Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Well, the thought has definitely crossed my mind. I just wonder why he would be offering me back rubs and wanting to sleep in my bed if there was another woman? I dunno. The thought originally crossed my mind the week it happened. The whole week we had a wonderful time. We were getting along great. One day we put the boys in our daycare and had the day to ourselves without kids which was perfect! And he dropped the bomb 3 days later, completely out of nowwhere! That's the only reason why I though "maybe" somebody has triggered his interest...how do you tell? And even worse how do you find out? I could never ask him, he would be outraged at me! He informed me today that he is taking the kids back to his sisters tonight and staying there the rest of the time he has with them. So I accepted it instead of resisted. The boys didn't just have tummy ache's. My youngest had a viral pnemonia and they are testing for H1N1, so they want him to be quarantined for 7 days, which isn't until Sunday. That's why I was so concerned they stay home. Especially because his sister has two children under 2 yrs old. That's the last thing I need is for them to get sick too. I understand the control issues that Rob is talking about. I see that I probably went about that all wrong. I just really wanted a repeat of the night before! I wanted to have some good conversation. And make him feel relaxed in the house WITH me. But it didn't work. He's not mad anymore. I actually cancelled my lunch plans today so he could go play noon hour hockey because I feel so bad for what I did last night. Its not working. Nothing is working. I hate him being here because it feels so good to have him in our home with our boys, just to know as soon as he gets back this afternoon and packs up the bags and takes the kids I'm going to be devastated. I really suck at this whole situation. I truly believe he isn't coming home and I don't know how to get to the acceptance part of my grief. I desperately want to get there. But it feels impossible right now. My husband is a very stubborn person. And even if he was having a small feeling of wanting to come home, he would never admit it. He has too much pride. And would never admit he made a mistake. So acceptance. That's where I'm at I think. I know its only been 3 weeks, but how do you know when to accept and move on. I feel like I should be there right now. ??

[TrentC]

Well, the thought has definitely crossed my mind. I just wonder why he would be offering me back rubs and wanting to sleep in my bed if there was another woman? I dunno.

Because it's not always that cut and dried. Maybe the relationship with the (hypothetical) OW is emotional only? Maybe she's a co-worker? Maybe he's trying to throw you off of the trail by being loving to you? Maybe he wants to eat his cake and have it too?

And he dropped the bomb 3 days later, completely out of nowwhere!

That's usually not the case; there usually have been some kind of warning signs or attempts to reach out beforehand. (Don't worry, I'm guilty of the "out of nowhere" feelings as well.)

That's the only reason why I though "maybe" somebody has triggered his interest...how do you tell? And even worse how do you find out? I could never ask him, he would be outraged at me!

In my case, I had suspicions that led me to snoop on her phone. Once I found the incriminating text msgs, finding other evidence was pretty easy.

I'm not suggesting that you snoop, because you have to be emotionally ready for whatever you may find. (I was not.) It could be as simple as sweet nothings via email or text msgs, or it could be a blow-by-blow of their last sexual encounter. I don't think you can handle finding the latter.

He informed me today that he is taking the kids back to his sisters tonight and staying there the rest of the time he has with them. So I accepted it instead of resisted.

Good. This will give you some time and space to work on 180's and getting a life.

The boys didn't just have tummy ache's. My youngest had a viral pnemonia and they are testing for H1N1, so they want him to be quarantined for 7 days, which isn't until Sunday. That's why I was so concerned they stay home. Especially because his sister has two children under 2 yrs old. That's the last thing I need is for them to get sick too.

So wait -- is your husband talking about moving one of the boys against medical advice? That is something to be concerned about, especially if he's potentially exposing his sister's kids to some nasty bug!

I understand the control issues that Rob is talking about. I see that I probably went about that all wrong. I just really wanted a repeat of the night before! I wanted to have some good conversation. And make him feel relaxed in the house WITH me. But it didn't work.

No, because it relies on something that you can't control: your husband.

I really suck at this whole situation. I truly believe he isn't coming home and I don't know how to get to the acceptance part of my grief. I desperately want to get there. But it feels impossible right now.

OK, first off, you're nowhere near there yet. This has been less than a month for you; I'm working on close to two months and am just now getting the basics of what I need to do. And there are people here who are piecing their relationships together after two or three YEARS.

This is going to be a long, hard road. And there is still no guarantee that you will get what you want, which is reconciliation and a renewed relationship with your husband. But you have to be willing to be patient. I'll tell you the same thing I've been telling myself for weeks: "It didn't take you 3 weeks for your relationship to get to this point, and it's not going to take you 3 weeks to get out of it."

My husband is a very stubborn person. And even if he was having a small feeling of wanting to come home, he would never admit it. He has too much pride. And would never admit he made a mistake.

This is why the 180's and GAL are important for your well-being, not for the sake of the marriage. If the worst happens, you are going to need to be an emotionally healthy person if you ever want to make any potential future relationship work.

And you might be surprised what happens if you truly begin to change. The detachment is important because you can't let his immediate reactions persuade or dissuade you -- he may suspect that you're trying to change "for him", or manipulate him.

I know its only been 3 weeks, but how do you know when to accept and move on. I feel like I should be there right now. ??

Have patience and have faith, in yourself if not in a higher power. You are a good person and deserve the happiness that you will eventually have, one way or the other.

Three weeks is no time at all. There are some schools of thought that say you have to repeat something 21 times (or for 21 days) in order for it to become ingrained as a habit.

If I remember correctly, The Divorce Remedy says that a wayward spouse may have to wait up to 6 months to become convinced that the changes you are making are genuine and lasting.

[TrentC]

I would also put in another plug for reading the book, and looking at some of the other threads on here about boundary-setting and detachment.

I think you're capable of doing what needs to be done to have the best shot at saving your marriage. But patience is going to be essential for that to happen.

Think of it this way: do you want to push your husband away quickly, or do you want to let him float around by himself until he starts paddling back on his own?

[Esox]

Why would he be offering you back rubs and wanting to sleep with you if he has an eye on another woman? well it is quite flattering to have two women ya know. He could be cake eating.

[Lll54]

I think I put myself in the worst position ever this week. Its been three hard long weeks of torture. I have good days, and I have bad days. The couple of days before he came home to stay, I felt a like I had a little detachement. He called me twice in one day which he hadn't done in three weeks. Normally I would have over analyzed that to shreds. But I remember thinking that night before I went to bed that I didn't even think twice after it happened! yay for me! Then the boys got sick and he decided to stay here for his 5 days with them. (He works shift work 5 on, 5 of) Obviously, I agreed cause I didn't want them leaving the house. Now I feel like it is three weeks ago and he is leaving all over again today. He's been here two nights and this morning we played with the boys and it felt "normal" again. Only to hear him say he is going back tonight. Back to square one. I feel like I am never going to heal from this! I am going to counselling but it isn't doing anything, because my focus right now is getting my husband back, not moving on with my life. Everyone keeps talking about my well being. Well honestly, I don't seem to care about that right now? I don't know how to care about it. All I care about is my husband, and getting him home. Then I can care about my well being again. Just my honest feelings. A couple weeks ago we got into a heated discussion and i told him that I feel like I don't know who he truly is. And this morning he threw that in my face a few times. And really wouldn't drop it. I wasn't sure how to handle it without making him angry so I kind of ignored it. Any thoughts as to why he would bring that up now?

[Lll54]

And you're right Trent. I don't want to push him away I want to give him time to realize and come home. But patience is definitely not my strong suit. I don't have any. He knows that about me. It has only been 3 weeks, but it feels like three years. And with xmas coming, I'm scared to death to not have my husband with me to celebrate with our children.

[Coach]

I think I put myself in the worst position ever this week. Its been three hard long weeks of torture. I have good days, and I have bad days. The couple of days before he came home to stay, I felt a like I had a little detachement. He called me twice in one day which he hadn't done in three weeks. Normally I would have over analyzed that to shreds. But I remember thinking that night before I went to bed that I didn't even think twice after it happened! yay for me! Then the boys got sick and he decided to stay here for his 5 days with them. (He works shift work 5 on, 5 of) Obviously, I agreed cause I didn't want them leaving the house. Now I feel like it is three weeks ago and he is leaving all over again today. He's been here two nights and this morning we played with the boys and it felt "normal" again. Only to hear him say he is going back tonight. Back to square one. I feel like I am never going to heal from this! I am going to counselling but it isn't doing anything, because my focus right now is getting my husband back, not moving on with my life. Everyone keeps talking about my well being. Well honestly, I don't seem to care about that right now? I don't know how to care about it. All I care about is my husband, and getting him home. Then I can care about my well being again. Just my honest feelings. A couple weeks ago we got into a heated discussion and i told him that I feel like I don't know who he truly is. And this morning he threw that in my face a few times. And really wouldn't drop it. I wasn't sure how to handle it without making him angry so I kind of ignored it. Any thoughts as to why he would bring that up now?

I can help you but you need to start by changing your thinking. Interested?

[Lll54]

Of course I am. That's why I'm on here. I don't know how to change my way of thinking. I've been trying for three weeks. Thank you

[TrentC]

I think I put myself in the worst position ever this week. Its been three hard long weeks of torture. I
have good days, and I have bad days.

That's about what the first three weeks of my sitch were like. Closer to five, really.

Now I feel like it is three weeks ago and he is leaving all over again today. He's been here two nights and this morning we played with the boys and it felt "normal" again. Only to hear him say he is going back tonight. Back to square one.

And this is why I keep suggesting that you find a copy of the book and read the articles on detachment. Until you can start caring about yourself first, you not going to get anywhere with him.

Maybe you're like me -- you'll have to founder for a few weeks, zig-zagging between highs and lows, before you get the message. If so, we'll be patient.

I feel like I am never going to heal from this! I am going to counselling but it isn't doing anything, because my focus right now is getting my husband back, not moving on with my life. Everyone keeps talking about my well being. Well honestly, I don't seem to care about that right now? I don't know how to care about it. All I care about is my husband, and getting him home. Then I can care about my well being again. Just my honest feelings.

You've been begging, pleading, and pursuing him for 3 weeks, right? What makes you think chasing him for another 3 weeks, or 3 months, is going to make any difference?

If something is not working, don't do it any more. You yourself said that taking some control back by denying him a place in your bed had an impact. That should be proof enough that trying something different than the normal, "rational" responses, may be what is needed.

There is no magic bullet that will patch things up. He was heading down this path for weeks before he dropped the bomb on you. He's not going to change course after a single night at home. It's going to be dozens -- hundreds, maybe -- of small victories that will add up

A couple weeks ago we got into a heated discussion and i told him that I feel like I don't know who he truly is. And this morning he threw that in my face a few times. And really wouldn't drop it. I wasn't sure how to handle it without making him angry so I kind of ignored it. Any thoughts as to why he would bring that up now?

Don't believe anything that he says right now. He's trying to convince himself (and you) that you just need to call it quits.

This is the same guy who wanted to sleep in the same bed with you and give you backrubs, right? So do you think that he is intentionally toying with your emotions and making you flip back and forth between happiness and pain, or is it more likely that he's confused as hell and doesn't know what he really wants?

[TrentC]

And you're right Trent. I don't want to push him away I want to give him time to realize and come home. But patience is definitely not my strong suit. I don't have any. He knows that about me.

Sounds like you have your first 180, right there. (Don't worry, it's my first 180 as well.)

I'd start drawing up some plans for how you want to spend the holidays without him in the picture. Can you take the kids and go home to your family?

Trust me, if he's expecting you to be mopey and depressed because you won't be with family, how do you think he's going to react if you say "I called my parents and we're going to have a big family Christmas this year!"