WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Well, my 'holding pattern' on telling her I know about her phone records didn't last long. I have been watching the phone records for several months, noting communication with OM about once a week but biting my toungue about it, and detatching as much as possible, recognizing she has to choose to not communicate with him and that my past attempts to force her to stop haven't worked.

She has been really acting strange and irritable this week, and I know OM called her on Wednesday so I told her last night "I still don't want you talking to OM - it offends me after what happened earlier and to me any communication with him is wrong, even if you say it is just friends and not like before."

She lied and said she hasn't talked to him, etc etc. I told her please don't lie tome and lets just be honest about this. I then realized I wasn't exactly being honest either since I had been looking at her phone records without her knowledge so I told her.

Her immediate concern/reaction was that I had now been able to see ALL of the details about calls from when she was having the EA most intensely and she said she is sorry I had to see that.

We got into a bunch of arguing about D/S. She refuses to get a lawyer and/or file. She is telling me to do it. She is saying she refuses to change her work situation and I told her that a judge would not force me to pay support based upon her working part time.

All in all, I still think D/S is a fantasy to her. She doesn't want to bite off all the reality. She keeps coming up with unreasonable conditions that would prevent it from happening. She wants me to sell the house so she can get her equity out, but she wants more money than it is worth. If I say fine, let's sellt he house, she says NO because it is not worth enough now. If I say fine, you move out and we will set a date in the future to value the house and split it she says no I want my money now and don't want to have to rent. ??!?!??!!?!?

The argument/discussion ensued from that point for about an hour.

Here are some relevant quotes....

TDR: If you leave, I plan on talking to OM's girlfriend (he lives with a woman he had a child with, but claims they are just co-parents and not together - the same thing W has been implementing with me) and telling her about you guys. She will deserve to know if you leave since you will likely be with OM.
W: (panicky look in her eye) why would you do that? What are you going to tell her ?? They aren't 'together ' so it wont' matter.
TDR: I'll believe it if SHE tells me they are not together. His word on this topic is obviously worthless.

<she knows I have phone records now, as well as recorded conversations that would be plenty of 'proof' that they couldn't deny>

W: I may talk to OM now and again he is just a friend like anyone else I talk to and I have no feelings for him like before. Back when I was talkign all the time to him (EA time) I was kind of off my rocker for a while.

<back when I discovered the EA I told her I could forgive because she was kind of 'temporarily insane' and now she is basically admitting this. I guess that is a good sign.>

W: You are going crazy, snooping in my phone accounts, talking to a phsychic, etc etc
TDR: I have made mistakes and it has been a hard year. I haven't always reacted in ways that were productive, but the snooping/surveillance was somthing you drove me to do based upon your behavior and pattern of lies. They don't give you a manual on how to handle this very hard situation. Some day I will look back on this year and realize just how tough it was - it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
W: you made me go through 'hell' for longer than this

<this is total crap - she is rewriting history thinking that what she has put me through is what she went through for years - I never had an EA and moved out of hte bedroom, etc>


W: You can't be happy and why would you stay in a M like this?
TDR: I agree - I don't want this. However, I have learned what my vows really mean. When you say them at your wedding ceremony they are just words for the most part, but I have learned the true meaning of sticking with a M for better or worse. <she got misty eyed at this point>

TDR: I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to stay in limbo forever either.
W: Then why don't you do something about it. File for D. You can move out - who says I have to?
TDR: It isn't up to me if we get a D or not.
W: Who is it up to?
TDR: You are the one who has declared this M over so you should do it, otherwise, it is up to God, not me. I made a vow. I also shouldn't have to leave my home because you have decided you don't want to be M any more.

The conversation ended pretty calmly. I feel like we made some sort of connection. We will see if it makes any difference. We learned that we will really struggle settling on separation/divorce terms, but neither wants to spend $$$s on lawyers so we are at a stalemate. She will stay in this situation for a LONG time I think.

It tells me she REALLY DOESN'T want a D, or at least doesn't want it bad enough to make it happen. If she really wanted it she could make it happen - she has her own money tucked away and I have shown her that there are plenty of reasonable living arrangements for her. She only wants it if she is not inconvenienced much - she is crazy.

My only option is to file D papers myself. I am going to re-assess in January, assuming the next 2 months are bearable and civilized.

I told her an alternative would be to delcare a 'truce' and stop assuming that the M is over, and go back to the position of 'maybe it is, maybe it isn't' since neither of us can predict the future. She wouldn't agree to this, and also stated she has stopped going to her IC. She just doesn't want to work on it right now so I dropped this. Back to Detatchment. She will now close off access to her phone account now.

She left for an out of town wedding with inlaws this weekend.