Frank.... Your D's have to interact with WAW. So maybe you SHOULD interact with her, and show them an example of how to do it successfully, rather than avoiding it! You are setting the example, and they can't follow it. So they are lost.
There isn't any 'example' I could show them. I could talk to WAS every day and it would not have any bearing on how SHE chooses to interact with her daughters. She doesn't talk to me the way she talks to them. She wouldn't dare.
She is not parenting them, she is acting like a teenager and when she's with them she doesn't listen to their needs, but instead tries to tell them what to do. If they rebel she gets emotional and says things like "I don't know why you hate me so much!"
If she's feeling needy or lonely she leans on them. She'll call D18 and want to 'talk' and if D18 is out with her friends and can't talk then WAW will get angry or tell D18 that 'she obviously doesn't care any more since she won't talk to her'. These are actual comments from D18.
D14 says she will come in her room at the condo and want to talk to her while she is in the middle of something and if she doesn't want to talk, WAW will often get upset and start to cry, saying to D14 that she's being unfriendly or other nonsense. These things hurt D14 so she withdraws.
I could go on, but the bottom line is the issues with 'interaction' are issues of emotional pressure. The girls are put under a lot of emotional pressure by their mother to be there when she needs them. When they don't want to she guilts them.
All I can do is provide a 'safe zone' where they know that they won't be subjected to the same emotional pressure when they are with me. I don't 'avoid' her, I just have no reason to deal with her. I could tell her what the girls tell me but that would be a violation of their trust, which I will not do.
She needs therapy. Apparently OM is not adequate as a support person (surprise) so she seems to expect her teenage daughters to take on that role. They don't want to, nor should they have to.
This week has been a real eye opener. With WAW gone and unable to call for a week it's like some burden has been lifted from the girls shoulders. Today at lunch with D18 we had a nice discussion about various things and she said "Dad, it's so nice to talk to to you because you don't get emotional like mom. You have no idea how much pressure she puts on D14 and I when we see her. We have to be carefule what we say so we don't get her upset. She is an emotional wreck"
That's the way it is. They do love her. They respect me.
