The truth is...I am scared. I am scared because what if I push him away for good. I am scared to be a single parent and what if I do not find love again. I am scared because I grew up so normal( well no one is normal..everyone has issues) and I want that for my kids. I do not want them to be shuffled around and have to deal with step family issues. It scares me.
I used to be like this; my main motivation was fear. It's not a good way to live life. Scared to be a single parent? Aren't you kind of already? Your H sounds like a very dysfunctional guy, and prob. you are your children's stable parent. Shuffled around? From what you say, if your H would have any custody it should be a tiny bit of supervised visitation. I think any reasonable judge would prob. place your children with you. What if you don't find love again? Well, I don't think you have that now really, and I 100% believe you can in future.
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I do let him puppet me because I hurt.
Actually I think you hurt b/c you let him puppet you. When he is drunk and or/verbally abusive you and your kids should not have to be exposed to that.
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Honestly, I do not understand what I did to him that was so awful...why he hates me SO much and why did he stop loving me!
There's a thing called projection where one hates themselves they project that onto someone else. I suspect your H hates himself actually. I also don't think active alcoholics can love anyone including themselves. That's not about you, but about him.
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I honestly do not know how to turn this around. Nothing I do seems to matter to him...he is not scared of losing me at all.
He knows you're too scared to leave him so he has no fear of losing you. You need to go to al-anon, read about codependency, detachment, try some IC, etc. There are some AWESOME threads on boundaries and detachment in the Newcomers section (the first couple pages usually). You need to read them and apply what you read.
