Wife says she wants me to move on

[brknheart]

Update:

She came over tonight again. Ive been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday and I finally told her that I need to move on.
Based what people have posted and what friends have said, I know this is whats best for me. I cant keep torturing myself. I didnt want to meet up as "friends", just because she felt pity for me. She did ask if we are going to see each other anymore, I said only if its needed. I dont want to be a total ass to her, but I made a point that I need to detach from her and think and act on my future. We then went on to have a nice conversation about whats been going on in our week, as well as some things in our past. I was surprised on how well the conversation came out, she didnt get angry or mad even talking about the sad things over the years. First civil conversation we have had in months. We agreed not to discuss the D until December, when we are both out of school. She even said she wasnt sure how she would feel in December when she has a clear mind. Im not reading into that, I know I cant, I am moving on. She still feels we can be friends after DDay, but I really dont think that will happen. Another thing I came to grips about is the fact I have not control over anybody except myself. I know she is talking/flirting with some guy, which has been making me feel angry, but I have to tell myself she is her own person. If she makes a mistake and gets taken advantage of, she will have to learn from those mistakes. I feel a lot better right now, I feel I have control. Hopefully I can continue to stay like this, but I know I will have my good and bad days.

[brknheart]

So how did I handle the situation last night?

[crossroads]

Your W is clearly confused. She doesn't want to be married, but is probably scared to venture out into the world on her own, which is why she's wavering back and forth. I don't know. You know the situation and your wife better than I do, obviously.

What concerns me is that you're not able to heal and get on with YOUR life while she does this. She appears to feel quite comfortable in just stringing you along, but it's really not a healthy thing for you, imo. Eventually, you may veyr well have to face the harsh reality that she's gone and is not coming back, and you're going to be at square one with your healing at that point.

The whole idea of DB techniques, as I learned them, is not necessarily to win the WAS back, but rather, to build the BS up to the point where day to day living isn't an excrutiating, empty, painful experience. It's about focusing on YOU, and moving one with YOUR life, not worrying about whether or not she's coming back, or micro managing every single word out of her mouth.

Like you said, you can't control this stuff. The only control you have is over YOU, so take control of THAT. That's what matters now.

[brknheart]

yes, she is very confused. I knew that from the beginning. I know that I have to move on with my life. Ive already taken steps preparing to transfer to another school/city. Like I said, I still lover her, she knows this, but I know I cant make her want me back. As I said before, she feels that everything had to be my way, now she has control to make things her way in her life. I still have a slight bit of hope that she will realize divorce is not the answer. Right now I am doing what she wants, moving on. I hate to do this, but I know I have to. It hasn't even been 2 mths of being separated, 4 mths is a long way to for for DDay.

[Kalni]

When WE (LBSs) stop "pressuring" by deciding we are ready to drop the rope for good, we eliminate the reason of "running" for the WASs. Eventually, and if they still have SOME marbles left in their heads, they face the mirror. The focus shifts from "I dont want to be with you" to "where the h$ll do I want to be?". And in some cases, that brings change.

Focus on you life and make plans.
K

[brknheart]

Since I talked to my W about moving on, I feel a lot better. I have mixed emotions now. Onward with my journey to figure out what I want now.

[Lll54]

Oh I feel you completely! The way you talk, the things you say feel like they are coming from me! I too have tried keeping busy and going out. But my friends all completely involve married with children people. So as much fun as you can have with these people does not eliminate the constant thoughts that run through your mind about their lives and how you used to have that and want it back. And watching them interact the whole day or night and not having anyone there to have the same interaction with. And not just anyone but your "spouse" I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to let go, because as soon as you do, does that give them too much space that they start to enjoy it and then never want to come home? I dunno? We have two little boys together so we haven't had much time away from each other because we have to exchange the boys 3 times a week. But I also know what you mean when you say they haven't contacted you in 3 or 4 days and you begin to wonder if they even care about you at all? It kills us to get through those 3 or 4 days, but it obviously doesn't for them or they would contact us. I too feel lonely, exhausted, scared to death, depressed, worried. I feel like I over analyze every word that comes out of his mouth and I only do things certain ways to keep him happy. I am living my lift around him right now and that sucks. I believe you are doing the same thing. I wish there was a magic pill too, that would get them to realize what the hell they are doing. The hurt can't be erased, but I would be really nice to wake up one day and instead of the pit in the bottom of my stomach and the tears flowing for fear of how I'm going to get through the day, it would be nice to not have a second of care for our spouses. Life would be so much easier. But people like you and I and many people on here, care too much. Love too much. And walk on eggshells too much and that's why we are in this position. I think we all have more strength than we think we have, its just finding it. And that's where I am today. I have found one part of my strength for my two little boys but none for me yet. Anyways, I don't have any advice or words of wisdom for you but I just wanted you to know there is someone else out there feeling the EXACT way you feel. You are not alone. It kind of gives me some weird sense of comfort to know I am not the only one in the world going through this. Keep your head up..I am trying to.

[brknheart]

thanks britt54. I know their are many others that feel the same and these forums make you feel like you arent alone. I still love my W, but Im not sure if she is the same person I married. I am taking steps now to move on, if things are meant to be then something will happen, if not I have a plan.

[crossroads]

"I am taking steps now to move on, if things are meant to be then something will happen, if not I have a plan."

That, oddly enough, is the ONLY thing that MIGHT possibly bring her back. I know, it doesn't make sense to we non-aliens, but that's the way this stuff works. The exact opposite of what we THINK will work, is the ONLY thing that MIGHT, and the thing that we are CONVINCED will work, are absolutely, positively guaranteed to fail, without question.

You're making headway, my friend! You've accomplished the first step, in accepting that you are powerless, except in controlling how you react to her actions and words!

[brknheart]

You're making headway, my friend! You've accomplished the first step, in accepting that you are powerless, except in controlling how you react to her actions and words!

Thanks crossroads. Its funny how much better I feel since telling her this the other day. I still have bad times during the day but not nearly as many as before.