Well, I haven't posted for a couple of days, just watching to see what was going to happen. Well, last night she said she had signed the papers to file for a divorce. So, today has been brutal. I thought I was completely prepared for this. Guess not. Although I did not talk to or see W all day, I can't seem to get her out of my mind. Possibly it could be that I haven't slept in 36 hours now or eaten much. Tried to go swim, but that was a bust as well.
When she discussed this with me last night, all she basically said was that even though I felt like our marriage was good, she hasn't felt happy. She could see all of the changes I had made and they were all positive, but too late for her. And the past couple months of her life, (read OM EA maybe PA), had made her happy. So forward she marches to the beat of the "D." At some point do you just finally throw up your hands and say enough trying. It's over? She doesn't want it and it is not comming back?
Going to dinner with a good friend who is also feeling some serious pain today. Hopefully we can cheer each other up a bit.
So now I will have to make some major decisions soon. None today of course. But they are on their way. Do I press the OM issue with the L to make sure there is limited or no alimony? I know there is a quote from PPT out there to act as if Jesus was standing next to you when making a hard decision like this. I am not sure what he would want me to do at this point. I realize I have to have a relationship with W for the rest of my life due to the children. How do you balance the need to keep that civil while also not ruining your own financial future? I did not ask for this. I did not want this. Again, If Jesus was standing next to you, what would you do? Perhaps some of this will begin to iron itself out over the next few weeks.
Please no 2x4s today. Constructive criticism is appreciated, but it has just been too tough of a day.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
FWIW, I didn't start to really DB until I got served D papers and my wife moved out. It wasn't what I wanted either then you realise you got to play the hand you are dealt. You can handle it.
Cheers
ps have one for me tonight.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
- start dating, pump up your self-esteem & confidence, move on, enjoy your life, your wife knew you were still longing for her so you pumped up her ego and at the same time she felt bad for you, thinking in her head "he's a good guy, I just don't feel like that about him anymore because of alot of things"
She has no fear of loss, how could she, you're there always and now you revealed your poker hand to her.
Start dating, if you want to hear more, say so but I'll leave it at that, even I get tired of typing ;-)
Coach and PPT, thanks. Both your comments were what I needed. I will have a couple for you tonight! I am going to make sure my partner in crime at dinenr does NOT have any. We aren't going to mess up his plan. He has worked to hard for that.
The thing is, I still want this marriage. We had a sermon a couple of weeks ago (W should have listend) where we discussed doing the RIGHT thing even when others may think you are absolutely nuts. I am convinced the right thing is to fight for the marriage. My parents think I am nuts. Many of my friends think I am nuts. My in laws probably think I am nuts.
I will be traveling all of next week and can take some time to reread posts and reread DB.
PPT and Coach, if I want to keep trying, what should the next move be? Can I slow this down without going bankrupt with L fees? How can I retract statements to W about going to OMs W without looking weak? Or should I just go dark? What do I do about the info that I have that my attorney now has on OM? I know he won't use it unless I say to, but W knows I have something and she is PI$$sed about it. I think she might want to pull a Bobbitt on me. just kidding on that one.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
say so but I'll leave it at that, even I get tired of typing ;-)
Then it must be freezing down in he.. Wait a minute! That must mean the Saints are going to win the Super Bowl!!!!!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"your wife knew you were still longing for her so you pumped up her ego and at the same time she felt bad for you, thinking in her head "he's a good guy, I just don't feel like that about him anymore because of alot of things"
Rob, this is spot on. In fact she may have even said this last night. You can pull out the 1 x 2's, just not too hard.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
"your wife knew you were still longing for her so you pumped up her ego and at the same time she felt bad for you, thinking in her head "he's a good guy, I just don't feel like that about him anymore because of alot of things"
Rob, this is spot on. In fact she may have even said this last night. You can pull out the 1 x 2's, just not too hard.
I already told you what to do, never mind 1x2's, 2x4's, 2x6's or 2x10's, I'm going to hit with a F!@#$%'ing log pretty soon.
Fear of loss.
I'm not telling you to sleep with any women or get romantically involved but you do have to start putting on your poker face and playing the "game".
Go on dates, start dressing well, no more pursuing, start calling condo's & apartments & leaving your name & number so they can call you back, she will no doubt intercept some phone calls that are meant for you & start taking messages. You will no longer bring up the conversation of the relationship or marriage, you will be civil to her but keep it to a limited friendship, nothing over the top, treat her like an acquaintance.
Unless you show you are moving on, unless you show her that she isn't the only woman for you, she will take your presence in her life for granted.
She is no longer attracted to you and you have to generate that attraction again. Attraction on her part isn't a choice but the things you do at your end to flick those switches in her to re-generate that attraction are your choice.
And like i've only said a bazillion times on this site, it's counter-intuitive, it's the opposite of what you think it would be.
You can stand there like a rock and scream from the mountain top that you're going to stand for your marriage and for what's right but that isn't going to get her attracted to you.
Fear of loss, crisis - these are things that prompt people to move to action, to change, to do something so that they don't lose what they have or better yet, get something they don't have.
She has you, you're conquered, she could have you back at any time and she knows it.
You said it yourself, "Rob this is spot on", umm yeah, you're not the first thread I've responded to on this and I went through the same thing myself and I was like you once, I couldn't ever believe that I could do that, date other women, get a REAL life instead of the fake GAL'ing that most people do around her, I changed and became someone I never knew I could be, I became better, I became a person that didn't need my wife and in doing so she realized this and started pursuing me - and I never believed that would ever happen.
What's happening to you isn't fair, but life isn't fair. You want to be equal, go to McDonald's, they'll give you the same big mac, fries & diet coke that they give everyone.
If you want better for yourself, you have to man up and make it happen, nobody is going to give you anything and if you can get that concept into your brain, you know that action on your part requires massive changes and a mindset shift that you currently can't comprehend.
It's not that any of this is impossible, you are totally capable of the changes required, the only thing holding you back is the fact that you have to choose to want to do this for you.
So when are you going to choose to have the life you want to have and when are you going to stop complaining & feeling bad for yourself about the life you currently have?
if you are going to press the OM issue, press it with the OM's wife; if you are getting divorced because of her husband, shouldnt she know?
if you are trying to stall this divorce, start agreeing with your wife. take on the mantra, "your right. this isnt working out. i have realized i have not been happy in a long long time. i love you but you dont meet my needs." isnt all of that true, anyhow? so project it.
as i said a couple pages back, take the next 30 - 45 days to life live as if you are single. you are being cheated on so why sit around waiting for her to make the decisions effecting the rest of your life. start to re-evaluate your hobbys and interests. take on some new ones that do not involve your wife in any way. go out and practice flirting and being seductive. and most of all drop all relationship talk with the wife. let her bring it up and when she does just agree with her, "your right. this isnt working out. i love you but i am not in love with you anymore. i dont think i can get those feelings back, again." and leave it at that.
do you notice how she always is that opposite of what you are. you pressure she pulls away. you want to talk relationship she responds with I'm done. you want to ML she dont, you go to bed she gets mad. you dont talk to her and she wants to know why. LOL.
mimic what she has been doing to you and she will do the opposite just to push your buttons. this is something that has probably going on your your marriage for years. just now that the excitement of another man if affecting her judgement she is threathening divorce.
