I don't know the whole dynamic here, but I agree with Kett here. I think it is good to trust your H to handle this. He has been doing many things right and this is a sticky situation for him. He needs to try to smooth things over with MIL. He may think that engaging her on her terms is the best way to do it (note: I didn't say he is right, I don't know). But, I am guessing he is doing it with the best intentions. Let him try it his way, it is his mother.
For myself, I'm content to let it slide this weekend and this holiday season. Give MIL time to cool down.
I this is a good idea. You've got enough to contend with given the very-fresh reconciliation/departure of OW without throwing gasoline on FOO flames at this exact moment.
Good point, Kett.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I think you have it figured out pretty well. Eventually, it is a battle that has to be fought, but this year might not be the time. In the end, I think he needs to stand up for you, and stand up to his mom. But he might not be able to do that yet. I think it would be a step forward if he was able to just tell you that he doesn't agree with what she is doing, but doesn't feel that he can fight it right now. It's not ideal, but it's a step in the right direction.
H and I were working on house reorganization projects together today, and he called his aunt to see if she wanted a particular dining table. It became immediately apparent that Aunt was out for breakfast with MIL, FIL, SIL and baby. We knew MIL and FIL were going to be in town this week, but we'd not been told they had arrived, and, obviously, none of us were invited to breakfast.
We let it lie and went back to our projects.
Later in the day, H got a call from his sister. The phone got passed around, eventually to MIL who wanted just H and kidlet to come spend the day at the fairgounds with them. (There's a Halloween festival going on.)
H asked kidlet and kidlet wanted to go.
Dia: Go and have a good time with your family. I'm not angry with your mother. I understand how she feels. I think the intensity of it is way over the top, but I get it. And she has the right to choose with whom she associates.
H: Thank you for being so generous. If kidlet didn't want to go, I wouldn't be going. Hopefully we won't have to put up with the bullsh*t for very long.
Dia: Hmm, thank you. It's good to know that's what you think it is.
H: Yes, it's bull----. I love my mother, but I also love Andra. Both of these creatures hurt people. (Andra is our pissy, alpha female, Siamese divatude cat.)
Dia: <nods> Thank you. If kidlet asks why I'm not going, you need to be the one to tell him. If I do it, I'll be accused of poisoning him against Gramma H.
H: I doubt he'll ask, but that's reasonable.
Dia: One more thing please. Don't lie. No "Mom wanted to stay home." (I am not the one misbehaving, and I'm not going to let myself be used as a cover story for her BS.)
He looked surprised, but like he hadn't thought it through that far, not like he'd been planning to lie and was caught.
H: That's a reasonable concern. I will tell him that Gramma H only wanted him and me.
H thinks that I will be invited (if not precisely welcome) for the holidays, but if not, he'll deal with it then.
His mother said she wanted the table, and I packed up some of kidlet's old blocks to be given to SIL's baby, including a note to SIL. Kidlet will have a good time at the festival, and he's been missing Gramma H, so he'll enjoy some time with her, too.
And H confirmed that yes, his giblets are intact and still in his possession.
Last edited by Dia; 10/24/0908:52 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
It's strange and unusual - and just a little uncomfortable - to have a husband who's got my back. It's weird, like suddenly waking up and having a tail - you don't see it most of the time but there's just this 'feeling' that it's there.
I'm sure I'll get used to it, and I most defiinitely like it - but it's all just a little weird atm.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Wise conversation re MIL Dia. I think you handled that delicate conversation carefully and ensured H's sensitivity to the Dia/MIL relationship. This will be helpful as the situation with MIL plays out.
Both of us have gifts from the OPs in our possession. I'm not talking about expensive watches, lingerie or major jewelry, I'm talking books and non-sexy pajamas.
OM never bought me major gifts, but most of them have found their way to thrift stores. What's remaining are two cookbooks and two pairs of mundane pajamas.
H and I were sorting through cookbooks as we rearranged the kitchen shelves, and when I put the OM cookbooks on the shelf H remarked that he'd never seen those before. This was actually unconscious on my part. I don't have a huge attachment to them, and it had even slipped my mind that that's where they'd come from until he mentioned never seeing them before.
I immediately looked at him and said...
Dia: You know, OM gave those to me for Christmas. I'll put them in the giveaway box.
H (taking my hands): They can stay. I accept you. He is a part of your past, and in accepting you, I accept him and them, too.
His response is a little mind-boggling for me. While sorting through the cookbooks, I found one I'm virtually certain OW gave him. I was nowhere nears as magnanimous in my thoughts as he was with me. I put the book in the giveaway box and he didn't retrieve it.
I think the cookbooks and the jammies need to go, regardless of his generous statement. I'm not going to comb through the house looking for possible gifts of hers to make him get rid of, but these items will remind *me* of OM every time I touch them.
What do you folks think?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
