Wife says she wants me to move on

[john210]

brkn,

This is a long process, Regardless of the outcome you will have your good days and your bad days. Eventually the bad days will dissipate into bad moments and then brief thoughts. We have all gone through them and time is the only healer. We need to help ourselves when the blues hit us. Don't leaf through old pictures when you are feeling down for example.....get out......stay busy.
Hang in there.

[crossroads]

"Don't leaf through old pictures when you are feeling down for example"

Made this mistake myself the other day. I really hadn't intended to, but was rifling through a kitchen drawer, looking for documents that I need, and found a whole stack of photos, ranging from right before and right after we'd gotten married, to within the past couple years, including some shots from when we were separated last time.

The pictures from long ago were really tough to see, because I got to see her as she looked when I fell in love with her...astonishingly gorgeous, sweet, and innocent. And, of course, she was hanging all over me all the time. Those hurt a bit. Lucky for me, I'm up to my earbones in crisis management at the moment, so I didn't have much time to dwell on them.

[brknheart]

Another thing that sucks is when she calls, my heart races. I dont know what to expect, is she going to say or do something that makes me feel like [censored]. I hate the feeling. I know im suppose to act upbeat, happy, but Im not a very good actor... Even though ive been feeling a lot better, I still miss my W, the companionship, the love of my life. Yep, this process sucks...

[chatterbug]

Me too bkrnheart. Me too.

[john210]

It sucks wit a CAPITAL S boys and girls. But you will have to go through it (unless of course WAS comes running back, which has been known to happen, rarley but it does).
Who you are on the other side is totally up to you!

[brknheart]

Its been a week since Ive seen my W. There are times I break down but it only last about an hour. I starting working out last week and jogging in the neighborhood. This takes my mind off of things and it feels good! Its amazing how much of a sloth you can become without exercise, only to find out that exercise makes you feel good. Im also thinking about volunteering at a local church this weekend, helping others in the community. Anything to get my mind off of this.

[brknheart]

She called today, had to come to the house to pickup something. I made sure I wasn't there. I needed to go out of town, so I txt her about staying at the house with the pets. She replied that I didnt give her enough notice, she had plans. She called minutes later and was pissed. She said the same old thing, this is just like our marriage, everything has to be your way. She didnt even have plans where she couldn't stay at the house at night. Part of me feels guilty that she got mad and I did give her short notice but part of me feels like she is putting me through hell, she needs to understand I need the weekends to plan my life after DDay. I am trying to move on, make plans, and she still gets pissed. Then we got on the subject of the separation/divorce. Like the DR book says, I think my W has shut the door on your M. She insist that she feels nothing for me, is "broken". I said she is the one that is giving up and she says she gave me 11 years. If I told her I gave her 11 years, she would blow up. She also asked me why Im not over her yet...its been 2 mths since we split. WTF? She can be a cold, cold woman. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have no feeling for her anymore. I keep asking myself, who is this woman? I really feel like she is having mental issues. The part that cares about her feels bad, the part that is being hurt by her is mad.

I have to keep working on detachment. I dont want to see her for at least 30-45 days, I need to detach... keep thinking, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[crossroads]

"I am trying to move on, make plans, and she still gets pissed."

She gets pissed BECAUSE you're moving on. I think that part of the WAW wants to know that you're still pining for her...it's almost like a safety net for them that gives them peace of mind to keep doing what they're doing, and if their single happy girl life doesn't pan out, they know that they can fall back to ol' faithful. If you give her the impression that you're taking that safety net away from her, she's going to become unnerved. At least, that's my take.

I can say that, the first time my WAW did this, we lived together for 16 months before she moved out, and during that period, I did a complete 180 in every aspect of my life, and it drove her up the fricking wall. She'd sometimes get right in my face and YELL at me "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW, WHEN IT DOESN'T MATTER?"

Ultimately, it was her finding out that I was seeing somebody else that pushed her over the edge that time and drove her back to me, within weeks. Somehow, even though she didn't want anything to do with "the old car" anymore, she just couldn't stand the thought of somebody ELSE driving it. I don't think that's gonna be the case this time.

Methinks she's gone for good this time, but time will tell. She is a bit tortured right now, even though she doesn't let it show to me very often. She shows visceral hatred for me whenever she comes over or calls...pretty weird, seeing as how she was the one who wanted to "do this the right way, and part as friends." Not so easy to do when she's over there and I'm over here, getting on with my life without her.

Her biggest torment right now is that she's lost her boys. They want nothing to do with her right now, and she may never get them back, to be honest. They're completely fed up with her, after seeing her do this twice now. Our eldest has a birthday on the 2nd, and I highly doubt he'll want anything to do with her at all. The 3rd is our anniversary, so that's GOT to bother her, even if she won't admit it. I'll buy a card, just in case she does, but I doubt she will.

Her birthday is on the 18th, and as far as I can tell right now, she'll get a card from our daughter and that's about it. The boys won't likely lift a finger for her. Thanksgiving right around the corner after that, and she'll be spending it with her rommate and AA pals instead of her family. Same with Christmas, when that rolls around.

All of that stuff is going to cause her great torment, but it is what it is. She's broken this family one too many times, and the ones who're old enough to remember the first time aren't real anxious to welcome her into their lives at this point.

Part of me can't help but feel sorry for her, because I know that there will come a day, perhaps not for months or years down the line, when she'll begin to feel real deep regrets over this, but my guess is that it'll be far too late to undo it by then. She never undid the damage she did to those kids and our marriage the first time she did this, and now she's done it again.

You're doing good, man. Keep it up. If she's going to come back, it'll be because she sees you doing fine and dandy without her, and she'll start to see things in you that she originally fell in love with. The distance/dark thing seems to really be beneficial, for both ends of this. It helps us heal and move on, and it helps them begin to see the finality of their decision. Again, you're taking away that safety net, and forcing her to TRULY set her own path.

My goofy WAW has a cushy, posh, make-believe life in a bubble right now. She's living for almost free in a beautiful, fairly new house, and can live like that indefinitely. She's good buds with the homeowner. Sweet deal for her, but it's a bubble that she's going to have to eventually emerge from, and that's going to be a harsh slap in the face when she does, just like last time.

One thing about this that plays in my favor is that, if this does come to divorce, it's going to be awfully tough for her to argue her case for primary custody of our D when she doesn't even have her own place to live, and is living in a sheltered little, make-believe bubble world.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I just don't know that I really need my own. I've been through this before, and I feel pretty good overall about how I'm doing. I screwed the pooch on Monday night, bigtime, but picked myself up, dusted myself off, and have had numerous contacts with her since that were entirely positive on my part, while she was an unholy b!tch from hell. I just remained calm, pleasant, and happy throughout her infantile tirades, and will remain so from now on. I won't get sucked into her fights again. If she wishes to attack and demonize me, that's her deal, not mine. I'll just remain calm and pleasant, and, if it calls for it, agree with her and apologize that I'd made her feel that way.

Fun stuff, ain't it?

[brknheart]

Yep, fun stuff crossroads Did you spouse want you to move on also, did she say "get over me"? The way I feel today, I dont even feel like being with her if she came back. I know I will feel different tomorrow most likely, part of the emotional roller coaster. I am making plans on moving on and it feels good having some power back. I feel like the longer we are separated, the more evil she becomes. You are right about WAW asking why you are doing things that you didnt do before. My WAW has made similar comments, I say because I wanted to do it (keeps me busy). My WAW doesn't have any idea what I do around the house. In her mind I dont do anything, she is in for a big surprise. One examples, she handled finances badly when she was single, on time I had cc debt was when I married her, I took over and made everything right within a year, she is going to be sorry after the D...

[brknheart]

Now the W is pushing for a D sooner then 6 mths, that we can both say weve been separated that long. She is really determined. She also thinks I am hiding things from her, which Ive never done anything for her to think I am untrustworthy. She on the other hand has done things since the separation that I cant trust her, I told her this. Its really sad how she is handling this situation, I feel like its getting to the point of no return, the point where she is going to do so much damage, to us and the people around us, that not only our M but any kind of relationship will not be possible in the future. Ive realized one thing, she needs mental help. The side that cares for her feels bad but I cant do anything about it. You cant lead a wild horse to water. In the beginning, I blamed myself for a lot of what happen, had much guilt, thought what could I have done differently, then over time I realized its not just me, its never just one person, it takes two to tango, she had baggage in the marriage she wont admit to, will never admit. Ive even talked to some of her friends and theyve said she is acting unstable and needs help, but they wont tell her this! Afraid of her I guess, what kind of friends are they?...

The good thing though is ive learned a ton from the DB forums, DR book, and other relationship books ive been reading. Ive been talking to my family more than I ever did in the past, reconnecting with old friends, and seeing things differently in the world. This is only going to make me a better person for my future and new relationships.