My wife of 14 years is involved in an EA with a high school sweetheart from 20 years ago who lives 500 miles away. She hasn't seen this guy since they broke up but has been talking & texting for about 4 months. She is now trying to decide which of us she is going to go with. We have 2 children (12 & 7) who know nothing of it. She is feeling pressured to make a decision (not by me). I can't get her to stop contacting him. I just learned of this site and the DR book today. I have it but I am afraid I am running out of time. Anyone have any advice as to how I can get something going fast to save my family? Thanks!
She is now trying to decide which of us she is going to go with.
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She is feeling pressured to make a decision (not by me).
This OM is acting all clingy and needy. You will help her decide by deciding for her - this is strong, confident and attractive. Take control and lead.
"Wife, I understand you are having trouble deciding about who to choose as your man. I have decided that I won't share my wife with another man. So if you don't stop contact with him immediately then I will move your belongings into the garage and you have until _______ to be out of the house."
That's your position, she can wail and cry all she wants. You took back control because you won't be victimised by her bad behavior.
So her choices are a needy, clingy, slimy OM. Or a strong, confident and honorable man who took a stand for his family. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But you CAN, ABSOLUTELY let her know what YOU are willing to put up with in a marriage, and what you're NOT willing to put up with. That's a "boundary."
I wish it could be so easy. She has been seeing a MC for a month now trying to work out her feelings. Other guy even has his kids calling her. She is checking out how divorce would affect our children and how quickly she can take them and leave me for him. MC is telling her not to make fast decision without completely thinking it through. If there is a chance she will come back around to me, I want to take it. She's not one to take ultimatums well, she'll bolt immediately.
I'm still reeling from this happening at all. We have been so happy, so good for each other, until this guy came on the scene. She says there is no way she can give up having contact with him.
It is. You just have to decide that you aren't going to be a doormat anymore.
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She's not one to take ultimatums well, she'll bolt immediately.
It's not a ultimatum. It's boundary - how you let someone else treat you. Don't be a fortune teller, you don't know what she might do.
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She says there is no way she can give up having contact with him.
She has no reason to, you allow it. She's walking all over you. What would your wife tell you if the situation was reversed?
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She is checking out how divorce would affect our children and how quickly she can take them and leave me for him.
While you watch and wring your hands.
Is what you are doing working?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are right. I have done little actual work for the last 4 weeks, completely stressed over this, staring a hole in the screen, not wanting to make the wrong moves or anything to push her out. I have worshipped this woman for 17 years and I know she is making a big mistake, but she just can't see it. Claims the other guy and his kids need her too. He's a big liar and I have proven that to her, but she doesn't flinch.
I have asked her about if the shoe was on other foot (she was married once before me to an abusive cheater), and she says due to that relationship, she would have kicked me out the day she found out. With kids involved... I don't want to look like the one that made her leave in their eyes. I feel like she is looking for that to dump on me and so far she can't. I want to maintain some stability for their sake. She claims she is taking them when she goes, but not if I can stop it.
Its not that I can't stand up to her, I have many many times, but this is playing with fire here and a lot is on the line. The MC lead me to this site and the DR book but warned me there are no clear and easy answers to this. She advised me to continue doing as I have been.
I tried to let it go and did not see any results until I took a firm stand, stated and enforced boundaries.
As a woman I think it's even more important for men to be strong and confident. When my BF decided he wanted to come back home I was listening to his pathetic sounding messages and comparing them to the confident assured messages from other men. Believe me, pathetic is SO not attractive.
Be the strong, confident man who demands respect -- that's the better man.
Listen to Coach and Puppy, they are right on the money.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 10/23/0908:51 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
she says due to that relationship, she would have kicked me out the day she found out.
that's exactly how she wants to be treated too. She's abusing you now and she knows it. - how is your self-esteem right now?
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I don't want to look like the one that made her leave in their eyes.
Let's see Mom up and leaves and shacks up with OM and his kids. You think your kids will think it was you who abandoned the family?
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She claims she is taking them when she goes, but not if I can stop it.
She will because you aren't standing in the way. She knows you care about her feelings. She's depending on you keeping the status quo. This is called a 180 here.
How attractive does it make you look when she threatens to leave you and take your kids to live with another man and you do nothing to fight for her?
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Claims the other guy and his kids need her too
this is a turn-off, the guy who needs her the least will attract her. I am not advocating being a jerk but set your boundaries. Lovingly detach. Who needs this drama, you got other things to do besides chase a irrational woman. Stop chasing and the dynamic will change.
This is counter-intuitive and hard. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
