Well, basically have spent the time away trying to recover from the smack-down of the revelation of GF and having felt duped by H. He went back on the road, again I've been left with not enough money to pay the bills, kids really struggling with their dad being gone and processing the separation. It's been quite overwhelming. Been trying to focus on a believable plan to get out of this muck and stay out of victim-mode...gonna go work for my mom (which is close to cruel and unusual punishment) and it wont even scratch the surface. Working on tightening up my resume and seeking more lucrative work, also throwing time into my creative ventures (long-shots as far as $). Been trying to get back to brass tacks with H regarding the #1 priority being providing for our children above all else. He is living the dream and I still get emails and updates regularly. I don't respond.
Last night, he called late at night. I was really thinking about him and still have this damn wish that he's gonna "get it." Well, seeing as my life is a movie at this point, true to plot, he was calling to inform me that rock star wants him to work with him for next two years and will rent him a house on tropical isle and have him on salary. This is a "quagmire" for H for he realizes that the kids are suffering not having their dad, especially in light of our situation. Perhaps I would be willing to come out with them and school them there and...well, I said that we would need to discuss when he gets back as given the dynamic between us, I would not know what I was walking into, every time we're alone we're all over each other...I don't think I could go without clarifying what is going on between us. Plus, and of paramount importance, regardless of how much money he makes, we must address our finances and make an agreement, living like this is intolerable. I brought up GF, he got quiet, she's still an issue. It's "complicated" he keeps saying, not sure if I should pursue wtf that means...is she pregnant? He seems so ambivalent about her in some ways, even seems to be dating other women, does it matter?
This was our dream together and yes I told him, we always told the kids we were going to go away together...we talked about our R a little bit, and about what's at stake and for all of his admissions of f*cked upness, is he gonna do something about it or make huge life altering decisions while on the run?
I'm trying to look at the upside here. If he is out of town for most of the next two years and away most of the time, I get some financial stability and him out of my hair OR, if he does want to give "us" a chance, perhaps I take the leap and go to tropical isle and write and have an adventure with my children and we give it a shot...it is still not a full head on confrontation with "reality" but that may never happen.
As his world turns, who knows what he'll throw at me next? For now, I'm gonna proceed as if nothing is different, cuz for now it isn't, I still have not enough money for bills and my kids to care for on my own. Boy did I pick a "winner."
