Question

[awest1217]

I agree with looking good, but the reunion is outside tailgating at the ND game. Fun, but hard to look good. Just figuring to look like normal and have fun. I know if other people look like my step sister, they have gained a lot of weight. I look exactly like I did in highschool besides some tired eyes.

Tonight was good. H doesn't really want to go to the reunion, but would go if I want him to. We talked a lot about R. He talked about what he is reading and I agreed with him a lot and said what he is reading agrees with what I have been reading. The only bad point is when I said how in therapy I got an assignment to write down what I want out of the relationship. H asked a little, and i said I am still thinking about it. I said how we have different ideas about a relationship. I think we should be best friends, not meaning he can't have other friends, but I should be number one and he should be number one for me as well. He does not think that (OW is his best friend). I also said that no OW if he comes home. I said I know he did not want to do that, but everything I have read says if he does not cut her out it would just ruin us. I said if I were to even consider them "being friends", they would both have to apologize and promise to never do it again. It got H thinking and he got really quiet.

The rest of the night we did not talk about R at all. Just about life in general. Things about work and other things going on in the world. Got home and S felt warm, but no fever. H is supposed to finish grades for report cards and try to finish reading one of his books. He said he will decide to come home when he knows what makes him happy. I said how I am scared he will never come home again and feel like he will not ever come home because I have never and may never make him happy. And explained that me feeling that way is being scared and also putting up a wall so if he decides that it hurts less. Not a bad talk tonight or anything, but it bugs me that he can just leave.

I just wish I could go back three weeks and not let him back at all. I was in a much better place then. Now I am back to being confused again.