It is disappointing that when W dropped the bomb she said she would give the M 6 months to see if things improved. You DB'ed your heart out and she didn't/couldn't acknowledge the changes. There's got to be some reason she wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge your changes. The reasons that come to my mind are: OM, mental health problems, lack of concern because she knows her parents will support her (if the latter was the case, wouldn't she have left before now?). The changes to the dynamic that you are considering (i.e. separate checking accounts, asking W to move out) may give you more insight into what is causing her to be so rigid in her thinking.
These changes may be what she needs to wake up. Of course, as always, you are doing what you need to do to be healthy and you will proceed in a thoughtful, rather than destructive, manner.
It will be interesting to see if she already has her contingency plan set up.....That should give you a sense for how well-planned her exit is.
GAG
What she actually said was she would give me "time" but "wouldn't wait 6 months. Then did. Amd I think had I not brought it up last night, another 6 months of wasted effort would have rolled by.
On the reasons why. I just don't know, but strongly suspect it is a downturn in my income (still do ok), mixed in with some FOO issues and some unakcledged depression (here g'mother had significant depression issues). Oh, and ealry menopause.
Anything is possible, but I simply don't think it's an OM. I have looked for evidence and watched VERY carefully - there just is NO evidence. Also, if there were an OM waiting in the wings, I doubt she would wait around for me to bring up a talk like last night. More likely that she would be full steam ahead with D, and quickly. I may be eating my words later, but I just don't think OM is involved.
I doubt she has thought through a contingency plan b/c I suspect her plan all along has been GIMA will roll over and do whatever I ask b/c (a) he is a "Nice Guy" (not since DB'ing started) and (b) he will want to be a friendly "Co-Parent" (I HATE that term - I'm their FATHER - and, uh, I have friends, I want a W).
I am making plans for me over this weekend. When I implement them, not sure just yet. But this needs to get a whole lot "realer" for her before I think there will be any chance she might come out of the fog. But, that's not while I am making the plan. The plan is for ME and to allow me to take care of my children long term. If she doesn't want part of that, that's her loss.
