Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

cat04, I understand why you are confused, so am I, but not as much anymore.

I have told him many times that I love him, not so much to come home, but that "I wouldn't be doing all this if I didn't love you and want you with us and if I didn't love you unconditionally" But, I am not saying any of that anymore, he knows and he needs to figure it all out on his own.

The reason I say I don't know if I want him back is because I don't want to go thru all this again in a few years, don't want to be hurt, cheated on, etc. But, that is just my defense mechanisims coming out, who would want that to happen? And, I talk to my friends, and cry to them, and they remind me of all he has done to me and I start to feel like I don't want him. I don't want the him he is now, I want my loving, caring, faithful, great Dad, etc. back. So, I guess what I am saying is...I don't want this man back, but if he did the work and came out of the fog, I would be willing to see where that could go, nothing is for certain. I am sure throughout this whole process most normal people go back and forth..because when someone has hurt you to the level my XH has hurt me, you can't help but wonder if you are crazy for wanting someone who could do that to you back in your life. I have often wonder what is wrong with me that I want someone who could hurt me and my kids so badly.

As far as...would I want him if we had no kids, no ow, no history...that is impossible to know because I wouldn't know anything about him to know if he is what I want...would I want to date him the way he is right now...hell no!! He is a mess, he is totally lost, he has lost everything and doesn't see it or want to even be there for his kids...but if I met the man he was before MLC started, took the time to find out all about him, like we did when we met and dated, then YES, I would want to see what the future holds, cause I did do that and I married him and stayed married to him for almost 18 yrs, and had none of this happened we would still be married.

I never wanted a D, and no matter what anyone says, I had no choice, I couldn't leave the state without a D and I had to get away for many reasons and I had to do it then because of D16 being in HS and not wanting to mess things up for college. I would love to see what the future would hold with XH, the one who was the love of my life, the one who cried when he held our babies after they were born, the one who held my head when I was sick, surprised me each holiday, spoiled me, coudldn't keep his hands off me even after 18 plus years together, etc. Yes, that man I want back, but I have no idea if he exists anymore, and I am worrying about me now. I am working on me, I have no idea what the future hold, and I will never say never. XH is doing his thing and who knows what that will be next. I do want him back in my kids life..they matter more to me than I do! They never deserved for this to happen to them and it is awful, so I am helping them deal with it all and that is very time consuming. If he moved up here and we never got back together, I would be totally fine with that too, my kids need him no matter what, I will be fine either way!

I will continue to STFU!! I am going to have teeth marks in my tounge and lips, but it will be worth it to just know I was able to do it!! Thanks everyone so much, I am blessed to have this board and the people on here to help me!!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs, T-21
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[cat04]

A,

That was such a clear and thoughtful response. Thank you.

Ok so where do you start?

First, the time must come for you to let go of the past. The old marriage is gone. It is dead. It sounds like you had some wonderful memories, keep those, and find your way to accept that that was then…

Next, stop talking to friends and family about this. They want you to not hurt. And they will not understand if, down the road, you two do get back together. Especially if you keep telling them all of the things he has done and you keep crying and moping about it.
They will want you to move on, definitely with some one else, who has not done that to you. Come and talk and vent here. Find a counselor, be it therapist or religious person, if that is what you think might help you.

Ok so you never wanted a D, but you got one. You had your reasons and right now that is the position you are in. A part of life and there really is no need to explain it any further than you have. IMO.

Also IMO, I don’t know if you are ready to answer the what kind of person would want this anymore questions. The simple fact is, at this point in your journey, it is what you want, even you fight it tooth and nail. Accept it.

Then start looking in the mirror.

Keep contact with XH to kids stuff right now. It is probably the best thing for you, to keep you less confused and not worrying so much about what he is doing.

At the moment, you really, really, really need to put your focus on you and your kids. Let your XH blow in the breeze and go whichever way he is going. Right now it is the best thing for you both.

Time is always on our side.

[Augtan]

Thank you sooo much cat04!! You are right on the money, and I can just feel that you really care and know what you are talking about!

XH called twice tonight to talk to D10, first when she wasn't with me and I talked to him a few minutes just telling him where she was and normal "how are you's" Then, she called him back and at the end of conversations she say "oh you want to talk to Mom, here she is" I get on the phone and he is kinda laughing..I said "hi, how are you" he says "fine" I just kinda sat there and he goes "I really didn't ask to talk to you, she just said that" Normally that would have set me off, I would have gotton upset and told him how mean that was, etc. But, instead I just said "Oh, okay...I will just talk to you later" He said "okay, have a good night", I said "you too". I am again proud of myself. I am really making strides!!

I told my family he was going to counseling, but didn't really say much more. They do love him, they are just really angry at him. They have been his only family for 21 years, my Dad and him were really close, were from the beginning. I have 3 sisters no brother's so I think my XH was like as son to my Dad. I am going to take your advice and not talk about it to really anyone, but my friends who understand cause they have been thougth it too. You are so right, they don't want me to hurt anymore and want me to move on.

My mom was so funny tonight cause she has been really stand-offish about me dating or anything cause she thinks I am not "ready", but tonight we were talking about a family friend I am back in touch with, whose brother I was good friends with long ago. He just happens to be divorced too, my mom for the first time said "maybe you should hook up with him, he is cute and a good guy" I just laughed and said "you never know, I will see him on Saturday, who knows!!" And, really who does know. I just want to be happy and end the drama that my life has been for 3 years. I am just going to do my thing and let XH do his..Thanks again!!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs, T-21
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[brandnewday]

I have been following along.....

And it seems as though your moods and your happiness are dictated by your Husband.

You still need t learn how to detach from him, and what he says.

If he is in fact MLC there will be many highs and many lows and if you allow yourself to be sucked into his drama or his mood of the day, you will spin out of control.

Find yourself first.

[Augtan]

Ok, people are going to go crazy when I say this, but I have to anyway....

This sight is called Divorcebusting...it says at the top that "you can save your marriage even if your spouse wants out" etc. So, here is what I have a problem with..why everyone keeps saying it isn't about saving your marriage, or getting your spouse back, when IT IS about that!! I understand all the stuff about GAL, making changes for you, detaching, all of that, but the goal is still suppose to be the same or it would just be a self-help book, site, message board...not a marriage saving site, a book about saving your marriage, etc. That is what it is about!! So, while I totally get what everyone is saying and how doing it has to be real, you have to make the real changes or your S will just see through it, you have to do it for you just in case it doesn't work and they don't come back, you have made some progress and are moving forward without them too. But, again the purpose I am on here is to get my XH to want to come home, so it is about that too!! If it doesn't happen I am not going to die, fall of the earth, end up committed or anything. I will move on, I will still be a mother to my kids, I will still go to work each day, life will go on. But, I started looking at me and working on me because my H left me and I wanted him to come back home.

Don't get me wrong, I am not arguing with one thing about what needs to be done and how to do it, what the motivation is, but I am not going to lie to myself and say there isn't a part of me that is doing it to get my XH back, cause that is what somewhat motivates me to do all I am doing. And, really I am not ashamed of it, that is what the book, site's main theme is...divorcebusting!! So, your H, W, XH or XW is part of your motivation or you would chose a different site that is based on moving on, improving yourself for that reason, and leaving your X in the past. Just my thoughts, and I know I am going to get lamblasted for saying it, but....I really believe all of us are here or started out here with the purpose of saving our marriage!!

I am not at all being sucked into anything to do with him, I really don't have time for that, but I do want to tell what happens with him here, because everyone tells you not to tell your family and friends, and I want to share it with someone. I am not wrapped up in it, just reporting what is going on. My mood was elevated the other night when he said he was starting C, because I am happy about that, no matter what it does for "us" if anything at all, I want him to be happy and come out of all this, in order to be a better Dad to our kids, if it does anything else... that is just a bonus.

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs, T-21
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I really believe all of us are here or started out here with the purpose of saving our marriage!!

So do I.

Hrnmmm. I'm not going to lambast you, that sounds a little too kinky for a first date anyway.

Here is the deal.

You save your marriage by becoming a better person. You cannot change your husband. You can change yourself. When you become a better person...really become a better person, it greatly improves the chances that your husband realizes what he might lose.

That self change...is self help.

The self help is what paves the way for reconcilliation.

Knowing that it is real, and that you did this for yourself and not him, that is what makes it real. It is not temporary.

DBing does not guarentee that it will save your marriage.
DBing gives you the best shot at it.

So Aug,

You improve yourself...for real, not some half assed attempt and you give yourself the best chance at saving your marriage. You don't repeat mistakes you know are mistakes, you don't justify bad decisions and you live a better you, and maybe, just maybe your husband says to himself..."This is the woman I used to be married to."

Sadly you are in MLC...so it takes awhile for them to pull their head out of their a$$ before they see it, and even then it takes them awhile to trust that the new you is really real.

[kjensen]

Well stated J3B!

Augtan,

Its not about being the better option to OW.

In MLC, its about letting your Ex learn what he has to learn, no matter how hard it is to watch from the sidelines, no matter how much it may hurt you or the kids. Its about unconditional love.

Its about taking this time to focus on you and making you the best that you can be. That is often the only way to survive a spouse's MLC-don't get swept up in their struggle, b/c you can't fix anything for them..

If/when they get through what they have to get through, you will be a whole, functioning, best-you that you can be. They will see what they missed and hopefully will come to the conclusion that YOU is what they want in their life afterall! And then the real hard work begins! :-))

[brandnewday]

Yes, the goal of this site is to save our marriages.

But unfortunately not everyone gets to do that for various reasons.

We also get to become much better people, and learn how to deal with life in a much more positive way.

There is nothing we can do to make our WAS come home again, they are free willed adults who can make their own choices. Sometimes their choices do not include us.

I am sorry if I upset you, but you do get sucked into his drama, it is very blatent from your posts here. Your moods are based on how your interaction was with him.

And if it makes you feel any better, we all did this and we all acted that way in the begining.

(((hugs)))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

BND is right Aug.

You react like a boat in his ocean.

When you should be reacting like a boat...in your ocean.

[Augtan]

I appreciate no one going off on me..cause all I keep hearing is that it is about you and only you and not trying to work on your R with S. I have written several times that I get you have to work on you and make real changes. I am working on that day by day. I really don't at all feel like a boat in his ocean, his ocean is 700 miles away, I have no idea 98% of the time what he is doing or where he is, so I am not ruled by his emotions. I just wanted to vent here about that specific topic since I am not suppose to tell friends and family. I was just sharing what I did know and hear about in reference to XH, it is far and few between and that is fine with me. I am super busy with three kids, raising them alone, working full-time, etc.

I haven't talked, e-mailed, IM'd or texted with XH in days! Normally we IM at least 1 or 2 times over a few days, and that hasn't happened at all. I am very glad about that, casue when i see him sign-on it is hard not to say a word to him. I have a feeling things are not good with OW, but who knows, and I will never ask!! He knows I GAL, he was here and saw me. He also thinks many other things...such as I am dating someone, talking to my HS boyfriend, and talking to his nephew (he is older than me, and divorced too). Only a couple of those are true, and none of his business either way. He snoops about it on his own, I have never denied or led him to believe any of them are true or not. So, I am just sitting back, living my life and freezing my butt off...I am wishing I never left Georgia!! But, OW would not still be breathing if I was there, let's just say I would have been an episode of "Snapped" forsure. I have come a long, long way!!
Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs, T-21
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09