I know I need to coach her on what to do if it happens again, but now is not the time for that.
when the time is right, say to her:
"I just wanted to thank you for being so open and honest with me the other day when you told me about OM contacting you. Not only do I appreciate you keeping your promise of transparency, I know it wasn't easy for you to be able to tell me that it pains you to see him hurting. I gotta be honest, that's VERY hard for me to hear, and as we talked about it is a consequence to the choices and decisions he made, but I really just wanted to thank you."
(then let her talk)
then, "You know, every time you have contact with him -- even if he initiates it, and even if it's negative -- it's just going to make it that much more difficult for you to move on, emotionally. He needs to respect your request that 'no contact means no contact.' More importantly, I need to be able to feel safe in the marriage, considering all that's happened. Although I appreciate you telling me, I'm not going to be able to build trust with you if he keeps contacting you."
(notice, NO MR. FIX-IT, MARTIAN SOLUTIONS YET) -- (let her talk)
Maybe she'll have a solution.
If she doesn't, let it lie for now. There will be another day (and she may even approach you) to suggest another plank in your transparency shield.
