I never knew that HBH. Guess I am going through a cycle of grief... A few steps forward and a few back. I am so glad I got out of the anger stage... How are you countering your depression? I am using exercise, lots of water, friends , this site and some metal music...
Anyways dinner was nice. MIL made all my fav's We did not mention WAS once. It was like a big elephant sitting in the cornor. But we made it. I was there for 3 hours. We just talked about nothing all that time. Which was what the doctor ordered... I did talk about my GAL abit, running and the house. FIL talked about his life as a child. I have learned more about his life the last 3 months than in the previous 10 years. He has really opened up to me on everything.
Went home and introduced my house guest and dog to the new neighbourhood. Having someone in the house the next few weeks is going to help. Its funny listening to him talk in his waywardness everyonce in awhile. He is going to take these few weeks to really think about his EA and then go home to his wife. When they were in the thick of D-day I told him to stop yelling and blaming her for it. I said it was a crock of s*&t. Man up and admit it was you alone who did the EA. No matter what you and your wife did. You stepped out on your own. You own that. I really think it made him stop and think about what he was doing. So hopefully they can get back together. I hope he mentions this to my WAS on sunday when she is here snooping on my GAL and 180's ( I mean getting some additional stuff that she needs )
Anyways not a bad day. Tomorrow night I have a concert... Sat night a party with mutual friends. I hear WAS may attend. So that would most likely make for an interesting evening. I would rather have a GAL evening...
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Do any of you think that you became a WAS first ? But did not leave the relationship as you hid from yourself?
The last few months I have really been writing out about my relationship and life. I do this daily. It has really helped me open up to myself. This was my first 180. I have reread the last few months and I think that I may have started to detach on quite a few fronts on the marriage over the last few years.
I shut down on the issue of the childless marriage. Our attempts to have children were very painful to both of us and we both came to an understanding that we did not want children. Yet be both did and could not get this point across to each other. So we both walked away from it. It seems my whole life has been around the issue of children. I have realized that I really do want a family. I love children and I have this as a goal in life now. A boundary I have set up. ( May they be mine or someone elses ) My two biggest relationships in my life have had this major theme. The first one was back years ago in my 20's. The GF at the time then became P and told me she was scared and had to deal with it herself. We were together for 4 years by then and it was a OMG I am P and I am having an A so goodbye. I was devistated for a year and then just lived my life until I met W. I had problems with this and she really helped me through it all. It is one of the reasons I will always love her. It was a very freely giving love. And it took awhile for me to get over it. Fast forward 5 years into the M. No kids and we tried the Invetro. Which lasted 12 weeks. It just broke my heart and brought back all those feelings from years ago. And this time we did not deal with it properly. And the last few years we have watched all our friends have families and we could not get around to admitting to each other it was what we wanted. The difference was that I would have adapted an older child and WAS wanted a baby. Only a baby. We just could not communicate this with each other. This is one of the reasons I think the affair took off as she see's this as a chance to have a family. Which really hurt as its with older children. Something that she did not want in our relationship. But I do forgive her on this as I know how important it is to her.
This also brings us back to the home. We bought the home to raise a family. At first we did stuff to the home to get it that way. But as time went by the was just stopped doing stuff around the house ( She comes from a messy house and is a very messy person ) So it became me who did the cleaning inside and outside. And when I did not it became messy. One item where I nagged and nagged and then gave up. I did not know how to communicate that to my wife. And I do believe it ties into the first big paragraph. One goal was not met in our marriage. So we let our surroundings crumble. This is another area that helped lead to the affair. The concept of leaving the old place behind. I believe that is why the WAS always mentions it in all her communications with me. My GAL and 180 was to bring back my house to be my home. This is also another goal I set up with myself. Clean and tidy home that I am proud to own. I have come very far there. I am back to how I was years ago. I actually enjoy cleaning. Put on good music and just lose myself into cleaning. I love it. I am not a neat freak. But I do like it to be drop by clean at all times.
Another one was that I started to set up activities that were just me specific. The coaching children in sports. Bike riding. These took times away from the marriage. And we were getting down to the dangerous levels of together time due to was's workaholic levels and her daily commute of 1 hour each way on a good day.
More later. Got to get back to work. Being open on this forum is a 180 for me as well. WAS always said that if I was really worried about something I did not talk about it until I worked out every angle in my head then I would just say it. That is another goal of mine.
Anyways everyone have a good day. I know I will. For its Friday and I have worked hard this week for myself and now I am will reward myself with a good evening out with a few friends.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
i understand what you mean. MY w and I used to do a lot of things together. Until we had the baby. My attitude sort of changed from equal partner to full on protector of the family.
However my wife did not want to be a stay at home wife and was conflicted in her role as a mother and a career woman.
I sensed those things and coupled with some key sport injuries i suffered (acl, herniated disk). I felt depressed and through my energy and money into a hobby for myself.
I think that was the beginning of the end. I did notice i didn't want to be around her that much. But i figured i was in a rut and would soon come out of it. She tried to engage me but where i was she did not want to be. I regret that i didn't have the courage to fight as hard as i am fighting now.
Now, even tho we are on amicable terms why would she want to come back to me, knowing what i am capable of doing. (depression_)
I can tell she still loves me, but she wants the divorce to unshackle that expectation. I get that now.
Well had a great night and a few to many wobbly pops... A night of metal. Some good friends. No GAL or 180's just a break as I already know I have a life. Thanks to everyone for helping me through the weeks, I have really appricated the help and conversation. Night.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Sounds like you had a good night last night and I have to admit, metal and wobbly pops sound like my kinda night! You are doing well with the GAL so keep up the good work. I hope that I can reach the point you are at soon.
Well today I completed a goal. Finished my first running program. 9 Weeks it took to get me to here. I can run 10km now no problem and I can run 20km a week now. So I am going to reward myself with a new running program. One where the goal is to run 40km a week and 4 days a week. This program is 12 weeks in lenght. Which will take me to the middle of January. This is going to be great. I am looking forward to seeing where I am in my life by then. Most likely in the best shape I have ever been in. I just feel fantatisic right now. This has been one of my biggest goals in the last 2 years. And I did it all by myself. I am so proud of myself.
Pat on back.....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hey undrdg. I had a very good weekend. A wee bit tired from it. Concert , halloween party , running , painting and coaching sports. This week I am going to take it easy and work on some of my listening skills. I have gotten into the swing of things over the last week. I am still waking up but at least it was 2am not 4 am And on the weekend I did not get much sleep at all. The halloween party was weird at first. It was one with a close group of friends. Only difference was that this year I was there by myself. I had a great night. The hostess is best friends with the WAS ( WAS is going to be maid of honor in her wedding ... well maybe as she is really torn on what to do with that. My answer when asked was that is something she needs to talk about with her bridesmaids and soon to be husband ) I did the GAL thing and was asked many times about who the girl was from the weekend before. So I answered truefully. I posted that answer in your thread. I was also asked if I still loved and cared for WAS. I replied that I will always have feelings for WAS. But that I am moving on as the marriage is over. Only one person can attempt to start a new relationship and that rests solely on her shoulders. I also was asked if I had seen WAS. And I realized its been 6 weeks since the last time I saw her. And 6 weeks where I emailed once and answered 2 phone calls for about 3 minutes of conversation. The hostess has not talked to her since august. It was an interesting conversation. An interesting night. Another life moment that we shared for years but I have decided that I wanted to continue experiencing so I did. I went to that party not knowing if she was going to be there or not. And I did not care either way. I really do not know what to make of that. Still coming to grips with it.
Time flies. 4 months ago was the start of the EA. But 6 weeks of not knowing anything but only my life.
That group of friends are a very good group of friends. I asked them to not judge but only support. And they have done that freely to both of us over the last 4 months. They were a big part of helping me come to terms with all this.
Other updates.
Well I gotta figure out if I want to buy her out or sell the house and get a new place. So I will prepair for both. Parallel path. I also decided that I will go out on a blind date to see what its like. I will also continue my friendship with the girl I went out with last week. I will just keep it apart every 3 to 4 weeks while I continue to work on myself and discover what I want in my life. I will also continue to help people here as it helps with learning.
Interesting times in my life.
But I like the path I am heading down.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
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