (he tried to drink the detergent liquid) but he still continue his acts.
I was very affected by the news and after he wakes up and get the whole family to go out for dinner. The thoughts of giving up our marriage suddenly came to my mind. This man that I married continuously making mistakes after mistakes and he has never repent at all. I looked at my kids from their back view (while they were walking in front of us) and my tears drop. I tell myself, would I want to go on like this. I wanted so much to hold on to this marriage for the kids, but am I going to be bluff for the rest of my life (he has yet taking any action to end his affair) and he wants the best of both world. He keep saying give him time to settle his relationship but I don't know when.Is he asking me to let him be while he still can be with the family? At this very point, I have made up my decision to divorce him cos I know I won't be able to have him back anymore. He has been showing me that his love for the OW is so strong that he will not be able to end it. So what is the point of having him in the house and marriage when his heart is no longer here.
When I have made up the decision to divorce, I suddenly have a moment of peace in my mind. I know the huge impact on the kids but I am sure I will be able to pull through with the help of my family members (I told the 2nd sis last night and she is going to let his other brother knows too).
I am not sure whether what I did is right or wrong but I just feel that forcing him to stay in this marriage will make all of us suffer. I know that my life without him might not be smooth but at least I know that I don't have to suffer the pain of sharing my husband with the OW (anyway he loves the OW so much than me) and I can focus my mind on my kids. I was given this word "I got nothing to lose" and I will make extra effort to cope the emotion of my kids.
I am really calm and peaceful after I made the decision. Pray to God that my kids are able to pull through this failure marriage with me for I will give them all the genuine love I have which their daddy is not able to give.
