Question

[awest1217]

Good and bad this morning. H called to see if my new phone was working, it still is not receiving calls but the guy said it could take up to 48 hours to work. It was a rough morning with S because once again he would not sleep last night, and on top of that with us being out later I didn't get to do my normal things like take a shower so I had to do it this morning, and I had to get everything ready so S could go to my mom's so I can go to my counseling session. H asked what was wrong and I told him how I was not sleeping much again and how S was not sleeping well. He wants to say it is because S has another ear infection which he might, but I know it is because he misses daddy and is worried I will leave too, but can't express it. I listened which I am proud of, and even expressed how when he came home I complained because I never left the house on time. Last night I had a revelation that I was late because I was sleeping better because I did not have to be aware of everything to protect S because H was there to help. I told H and said it was a compliment because even with us not getting along well I still feel safer when he is there and able to sleep better. He told me about the books he is reading about decision making and I said I agree with everything and the books I am reading go along because he doesn't like making decisions because his parents always told him his decisions were wrong, then I came along and started to do the same thing. That is the controlling part I am working on. I need to listen more and talk less, but it was good to hear how he is enjoying learning how to deal with himself. He even said he would call sometime today or tomorrow (depending on time) to set up an appointment with a counselor. Then he said how he can't find DR in any of the bookstores here so he is going to check it out at the library like I did. I said ok I can give you the call number. He said no thanks I can find it myself, but I insisted.

Then I broke down crying because he said I was not helping him make decisions (I wasn't) by not letting him take care of his own problems. I do always flly in and fix everything because I want him to not hurt, but that ultimately hurts him. It bugged me and because of the morning I started to cry and said how I needed to get off the phone, which was good, but I didn't, which was bad. I said how I was upset because I feel like I am being punished, and how I want him to go to my class reunion and how I wanted to plan a weekend next weekend for all of us to go somewhere, but now he is not here and I have nothing to do because my brother was a brat so I can't go to TN. I said then I was sorry for breaking down. We both said have a good day and hung up. A few minutes later I text him to say i was sorry for the outburst, which I am, and that I am working on the controlling part, but it takes practice to get used to doing, and right now I am just realizing as soon as I do it which is a start, but next I will need to stop myself before I do it. He text back and said he wasn't upset and I shouldn't be sorry because I did nothing wrong. He said he is trying to get home asap.

I guess I just might have a success story after all, but no guarantees yet. I still need to keep working on me and hopefully he will be home to stay soon.

[ClingingToHope]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Keep going. Things are looking better for you.

[awest1217]

So today I am feeling really angry. I am mad that H left again. Mad that I still feel like I am the one who is doing everything. Mad that I trusted him in the first place to come home and stay. Mad that I am trusting that he really is working on himself and wants to get back together. Mad that I have to take care of S once again by myself. Mad that I am taking out my frustration on S (just not being as patient with him as I should be because I know this is bugging him too). Mad that I don't get to sleep because H needs more time. Mad that my in-laws ever wrote the letter to H in May. Mad that I will probably be going to my class reunion by myself. Mad that all my plans for my long weekend next weekend have fallen through and now I am stuck at home with nothing to do. Mad that I am lying to everyone that H is still home so that when he chooses to come back he won't have to deal with everyone being even more mad and resistant. Mad that my world has been turned upside down again. Mad that he gets to go to games and have fun while I am stuck at home. Mad that I can't do anything because I have no money, although H did give me a $500 check before he left this time. Just mad, mad, mad.

I am sure I am just going through all the stages of grief again, but I needed to vent here so I don't to H. I know that I am entitled to those feelings, but I know I will not get to my goal if I tell them to H. We will just go farther back. I will have my chance to express those feelings one day, but today is not it. One day when the hurt is subsiding he will actually find out what all I have gone through, but right now it will not help me reach my goal.

I am really tired again today and tonight we will go to my in-laws for our weekly pizza. They also got a pumpkin for H to carve. It is nice because I get to relax somewhat because my in-laws especially brother-in-law, will take care of S. I am planning on telling H how important it is to me for him to come to my reunion, and see how that goes. I am worried I am setting myself up for another let down, but I can't get mad if I don't ask.

[ClingingToHope]

Anything in particular trigger the mad meltdown?

[Lucky11too]

I completely hear you. I was feeliing that way this morning cause once again H was out partying last night while I am home taking care of our S. Not that I necessarily want to be out partying, but still, not fair. Actually, what made me feel stronger was your response to me - about how somewhere behind all these hurtful actions are the men we love (and I thik this extends beyond just depression) and it's worth the fight. No it's not fair that they are putting us thru this and that they don't and may never truely understand how much this has affected us, but I've just come to the realization this monrning, that no matter what, at the end of the day, I can live with and be happy with myself by knowing that I have tried everything possible to save my family. (and hopes that he has to live with the guilt that he hasn't - ok the last part was a little vengeful, but still... haha).

So just stay strong. I know you are upset about having that breakdown with him, but just keep on going. I think that having one more discussion about your reunion would be good, but if he still resists, I think you should just let it go. That's one thing I struggle with - I just want to keep pushing the issue, but of course, that never ends well.

Enjoy the pizza tonight (& little rest from S. Little boys sure are busy, huh?! Oh, but so full of love! =D )

[ClingingToHope]

One thing about reunions, the 10 year isn't that big of a deal. If you don't feel comfortable going alone skip it.

[awest1217]

Thanks Clinging and Lucky. I got mad just becuase i was frustrated with once again getting S ready on my own. He was fussy and didn't want to get dressed, and didn't really talk to H yesterday so I just was mad and had to put it down somewhere. I am much better now after venting. No pizza tonight because inlaws have other plans so H, S and I are going out to eat. H said he will go to the reunion, but doesn't sound excited about it. I don't want to say then just don't come because I want him there, but I don't want him to resent me either. I don't mind going alone to the reunion that was actually my plan before he came back for two weeks, but the problems is my step sister will be there because we are the same age and my whole family thinks he is still home so that will cause a problem. Either way looking forward to tonight and tomorrow.

[ClingingToHope]

The reunion, if you guys make it, should be good. Make sure you look smoking hot and he'll notice others noticing you.

The step sister likely will know by the reunion if he hasn't come back.

Have a good weekend. I'll be passing through Indiana Sunday. Traveling from Rockford, Ill., to Cincinnati for the Bears-Bengals game. I'll be thinking about you.

[awest1217]

I agree with looking good, but the reunion is outside tailgating at the ND game. Fun, but hard to look good. Just figuring to look like normal and have fun. I know if other people look like my step sister, they have gained a lot of weight. I look exactly like I did in highschool besides some tired eyes.

Tonight was good. H doesn't really want to go to the reunion, but would go if I want him to. We talked a lot about R. He talked about what he is reading and I agreed with him a lot and said what he is reading agrees with what I have been reading. The only bad point is when I said how in therapy I got an assignment to write down what I want out of the relationship. H asked a little, and i said I am still thinking about it. I said how we have different ideas about a relationship. I think we should be best friends, not meaning he can't have other friends, but I should be number one and he should be number one for me as well. He does not think that (OW is his best friend). I also said that no OW if he comes home. I said I know he did not want to do that, but everything I have read says if he does not cut her out it would just ruin us. I said if I were to even consider them "being friends", they would both have to apologize and promise to never do it again. It got H thinking and he got really quiet.

The rest of the night we did not talk about R at all. Just about life in general. Things about work and other things going on in the world. Got home and S felt warm, but no fever. H is supposed to finish grades for report cards and try to finish reading one of his books. He said he will decide to come home when he knows what makes him happy. I said how I am scared he will never come home again and feel like he will not ever come home because I have never and may never make him happy. And explained that me feeling that way is being scared and also putting up a wall so if he decides that it hurts less. Not a bad talk tonight or anything, but it bugs me that he can just leave.

I just wish I could go back three weeks and not let him back at all. I was in a much better place then. Now I am back to being confused again.

[ClingingToHope]

I just wish I could go back three weeks and not let him back at all. I was in a much better place then. Now I am back to being confused again.

I think this all sounded good, especially the boundaries on the OW. You are making tremendous progress.