She's expressed to you that she feels that you put your career first over her and the kids. How long did she feel that way? Does she still feel that way? Did she hold all of her feelings in untill the bomb?
I don't think you need to tell her to get a job or get out or anything like that. You should move in the direction that you want to go in and if she gets it fine if not fine to.
Bring home a business card for a realtor and leave it by your stuff. Have bank information there from a totally different bank. Be transparent, she can't stop you. Let her see you let go.
The one question you need to ask yourself is have you given her what she has asked for the last 8 months. If you have and she doesn't recognize it she has already made her decision.
Allow yourself to grieve over this. It's out of your control. Let her face this choice and act as if she is right.
What SHE needs to do is no longer your problem. What does the barber say "Next".
I didn't want to see my dad die when I was 15. But I didn't have a choice. What choice do you have?
JJ
JTJ, she expressed that she did not think, through my actions over the years, that I was looking out for her and the children's interests. Not tied to my career. I work avg. hours for an attorney - not late ones. I put the kids on the bus in the am, and I'm home by around 6;00 - 6:30 each night.
And, last night is the FIRST time I heard that little tidbit. And, yes, she held her feelings in until the bomb. I quite literally, had no idea the bomb was coming - pretty typical LBS.
I am still weighing my options/plan. I do think she needs to be a big girl, put on the big girl girl panties and face reality. In a way, I have shielded her from reality by my DB'ing. Wouldn't do that differently - just a fact.
For the weekend, my plan is to pull way back. Not rudeness, but I will not initiate conversations. I will answer questions, provided she needs to know the answer. I will meet a friend out tonight for dinner rather than be at home like I always am on a Friday night.
I believe I have given her what I perceived she needed the last 6 months. Remember, she has no specific explanation of GIMA did this or that, and I don't like this or that. I fixed the things I knew needed repair. Now, if a mother of two, with no job, a house she can neither afford nor sell, refuses to work on a M with her H of nearly 13 years (will NOT go to MC cuz she's "done"), who has never cheated on her, who has quit drinking, is very involved with his children, who is home almost every night, who does nice things for her, who provides a steady income, and who has had a PMA for the last 6 months of the most difficult challenge of his life, then I cannot (nor can anyone else) "win" her back, whatever that means. And damm!t, I'm tired of trying.
Bit of a rant, but it's how I feel right now.
She has to face the reality of what will be. I will NOT save her from that. She is free to make a choice. But each choice has those little burdensome consequences with it.
It's interesting you mention seeing you dad die. My dad passed away on our anniversary, which is Monday. I wonder what he would think of all this?
who has never cheated on her, who has quit drinking, is very involved with his children, who is home almost every night, who does nice things for her, who provides a steady income, and who has had a PMA for the last 6 months of the most difficult challenge of his life, then I cannot (nor can anyone else) "win" her back, whatever that means. And damm!t, I'm tired of trying.
I swear I'm going to just adopt you into my family or something! I frankly don't know any men that do even half of those things for their wives and with their children. She has no idea what she is giving up.
You said she doesn't work, does a little consulting, and manages to bring in $2,000 a month? I work a full time and a part time job and barely make that! What the heck does she do?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
who has never cheated on her, who has quit drinking, is very involved with his children, who is home almost every night, who does nice things for her, who provides a steady income, and who has had a PMA for the last 6 months of the most difficult challenge of his life, then I cannot (nor can anyone else) "win" her back, whatever that means. And damm!t, I'm tired of trying.
I swear I'm going to just adopt you into my family or something! I frankly don't know any men that do even half of those things for their wives and with their children. She has no idea what she is giving up.
You said she doesn't work, does a little consulting, and manages to bring in $2,000 a month? I work a full time and a part time job and barely make that! What the heck does she do?
But those are all "nice guy" traits and although they're important, they aren't going to flick those attraction switches and that part isn't up to me, attraction isn't a choice and if the rule was that nice guys attracted the hottest women then you would be the prize. Women are attracted to the "bad guys", the ones that aren't tamed, that chart their own course, that are confident, don't care about other people's opinions, it's extremely masculine and that's what women want, masculinity. Alot of guys start off that way, very masculine, family life changes them, they become these responsible, mature, parent, spouse provider types and all these women they're with start having MLC's and start pursuing affairs with other men. They miss the masculinity and the excitement and feel they're being killed slowly by the boredom.
do you think she is projecting a little. You don't care versus. I don't care enough about me. How have you supported her care taking in the past. Does she Ned you to stand up for her because she can't. How well does she take care of herself? I think you need to take the kids and go away for a long weekend. No contact.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
[quote=mishka422][quote]who has never cheated on her, who has quit drinking, is very involved with his children, who is home almost every night, who does nice things for her, who provides a steady income, and who has had a PMA for the last 6 months of the most difficult challenge of his life, then I cannot (nor can anyone else) "win" her back, whatever that means. And damm!t, I'm tired of trying.
Greek had great advise. And the comments about "W in the Fog" are pretty dead on. I am in a similar spot as you. I didnt believe my W or any WAS could ever see through their fog but here is an example that just hit home for me today.
Friends are going through D and it has turned ugly. Husband retaining a top lawyer in D field. His W thought mediation was the path that was going to be traveled. (here is the fog lifting) My W saw what was happening in their "D". Called me out of the blue to talk about what was happening there. Wanted to make sure I wasnt going to through down the same way. Wants us to go to mediation when we have the money to do so. Only wants the best for me etc etc.
Protect yourself and you can still be the honorable man you are. I have read your sitch since I got on this board. I am sorry for where you are and wish you the best.
But those are all "nice guy" traits and although they're important, they aren't going to flick those attraction switches and that part isn't up to me, attraction isn't a choice and if the rule was that nice guys attracted the hottest women then you would be the prize. Women are attracted to the "bad guys", the ones that aren't tamed, that chart their own course, that are confident, don't care about other people's opinions, it's extremely masculine and that's what women want, masculinity. Alot of guys start off that way, very masculine, family life changes them, they become these responsible, mature, parent, spouse provider types and all these women they're with start having MLC's and start pursuing affairs with other men. They miss the masculinity and the excitement and feel they're being killed slowly by the boredom.
You've been dead-on lately Robx. I've been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and am appalled at the mirror being held up to my face in its pages. It's a tough one.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
What I'm learning is that there is nothing the LBS spouse can do to lift the fog. It has to happen on its own and in many cases it doesn't happen until after the D.
That's likely what will happen to me. It took me five months to get it. In a way we live in our own fog. Mine is finally lifting.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Nicely put! Yes, I think that's why DB'ing advises patience and says that "time is our friend".
I have seen this phenomenon time and time again in the clinic where I work with patients who have a specific chronic health problem. Patients need to be ready to engage in their treatment or it has a reduced chance at succeeding.
Sometimes it takes a long time for the walk-away to see the situation through different eyes.
