@robx Thanks for your response and checking back on my thread. I agree, I do see now that I have high expectations. I appreciate your input... I HAVE to lower my expectations and remove the pressure. I must.
I'm going to respond with the names of two Cs that have been recommended to me. (I've spoken with one and liked her. She's pro-marriage. The other was recommended to me by the WAW that I run with and she liked him a lot.) I'll keep it simple and only tell him their names. I have trouble knowing how little or how much to respond.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I'm starting to forget why I'm going through all this. Why am I holding on for a reconciliation?
I spent the afternoon GAL with my kids and mom. We had a great time, lots of fun and didn't even miss H at all. We did things he wouldn't have liked to do anyway. I need to do this a whole lot more. I'll be doing it again tomorrow.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
@robx Thanks for your response and checking back on my thread. I agree, I do see now that I have high expectations. I appreciate your input... I HAVE to lower my expectations and remove the pressure. I must.
I'm going to respond with the names of two Cs that have been recommended to me. (I've spoken with one and liked her. She's pro-marriage. The other was recommended to me by the WAW that I run with and she liked him a lot.) I'll keep it simple and only tell him their names. I have trouble knowing how little or how much to respond.
You gave yourself the answer to that issue at the end, you have trouble knowing how little or how much to respond - keep it simple just like you said. Don't tell him which one you prefer.
No expectations and continue GAL, enjoy your life, you are responsible for your own happiness, you don't him to make you happy, if he wants to do his part as a husband, he will add hapiness to your life (note to anyone reading this, that's the role of any spouse, they aren't responsible for your happiness, they can however add happiness & enhance your life but you are ultimately responsible for your own great & happy life, never give that responsibility to anyone, high expectations and high pressure usually give way to failure)
You gave yourself the answer to that issue at the end, you have trouble knowing how little or how much to respond - keep it simple just like you said. Don't tell him which one you prefer.
He responded that he is open to other counselors than the one we did see and he wants me "to let him know". It's in my hands again. I don't know how to respond because I feel that being in control of the choice might be pursing? He also sent me a TM "confirming" that he will visit the kids tomorrow. I answered that with just an okay. So that part I can keep simple. I read your analogy on someone else's thread of the WAS being like a squirrel and I'm trying not scare him away. But I was surprised that he made two contacts with me today. Interesting, but no expectations here though.
Originally Posted By: robx
No expectations and continue GAL, enjoy your life, you are responsible for your own happiness, you don't him to make you happy, if he wants to do his part as a husband, he will add hapiness to your life (note to anyone reading this, that's the role of any spouse, they aren't responsible for your happiness, they can however add happiness & enhance your life but you are ultimately responsible for your own great & happy life, never give that responsibility to anyone, high expectations and high pressure usually give way to failure)
Yes! I agree you are so right. I'm trying to apply that. I was out again today GAL with the kids. We had a nice picnic in the park and saw a pet costume contest. More stuff H wouldn't do with us anyway--fun new experiences and nothing to remind us of him and make us sad.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
My C gave me a sheet of "effective responses to crazymaking"
DbyD,
Are you able to share the effective responses to crazymaking? Hang in there.
2B, my C suggested I read "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans since I'm dealing with not only a controlling H, but a controlling dad.
Here are a couple of the "effective responses":
What did you say? That doesn't work for me. Hold it. Do you hear yourself? Do you feel better now that you said that? I don't understand what that means. That feels hurtful. I am sure you did not mean to be hurtful...
Hope these help.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I'm reading "Controlling People". It's a good book. Unfortunately, I wanted more about how to deal with these people, but it seems the book focuses more on analyzing the controlling personality. Since your husband and mine are similar, I still suggest the read.
Kept it simple again and gave H the info to contact the two recommended counselors and he chose one and no other info. I guess he left it to me to set it all up? This feels like a dance. Baby steps.
I'm happy with the one he chose because in the phone conversations I've had with her I'm impressed. I know H chose her because her (adjusted) fee is so much lower than the other one although I know he wanted a male C.
Now I'm just concerned with what I'll say in the MC. From what I've read, I'm just supposed to validate and understand? Nothing else? Seems like I'm just supposed to let him express himself and get all his anger and resentment out at me while I sit and take it. Do I have that right?
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I'm reading "Controlling People". It's a good book. Unfortunately, I wanted more about how to deal with these people, but it seems the book focuses more on analyzing the controlling personality. Since your husband and mine are similar, I still suggest the read.
My C said to continue reading that it is further along in the book. Although, the reviews I read on amazon said the same thing as you.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Didn't expect this... and didn't know how to react.
Mondays H comes to visit the kids while I go to my recovery/support group. On Sunday he texted me confirming he'd be at the house by 6:30, but he showed up at 6:20. I was totally surprised and expected to not be home when he arrived. I didn't know how to react and felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I ran out the door and jumped in the car while he was getting out of his. We exchanged a friendly hello and I told him he had to pick up D at the barn and he said it was fine. I'm confused with how I felt. I guess I'm getting detached?
Then, somehow I had a feeling that H was going to be at the house when I got home. I ran a couple errands to kill some time, but yep, he was there. I was not sure what to do. I walked to my room to leave my purse and then walked into the family room to see the kids. He greeted me and hugged the kids goodbye. I kissed the kids hello and then he told me bye and thanks for dinner. I guess these are baby steps, but I'm trying to not have expectations.
So many things went through my mind. I was afraid he would want to have R talk. I've had more contact with H today than in 3 weeks! So glad I didn't see his anger or rejection.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Wow. Congrats. It is a dance, and it is baby steps. It all sounds positive.
Yes, listen and validate - don't fight no matter what.
However, someone wisely reminded me on this board that when we are dealing with abusive men, the DB principals don't always work. DB if for normal relationships, generally.
So, I would add protect yourself emotionally. Stay calm, but don't take in his anger. Remember his anger is totally about him and his inability to handle his own feelings. Don't take the blame.
