Can I save my marriage?

[Coach]

How much success have you had "over-thinking" things? Stop it, it is wasted energy and time.

You think to "pessimistic" - always, never, everybody, nobody, must, anything, everything etc. Google Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism."

You don't love yourself. You husband isn't going to love you if you don't love yourself.

All I care about is my husband, and getting him home. Then I can care about my well being again.

Reverse that thinking. It's unhealthy and not attractive to men. Check out Melody Beattie and "Co-Dependence." Love your neighbor as yourself.

Put the focus on the only place you have any control - yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. You control your actions, thoughts, emotions. You have a choice in how you handle things.

Cheers
Coach

[TrentC]

How much success have you had "over-thinking" things? Stop it, it is wasted energy and time.

[...]

Put the focus on the only place you have any control - yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. You control your actions, thoughts, emotions. You have a choice in how you handle things.

You'll probably hear this a lot, Britt, but listen to Coach. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

[TrentC]

Hopefully we didn't scare you off...?

Hope your night was a pleasant one.

[Lll54]

Hey, sorry i went out with my sister. So today is a complete confusing crazy crazy crazy day! I don't know what to think or what to do next.

So he went to play noon hour hockey and while gone he called asked if I wanted lunch. I was starving so he brought home some food. We ate it and joke around and had good conversation. My 3 year old was sleeping cause he is still sick and feel asleep on the couch. My one year old was being so loud so we went downstairs to hang out. So while down there, he brings up somehow how much he has seen a change in me in the past three weeks. How i'm so busy, and how its seems like I'm always doing things. He said he feels less pressure being around me and that I seem more carefree and less stressed. Which are all things I've been working on, and do feel I have made progress on. He then went on to talk about our home and how there is some things he would like to do to it to make it a little better for us. And then he came over to my couch and held me for two hours! ( I put the baby to bed for a nap and the eldest napped as well) We made out like we were movie stars! It was great. I felt like it was the first week we started dating all over again. Well one thing led to another, and ya it happened. So then he had plans to take our son to a hockey game and made plans for the youngest to go to his sisters because I had plans tonight too. So he took the boys and their jammies and gave me a big kiss and told me he would talk to me soon. Now I know it wasn't just the affection he needed today because we talked for hours prior to any of that and made a lot of head room. He also bought a new truck this week and sold his old crappy car. So I asked him if he enjoys it and his response was "yes, i do. We need two good reliable vehicles and now we have them" The "we" part gives me good reason to believe he is having second thoughts. So obviously I didn't expect him to stay home with me tonight. I definitely do not want premature reconciliation. But my question is what do I do now? Do I keep on keepin' on? Doing what I was? Do I initiate "the talk"? I don't know! He isn't staying here tonight. But I don't know how to say that we need to make sure we are on the same path here? Aaaahhh!!

[robx]

...I was starving so he brought home some food. We ate it and joke around and had good conversation. My 3 year old was sleeping cause he is still sick and feel asleep on the couch. My one year old was being so loud so we went downstairs to hang out. So while down there, he brings up somehow how much he has seen a change in me in the past three weeks. How i'm so busy, and how its seems like I'm always doing things. He said he feels less pressure being around me and that I seem more carefree and less stressed. Which are all things I've been working on, and do feel I have made progress on.

So he finally admits to you that he feels less pressure around you, you see some really good results about it, he is feeling more comfortable around you and you are getting some of what you want from him and you think that to continue this situation you need to induce more pressure by talking with him about the relationship.

You are looking for answers but when you are presented with them, you look right by them for something that is more suiting & serving to you? Can you enjoy what you are getting now and try to be happy with it for a while before pursuing with relationship talk which will no doubt create pressure and make him want to run away again? Can you allow him to enjoy this family life? That is one of your goals isn't it? You want him to be around, you want to be there for you & the family, you want your husband back, you want all of these things right? So why not create the environment where that is possible for him right now without any pressure. Why not keep your expectations low and accept him as he is? Let him be comfortable around you, let him enjoy your changes because they are REAL changes aren't they?

No R talk, no pursuing, you continue getting a life and doing things and stop pressuring him, you allow him to be a parent when he can be and you acknowledge him when he does good things and as you can see, he acknowledged your efforts without you asking about it.

Just continue as is and continue to receive more of this good stuff.

I think you had your answer all along, it's counter intuitive but if whatever you are doing now is working, just continue doing it.

NO PRESSURE - those were his words, listen to him, be the kind of partner that listens to their partner.

[TrentC]

Just continue as is and continue to receive more of this good stuff.

I think you had your answer all along, it's counter intuitive but if whatever you are doing now is working, just continue doing it.

NO PRESSURE - those were his words, listen to him, be the kind of partner that listens to their partner.

I'm about ready to mail Britt my copy of DR...

[Lostforwords]

Britt,

Why do you think your actions on the 22 actually backfired? The first thing you have to accept in this....if you make plans pertaining to your husband expecting a certain reaction, then you are off base a bit. You make plans to improve yourself, 180, GAL, or whatever....not for a reaction from your husband. In improving yourself you find your old self that isn't filled with hurt and anger and become stronger, more confident, more sexy, more appealing, and more emotionally stable. Don't make plans expecting a reaction, it will almost always backfire.

I will disagree with Rob about the children. You set a boundary by telling your husband to return the kids due to their sickness. Children shouldn't be getting moved around from house to house even if it is just a bellyache. Regardless of your relationship with your husband....the children's welfare needs to be protected. Their well being has nothing to do with what is happening.

On to the 22....backfired...yes...because you expected results. From my seat it worked quite nicely actually. You were out all day and then came home and informed him that you were going back out. His reaction was predictably negative, but that is the reality he created. You are going to have a life, things to do, and obligations that need to be attended to....no longer is his happiness the center of your existence. He doesn't like that! On his end that is just the beginning of what is in store for him on the path he appears to be choosing. Next comes divorce and childcare payments...he isn't going to like that. Then comes you seeing other people...he isn't going to like that. Then you will introduce the children to another man...he isn't going to like that. Do you see a reoccurring theme....those are the consequences of his actions...period. You gave him a very small taste of that.

You are on a long road...so patience needs to become your ally. You may think this happened over night, but it has been in your husband's mind for awhile. Now is the time when you get to start playing catch up. You WILL heal....the pain WILL go away....you WILL survive. What you will find through DB'ing is that you will make the steps towards healing much faster than most other routes. Focus on yourself and the faster you do that the better you will be.

As far as the back rubs, ETC.....He is a guy. I hate to be blunt, but you are there and he is willing. To most guys in affairs it doesn't matter where it is coming from, just that it is (example-In my wife's first marriage she had an affair with her BF's husband. Down the road come to find out, there were 4 other women not including the BF). In other words...cake eating. With woman WAS's there is very little actions like your husbands, but with guys.....two is better than one. Males and females do operate differently......shut that door for him and he isn't going to like it (the theme again...LOL).

The first step towards saving your marriage is finding yourself.

[Lll54]

Robx you are right. Very good advice. I appreciate everything you said. I do want this and of course I want my husband home. But I feel like I'm in a good place right now where I can sit back and keep doing what I'm doing and create the environment that he has seen in the last few weeks. I want him to be happy, and I want him to come back to this marriage because he actually wants to. I feel our marriage was built on sand and if he does decide to come home I want to trash that old marriage and build a new one on stone. In order for that to happen I have to continue to give him his time and space that he needs and you're right. No R talks. I'm going to leave everything up to him, and just keep doing what I'm doing. Its obviously working! I never thought I would ever say that! I don't want to get my hopes up too high yet, but its hard. Trent, I haven't been able to get a copy of DB yet cause I live in a small town Alberta, Canada, and we only have one bookstore and they don't have it. So the nearest place I can get it is 2 1/2 hours away. Hoping to make a roadtrip here soon!

Lostforwords, I agree with you I really need patience now. This is going to be a challening time where I need to work on that! I have been given a light at the end of the tunnel, and I need to sit back let it happen. I'm am usually very eager to want to fix things like "Now!" but I have taken a different approach this time. When he kissed me and said good bye yesterday, my old way about things would to have been asking for answers. We have this great talk, great intimate moment and then he's leaving..."So are you coming home tonight then?" Probably would have been my old way of going about things. But I kissed him back and said goodbye and wished him fun on his night at the hockey game and that was the last we spoke. Of course it feels kinda weird not to have talked to him yet because I feel like we made such a breakthrough yesterday, but I can do it. I can let him do what he needs to do right now. I'm just going to be there waiting in the end.

Thanks everyone for your advice! I appreciate it!

[TrentC]

As a recommendation, I would get The Divorce Remedy first over Divorce Busting.

In my opinion, The Divorce Remedy has more useful tips and advice, and covers mostly the same ground.

It sounds like you're finally on the right track, though; I'm looking forwards to hearing how things go!

[Lll54]

Well, definitely was not prepared for this. After such an awesome day yesterday. I now have not spoken to him since. He has not reached out to me since then. Ugh! I know its only really been 24 hours. But in the past when we fight and make up, things go back to normal, it almost feels like it should be that way now, even though I know full well its not. I am dying today! I feel horrible! Waiting and waiting for that call or text! Ugh. Why do I have to feel this way again??? Of course i'm happy that he gave me so much yesterday but now what? I am having a hard time just being patient and waiting for him. I guess just take it as it is?