Dance Queen, sorry, reading again it is clear you have misunderstood. I am telling my story, starting more than four years ago. The person I am having an affair with in this story is now the person who I have two children with.
The rest of the story: My lover and I fell in love. My lover got pregnant. I told my previous long term partner I was leaving. My lover had a miscarriage, which made us closer than ever. We left town and started a new life. She got pregnant again. She started having a problem with sex. It's nearly four years and two healthy children later. Our life is the best I can imagine it, except for one thing - she doesn't want to f*ck me. We are trying to sort it out. She finally accepts that she has to do something. She is afraid she can't.
kunstler...I did not misunderstand your story. I do realize that I sounded judgmental, but this is only because of the medium we are using. If I could have said the previous post to you in person, you would have known by my tone and my facial expressions that I wasn't judging you.
When I was married, I had affairs and basically ruined my marriage by doing this. Since that time, we are divorced, and I have spent many years studying the effects of affairs and cheating on marriages and on individuals. What I said in my post was not judgmental, it was based on years of research into the "what happens" to people who have affairs. I do not judge you, nor do I judge anyone else who has affairs. I am actually one of the few people who most people will ever meet who has a very big understanding of this subject. The tragedy from affairs occurs on all sides....not just the person who was betrayed, but also the person who cheated will experience tragedy in many forms. You are now experiencing part of this tragedy. A relationship that started out as an affair rarely makes it in the long term, this is simply a fact you will have to face...it is not a judgment.
In any case, I do apologize as I am sorry that it comes across as judgemental. I really do not judge you, and I do hope that you and your lover can work this all out. I am sorry for all that you are now going through.
She's not kidding. I felt the same way when I started here; everyone just misunderstood what I was trying to say, and they all thought they knew better than I did.
That was because they were seeing my relationship from outside the cloud of anger and frustration I lived in. They weren't right about everything, but in the end I was glad I paid attention to what they were saying and didn't dismiss it because I didn't like it.
hmmm.... So let me get this correctly here. You were 42 and she was 25 when this first started, the affair that is? I think the advice that any individual counselor or anyone on this board would say is that this "affair" is on it's way out. The foundation of this relationship was shaky to begin with. Why did you think you could have a long term relationship with someone this young? Surely, other people must have commented- friends, family, co-workers.
You moved to another to town to avoid problems I am guessing. But did you lose contact with your son also? Do you still contact him? To bring two kids into this relationship troubles me. What about them now?
If you want to be give answers and information on this message board you have to give "help" and info to others. I think you could give lots of insight to the women out there in newcomers who are desperately trying to figure out why there spouse left them for a 20 something woman.
"Help and be helped here"
Although-I really doubt this relationship can be turned around considering how it started.
Oh yeah, Karma's a b*tch ain't it.
What goes around comes around
You wouldn't have sex with your commonlaw wife and now how the tables have turned....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
You're the 47 y.o. right? What's up with the crude language? Not that it doesn't have it's place, but if you think that sex is just f*cking to a woman then it's no wonder you're in the place you're in. Let's be brutal about this. You got a hot piece of @$$ who would do anything you wanted that you thought your W wouldn't. Now she's not putting out and you're getting frustrated.
Well you've got two choices: 1) Either start treating her with more respect than you gave your W during your midlife crisis. 2) Start looking for another piece of @$$. After all isn't that what you're after? No emotion stuff. Just f*cking.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey - go easy guys - I think kunstler may write English as a second language and it's easy to be misunderstood when trying to communicate sensitive topics in a language that is not your first.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Stuck, keep in mind that Kunstler is quoting his lover when he drops those F-bombs . . . and also, I'm not sure that's as taboo a term where he's from.
I get the impression that Kunstler is an Aussie, which means he's probably a native English speaker . . . but there can be big differences in the way English is spoken. I have a good friend who grew up with expat British oil workers in the Middle East and got a quick education when he returned to Texas. He went into the corner dime store and asked for five pencils and two "rubbers." He was 9 years old. If you're still not convinced, go into a store in London and tell them you want a fanny pack.
Kunstler, you might have noticed that you're in a forum full of people who've been cheated on. Even people who want to help you may have a bit of an emotional response.
Hi thought I would come back to see if anyone had anything useful to say about how I could keep my new family together so that me, my partner and our two lovely children could have a happy life. I came here because it claims to be a site about keeping relationships together... hmmm...?
OK so, June 72 asks "Why did you think you could have a long term relationship with someone this young?" Because we fell in love with each other, because we share the same values about most things that are important, because plenty of people in this world have long term relationships with 18 years and much more as an age gap, because despite the age difference our cultural references coincide so spookily that we often say exactly the same thing at the same time. Because we still love each other after five years despite all the fussin' and fightin'.
June, I still see my son frequently, I did not move to avoid trouble. We love our children. Stop judging me and then maybe we can 'help and be helped.'
Mr Bond read what I wrote again. I'm in love with this woman and I frequently get up in the night to help our baby daughter to get back to sleep. The crude language? As Mr Bear points out, that is the way she spoke of it. Sorry it offends you.
Virginia, S.O. Bear, I was born and raised in England, this is how we talk here.
But SillyOldBear thanks for putting me straight about who I'm dealing with. Yes, perhaps I was a little insensitive to be so honest.
If anyone has anything positive or useful to say to me about where I am now then I will very happily talk about what happened in my previous relationship.
