W has been very emotional/irritable all week for some reason. She has also been more withdrawn at the same time.
She is going out of town for a couple nights to a wedding with my ILs this weekend, and I think that is bugging her. She generally doesn't like being around my ILs these days because she feels guilty I think. She even told me "I don't want to go - I HATE weddings!" This is the first time I have heard in the 26 years we have been together that she hates weddings.
Most of the time I don't initiate contact with her when I am not with her via phone/text, but I do on occasion for logistical purposes but she NEVER replies any more. She even confirmed this 'policy' in front of our children the other day ("I NEVER respond to your text messages"). Later I told her that this looked very bad in the eyes of the kids since we would NEVER want them to ignore our text messages/calls, and her stating this in front of them makes it seem OK.
I have a dilemma - I have access to her phone records but she doesn't know. I wasn't planning on telling her unless she moved out possibly, since I am just monitoring to see what I am dealing with. I see interaciton with OM about once a week. It is usually text msgs and earlier this week he called her for a few minutes. She has used another phone in the past but swears that she doesn't have it anymore (not sure I believe her but not much else I Can do). I obviously believe that there is more contact than what I am seeing. I feel like confronting her about it (again) but it would mean revealing that I have access, and she will take steps to fix that. I am kind of stuck I feel, and I guess for now I will stay in this holding pattern to watch for things to escalate.
I can't control her actions at the end of the day I Realize, and she already knows my boundaries. She already views herself as seaparated in spirit, but just not on paper for the most part. Her lack of communication with me, even about the kids, illustrates her position pretty well.
Our kids are sad - I can see it in their faces and I feel bad. Her answer is that we need to be apart to IMPROVE their lives. I try not to argue about much, but did say the best way to improve their lives would be to work on the M but she says it is "too late" (as usual, script - especially when OM is lurking).
While she still is there living with us, her attitude has gotten darker and she now talks about leaving after the 1st of the year, but that I need to pay her to help her move out because it is the LAW!!! I have told her I won't pay for anything unless it is part of a divorce agreement where support terms are defined as part of the filing. I will not agree to pay her under terms of a 'separation agreement' because both parties have to consent to that and I won't. If she wants to leave without taking steps towards filing for D she needs to step up and pay for it (she can afford it if she works more, and she has more money).
Other than that, I have been pretty unemotional when we discuss these things but she is very emotional. I really think she is heading for some sort of crisis or breakdown.
Our 20th anniversary is next week. I don't plan on mentioning it at all and will treat it as just another day as far as my interaction with W and kids, but I will spend some time at the church we were married at and light a candle and give thanks for the good things the M has brought to my life and our childrens' lives. At the same time I am giving the 'outcome' to God, although I feel like it is already over for the most part - I am just not going to be the one to take action to legally end it since ultimately it isn't what I want, but I don't want a M to my W as she is today either!
Not sure where that leaves me, except waiting for some sort of miracle I guess...
Last edited by tryingtilDorR; 10/23/0908:49 PM.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
