What enforceable boundaries are you setting with H?
What changes in YOUR behavior are working?
I think the boundaries I have set so far; 1) I'm not allowing H to discuss OW with me. 2) I am not willing to meet OW. 3) It is not ok for OW to come to our home. 4) H to go into his room or outside/in garage when talking to OW. 5) If that was OW's car or had been OW's car I will stay as far away from it as possible and not go anywhere with H in it.
Changes in my behavior that are working; I finished reading love languages the other night. Based on my best guess I would say that H's primary LL is Physical Touch, with secondary LL almost tied with primary as Words of Affirmation. My primary LL is Quality Time, with my secondary as Physical Touch. I started thinking about what it is that I might be doing differently from my end that is contributing towards his willingness to speak to me in my LL, QT, so much now. Hmmm, I must be finally speaking to him in one of his LL's. Since there is no PT between us right now, (save for most recently the two hugs that he initiated at the end of two heavy discussions two weekends ago) it must be WoA. I have been showing appreciation to him verbally and through my actions in cooking/cleaning/other small things (which I know is technically Acts of Service, but for him I think it translates more into WoA through the message it conveys of not hating him and begrudging him by not doing those things, which I would have done in the past.) I have complimented him on his appearance. I have shown geninune interest during his conversations, validating and agreeing with his points of view and emotions on certain things. I have not complained about anything he is doing or isn't doing and have thanked him for his AoS around the house. I have asked for his opinion and have tried to show that I value his advice and/or help when he has offered it.
Outside of LL, strictly for myself; I have grown to think more positively about myself everyday. Learning more about my strengths and placing a high worth and value upon myself. Carrying myself with a different air of a happy, sexy, smart, young, fun, sophisticated sense of self. Doing things for myself that make me happy and feel good - gym routine, losing weight, reading helpful self-improvement materials, tanning, getting out and doing fun things with friends, making new friends, and being optimistic and excited about my future.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Yesterday - H called me twice around lunchtime and I didn't answer his calls. I was at work and wasn't able to. I sent him a text "Can't talk - u need something?" He sent text back "I borrowed (co-workers) beamer. Forgot house keys at work. Wondering if you are coming home for lunch now." AFG text back "No - sorry, not for a while". H text "No prob. My mistake." In the past he would have been quite irritated doing something like that, not at me, but at the situation and wouldn't have said something like that. Also, he knows it is very rare that I would be home for lunch that early, so kinda puzzled me.
Home from work later - I decide to set up like I am going out for evening. H's normal routine is to come and get ready and be gone on Thursday night through Sunday night. I didn't make dinner and in my room I had my pedicure/manicure stuff all set out. Also, I have a little wall hanger where I had hung the lingerie to dry before putting away. I left my door open a little ways and went in my bathroom with door closed to take a shower and get ready. Just before getting in shower, heard kitchen garage door close so I knew H was home. Then H knocks on my bathroom door. I say I'm not dressed he'll have to give me a minute. H decides to just talk through the door "Just wanted to tell you that you missed out earlier today, I was going to take you for a ride in (co-workers) car." And then tells me about his keys mishap and daily work stuff. What's so funny about this all is that directly outside of my bathroom door is the wall hanger where the lingerie was hanging, so I'm sure he was probably staring at it the whole time. Lol! I just obliged his conversation and then started the shower water and he quit talking and left.
Before I came out of my bedroom H had taken his shower and packed and left. Was happy to have house to myself for evening as a "breather" which I've come to enjoy. Around 9:30 I get another picture text from H of H holding his bro's new kitten. Just replied about hour and half later "Awww - she's such a little sweetie".
Then for some reason, I got a feeling, and I had had it pretty much all evening, that H might come home last night. Don't know why I had it, but I did. Even in spite of H's overnight stuff being gone indicating his normal routine of staying elsewhere. Sure enough, close to midnight just as I was about to go to bed I heard the kitchen garage door and H come in and talking on his phone. I gently closed my door and went to bed and then heard H close his bedroom door. Hmmmm?
This morning - H knocks on my door before leaving for work. Shows me another picture on his phone of his bro's kitten. Then tells me as I was making quick breakfast for myself in kitchen "So glad to have my truck back. I was over having to drive that other car."
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Funny, that's what I was thinking too, but wasn't sure if I was just reading into it or perceiving things correctly?!? Wondering if he is getting close to trying to initate something with me? And IF (big IF) he were to, how am I going to respond? What am I going to do?
Physically - my body is prepped/ready/rearing to go, like a wild stallion pinned at the gate. And emotionally/mentally, I did fine last time with going right back to how things were/have been between us after his "break-down" day.
But that was also before I knew and had seen as much as I have now. I think I'm ready to play it off and not give in at this point. I have always given in and caved way to easily in my past. If I keep reminded myself of my imaginary lover and being unfaithful to "him" (which is really myself, lol) I think I could stand strong.
Plus, Sunday is/would be our 12th wedding anniversary. So, I'm anticipating a normal weekend of H being gone and me doing my own thing.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Ok - so only other thing that happened yesterday was around 6:30pm my phone rang and H came up on the caller ID. The call hung up fast though, I never answered and no voicemail was left and no other calls or texts from H. Maybe he just misdialed or who knows???
I went out last night and was home around 11pm. H looked like he had already been there and packed and left earlier in the day so I never saw him last night, he never came home, as usual.
Today - Been having that feeling all day that he might just "pop up". I have been home all day but dressed with make up and smelling good. Just have had some personal projects along with job searching to get done.
Sure enough, about 30 minutes ago, H comes in kitchen/garage door. Comes to my room, my door was completely open. Starts closing my door and says "Um, just hang tight for a minute." I looked at him puzzled and said "Ok?" H with nervous and smirky expression and voice - "Just hang tight. I have a friend with me. I'm just grabbing my surfboard." AFG - Smiling but still not knowing what exactly to say or do, just said "Okay." with a mixed look and tone of inquisitive/suspicion/apathy/puzzled and nervous smiley/smirkiness.
For the next 10 minutes, I didn't hear his or anyone else's voice out in the house and then finally heard the kitchen/garage door close.
Then about 15 minutes ago, I get two picture text messages from H. More of H's bro's new kitten, first one with "How cute is THAT!", second one with "This one's better."
WTF?????!!!!!!!!!
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
I'm thinking/guessing he just sent those texts to give me kind of like an "all clear" maybe? Or to try and smooth things over with me quickly? Or who the heck freaking knows???
Is there any point in trying to ask H about the identity of the "friend"? Only because if it was OW, that was a clear boundary violation. And not that he would be honest with me anyways.
I think I would start conversation with - About the other day when you said there was a friend with you. I am just curious as to why you had to close my door if it was just a "friend" who was with you?
Or is he just trying to mess with my head more now because of my pulling back and head-messing with him over the last week or so?
I am utterly confused right now and am not going to read into anymore of this any further. It will all be let go. But I just needed to get it out so it doesn't consume the rest of my weekend.
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 10/24/0909:16 PM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
H came home again around 6:30 and my door was wide open. I heard him in kitchen getting some of his protein supplements and then leave. Never came in my room and I didn't go out there to the kitchen. Then he left.
I went out with friends to a local festival and got way too drunk. Feeling like I want to drunk dial him and say "Who the F--- was with you today?" Know that I can't and I wioll stop myself from doing it, but old me would have and it's still so tempting, especially in the condition I am in right now.
I just want to cry and curl up in a ball right now. Why do I have to feel so lonely and unwanted? Why is he f---ing someone else on what shouuld have been our 12th annivesary? I feel like I hate him and everything right now...
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 10/25/0904:32 AM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
