So sorry to hear about how the talk went last night. Keep your head high because I know that you have helped alot of people on here and should be proud of yourself for not only that but also for the changes you made for yourself.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
who has never cheated on her, who has quit drinking, is very involved with his children, who is home almost every night, who does nice things for her, who provides a steady income, and who has had a PMA for the last 6 months of the most difficult challenge of his life, then I cannot (nor can anyone else) "win" her back, whatever that means. And damm!t, I'm tired of trying.
I swear I'm going to just adopt you into my family or something! I frankly don't know any men that do even half of those things for their wives and with their children. She has no idea what she is giving up.
You said she doesn't work, does a little consulting, and manages to bring in $2,000 a month? I work a full time and a part time job and barely make that! What the heck does she do?
But those are all "nice guy" traits and although they're important, they aren't going to flick those attraction switches and that part isn't up to me, attraction isn't a choice and if the rule was that nice guys attracted the hottest women then you would be the prize. Women are attracted to the "bad guys", the ones that aren't tamed, that chart their own course, that are confident, don't care about other people's opinions, it's extremely masculine and that's what women want, masculinity. Alot of guys start off that way, very masculine, family life changes them, they become these responsible, mature, parent, spouse provider types and all these women they're with start having MLC's and start pursuing affairs with other men. They miss the masculinity and the excitement and feel they're being killed slowly by the boredom.
Point well taken robx. But, understand my "list" is an incomplete one in the middle of a rant. Yes, I exhibited those behaviors. But, I also began meeting my own needs, detached so that my happiness is not dependent upon hers, and took the lead on the discussion last night.
I am definitely a recovering Nice Guy. But, am NOT one of those anymore. I met a buddy out for dinner tonight, no wedding ring. I always stayed home on Friday noght for family movie night. Not tonight. Came home, went for a run, showered, then got dressed nicely, cologne, and walked into to the den to grab my keys. W had no idea I was going out - I said, I am gonna run some errands, then grab a bite to eat out. See ya. As I was leaving, my D6 said "Dad, you look fancy." Thanks sweetie.
do you think she is projecting a little. You don't care versus. I don't care enough about me. How have you supported her care taking in the past. Does she Ned you to stand up for her because she can't. How well does she take care of herself? I think you need to take the kids and go away for a long weekend. No contact.
Honestly, I think she checked out a long time ago. It's just not there.
I have done all the Nice Guy behaviors. I never forgot any major occasion (anniversaries, burthdays). You know the drill.
Deep down, she may be unhappy about her life and sees me as the source of all that unhappiness.
I don't think she wants me to do anything for her. And, yes, she takes care of herself. Readily admits she is vain.
Honestly, I think she checked out a long time ago. It's just not there.
Yeah, I'm stubbornly, reluctantly beginning to admit this to myself, now. Long time ago DB never showed any evidence of affecting my sitch, probably never was going to. Too late. Checked out for sure.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, had a good dinner out with a friend. Felt strange not to be home with the kids on Friday night. I will make up for that this weekend with them.
I will be civil with my W, but I just don't feel like talking to her. I do not want to be her friend.
Feeling somewhat down, but I can handle it. Will be a lot of Bible reading this weekend. Good verses from Gardener's thread. Already highlighted in my Bible.
Thanks for everyones' advice and support today. I needed both.
So does this mean that all you 'nice guy' types around here that have always been that way naturally have decided to do the opposite now because your w's couldn't appreciate it? That sounds pretty sad to me. No one ever said be a doormat, but just because your w's didn't appreciate the nice way they were treated doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other women in this world that would appreciate it because they never had it.
You see, every woman will see you differently based on her own experiences in the past.
I'm just saying......please don't get rid of those nice guy traits. There are so few men left in the world that are even kind, let alone genuinely nice.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, There is a difference between being an Nice Guy and a nice guy. Nice Guy is a bad word for us recovering from being to Nice. Nice Guys are really not that nice they just act that way to try and get their needs met.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
So does this mean that all you 'nice guy' types around here that have always been that way naturally have decided to do the opposite now because your w's couldn't appreciate it? That sounds pretty sad to me. No one ever said be a doormat, but just because your w's didn't appreciate the nice way they were treated doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other women in this world that would appreciate it because they never had it.
You see, every woman will see you differently based on her own experiences in the past.
I'm just saying......please don't get rid of those nice guy traits. There are so few men left in the world that are even kind, let alone genuinely nice.
They were nice guys on the outside but not on the inside, they did those things because they didn't feel like they had enough value as is so they had to compensate by doing all these great things so that the people around them would notice and at the same time, these nice guys are hoping inside that they will be noticed for all their hard work and that their spouses will acknowledge for the great people they are and return the favor and since this isn't happening - why should you continue being a nice guy? You want to do nice things, you can do nice things just don't expect anything from anyone for it and don't believe your low value that you have to do those things.
Women say they appreciate "nice guys" but in reality, nice guys aren't attractive to alot of women, women prefer the "bad boy" type, someone who is confident, masculine, doesn't have to do "nice things" to make people like them because they don't care if people like them or not, they're confident in who they are, know they have high value and it's other people's losses if they don't like them or want them in their life. That's a very attractive attitude, nice guys don't exude that type of attitude and that's the part that needs to change.
I agree with robx and C-bart on what a Nice Guy is. And, I am a recovering Nice Guy. Now, I don't know how much this particular aspect had to do with my M issues, but I am sure they played a role. And I do not plan to repeat the Nice Guy behavior with my next R - whoever that's with.
Mishka, that does not mean I turn into an a$$. Instead, being a nice guy v. Nice Guy means I am completely comfortable with myself, I know my self worth and worth to others. I do things b/c I want to do them, not b/c I have to so them or in an effort to get my needs met. If a woman does not want to meet my needs just as I am, then I don't need her b/c she doesn't really care for me.
So, recovering from being a Nice Guy does not mean turing into a jerk.
