The adventure chronicles

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
I have been real busy with work but take time to check on you as much as possible. As always you are getting great advice from PDT so...

...the question really is "What do you want and are you sure that is waht you want."

You can't keep playing games...this could last for years if you do.

I think it best if you attempt to swallow your pride and ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

If you do not want to then finish the paperwork with the lawyer...again, your legal situation is about as good as it gets with her leaving your daughter. Are the bills still being paid? How did that new vehicle work out? Will that be a problem if she comes back? Do you know what other bills she may have now? Credit cards are usually the first thing to get maxed out. Has she provided any support for your daughter?

Have you really sat down and talked to her? Is the OM still there? Do you know who he is? Any of the OM? Do not believe her when she tells you she made that up. Through all of this remeber she is a liar. Sorry but she is. Ask for proof when possible if you want to attempt to stay together.

Now is a good time for both of you to see a IC and a MC. Don't forget daughter. I would not recommend she move back home right now because you will lose some of your advantage on the legal front. Your thoughts should be "I hope this works but if not I will stick it to her in the divorce." That way you can operate from a position of power...try to operate from a "WIN-WIN" for both of you. Although not you fault something was wrong before you went to Iraq and you should have an idea what it is...if not ask while in MC.

There are a hundred questions I think you should ask yourself and put out here for advice. In the end it only matters what you want. Make a decision soon...she screwed up bad. And for the record...you are not divorced so lose the FaceBook for now. It occupies time you should have spent studying for that stripe and spending with your daughter. Get a pencil and paper and rack and stack what you need to do today, this week, month, and year. Then do it!

In all of this never forget your daughter...confirm she is well, your W is not having her exposed to OM (to include talking about her OM, personal items in the apartment, etc) You seem to have slacked off on updating her thoughts...this is her life also. Try not to let it become "normal" for her. She is too young to lose her innocence.

V/r,

[AFWAW]

SHE NO LONGER DESERVES YOUR JUSTIFICATIONS OR RESPONSES, JOHN. She is "done," remember? Her rights to wife-ness ended when she fled your marriage and screwed around with other men.

You're right as always. I had an opportunity to redeem myself the very next day. Phone call from her to my D, then she wants to talk to me. Did you take that woman off your FB? Nope. How come? Didn't want to. Hey, I gotta go, getting ready to eat and hung up. She called back about 10 times and my D answered and asked if she could go out to eat w/ her mom. Sure, no problem. So, the wife comes over and asks my daughter to go wait in the car and she says, can I look at your FB account to see if you're corresponding with this woman. I said, no but you can leave, I'm sure D is hungry. Well, why not. I said, I don't have to justify anything to you, you gave up that right when you moved out and said you were done. On top of that, you are being absolutely unreasonable. She said, listen fu$#er, I don't know who you think you are but I'm moving back in here after my lease is up in Feb 2010 and you can't stop me. I actually laughed at that point which I think really infuriated her and said good luck with that. I said, it's time for you to leave now. She did, but called back about 5 minutes later. I ignored her calls and she left a message apologizing for her behavior and asking if I would go out for coffee later w/ her. There were about 5 more calls after that. I finally answered and she asked again if we could go out for coffee and talk. I said, I don't think so. She pleaded. I said, fine but if we go, there will be no R talk at all. She said, then what will we talk about? I said, how about our daughter. Ok, so I went and it was ok.

Fast forward to next day. She calls and says she knows she's being unreasonable about her request to have me take this woman off FB but she will NEVER be unreasonable about anything else. I laughed again.

Back to life is a party mode. Went out last night to a military function. Lot's of pretty, friendly women every where. Had a great time. I've noticed that when I don't talk to her I have a lot more energy and when I do, it feels like the days are so freaking long.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She said, listen fu$#er, I don't know who you think you are but I'm moving back in here after my lease is up in Feb 2010 and you can't stop me.

. . .

I ignored her calls and she left a message apologizing for her behavior and asking if I would go out for coffee later w/ her.

OMG. Lock up the bunnies, John.

She's lost what's left of her marbles.

btw, "A+" on the interaction. Feels good to lay out boundaries, and -- let's see, how does Robx so eloquently put it? -- "not put up with her crap behavior," doesn't it???

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

OMG. Lock up the bunnies, John.

SICK. but funny.

just a question, why dont you just divorce this woman? she thinks she owns you.

[AFWAW]

...the question really is "What do you want and are you sure that is waht you want."

I want a woman that is going to be with me because she wants to be with me. I want a woman that respects me. I want a woman that's not going to lie to me. I want a woman that's not going to have outlandish expectations. One who is kind and mature enough to not use her emotions as an excuse for her behavior. The question itself is fairly complicated.

I think it best if you attempt to swallow your pride and ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

Easier said than done.

If you do not want to then finish the paperwork with the lawyer...again, your legal situation is about as good as it gets with her leaving your daughter. Are the bills still being paid? How did that new vehicle work out? Will that be a problem if she comes back? Do you know what other bills she may have now? Credit cards are usually the first thing to get maxed out. Has she provided any support for your daughter?

I looked at the paperwork today. The bills are still being paid. She is still paying for her vehicle. No, I don't think it would be a problem. I do know what bills she has. She still pays child support and has every month.

Have you really sat down and talked to her? Is the OM still there? Do you know who he is? Any of the OM? Do not believe her when she tells you she made that up. Through all of this remeber she is a liar. Sorry but she is. Ask for proof when possible if you want to attempt to stay together.

I don't think the OM is there and yes we have talked. I don't know what to believe at this point and yes I know she is a liar. The thing that bothers me is that she is trying to accuse me of lying and having the same bad behavior as her? She keeps bringing up stuff from the past when we were together. She has such high expectations and it's damn annoying to hear. So snotty and condesending at times. That is a big fat turn-off when she acts this way. I don't know the identity of the OM and she refuses to give it to me until she is back at home.

There are a hundred questions I think you should ask yourself and put out here for advice. In the end it only matters what you want. Make a decision soon...she screwed up bad. And for the record...you are not divorced so lose the FaceBook for now. It occupies time you should have spent studying for that stripe and spending with your daughter. Get a pencil and paper and rack and stack what you need to do today, this week, month, and year. Then do it!

I have asked myself a hundred questions and it's tiring. I wish it was that easy.

I know I need to make a decision soon...

In all of this never forget your daughter...confirm she is well, your W is not having her exposed to OM (to include talking about her OM, personal items in the apartment, etc) You seem to have slacked off on updating her thoughts...this is her life also. Try not to let it become "normal" for her. She is too young to lose her innocence.

I haven't forgotten and my main focus is usually on her.

[Kimmie Lee]

I admire you so much for that, and it is very attractive (to normal, healthy women) to encounter a man who cares and does the right thing by his kids.

There are so many women out there who would love to find a man like you. And when you're ready, make sure your next relationship is healthy right from the start. No rescuing weak, childish, manipulative, disloyal women.

Not that you would do that.

[AFWAW]

So, went out with the wife and daughter to a halloween spooky trail/haunted house kind of thing. I didn't think that since my daughter was there she'd try to bring up our relationship but she did. Same questions--did you take that woman off your FB account. Nope. Why not? I don't want to talk about it. Are you for real? Yep, I am. So, I took my daughter over to another booth while the wife waited in another line. She sent me a text then that said, "Why?, you should be reassuring me right now. You could have your arm around me right now."

Seems like she's not happy to be around me but that she wants to control how I act around her. I cannot stand that. She called today too. Talked to my daughter and then wanted to talk to me. I was on the phone for about 30 seconds and then said I have to go. You don't want to talk to me? Nope, gotta go.

I'm not rewarding bad behavior anymore. I don't think she's going to get it. Every time I have hope, she destroys it with her actions.

[PMA_Baby!]

She sounds very immature and selfish. Has she always been that way or did something change?

I dont get what you see in her. Was her carefree, spontaneous personality what attracted you to her originally?

Maybe this will help the rest of us understand your perspective.

PMA

[DanceQueen]

John you are still rewarding her behavior by even taking her call. She knows you will crack if she calls enough times. While you are improving and doing pretty well, its still clear that she knows she can finally reach you and harass you by just calling enough times. At this point it is not enough to keep answering her about the FB friend with "I don't want to". She is just going to keep asking. And as much as you will not want to hear this or admit to it, you know that keeping her ticked off about that is going to continue her contacting you.

My advice is that you get an attorney and then start moving toward getting a restraining order. Seems nothing short of this is going to make her back off. You are not effectively backing her off, John. You are actually feeding into it, even if you say the "right thing" when she calls, its still feeding into it and on some level you know this.

What will it take, John? What will have to happen before you do effectively stop her madness and you yourself stop joining in it?

DQ

[AFWAW]

She sounds very immature and selfish. Has she always been that way or did something change?

She's always been immature in that when she doesn't get her way she pitches a fit in some shape or form. I guess you could consider her selfish from that aspect also. She's either super sweet and giving or she's the extreme opposite, a super "B". There's no in between, no consistency. It's tiring at times. I would say a more accurate despcription would be controlling and angry.

I dont get what you see in her. Was her carefree, spontaneous personality what attracted you to her originally?

I'm not sure at this point. Let's see, she was very caring, generous, and loving. Not perfection or anything but she had her good points. I guess what it boils down to is that I didn't realize her unbelievable need to be in control of everything and I mean everything and the reaction and/or behavior she exhibited when she didn't get her way or things didn't go the way she wanted. Probably something I could work to influence change in if she hadn't gone and done what she has done. Now, I'm not sure I want to.