Magnificent

[Kalni]

Sorry your mom was admitted mish. I hope it all turns out well in the end. And I think her staying in the hospital is better than you having to take her to all the docs she would have to go.
(((Hugs)))

Let him vacuum and while he is there, tell him to cook, do the laundry and iron.
K

[mishka422]

You all are so funny! I love the support I get from you all. CRACK UP!

Mom isn't doing any better, but she isn't any worse either. I've been sitting in her room for nearly 3 hours now waiting for her to come back from dialysis. They had her out for an MRI and a nuclear study early this morning so I think she has been in her room a grand total of 1 hour today. I'm not sure how long I'm going to make it tonight, but I defnitely have to stay until I make sure she eats dinner. Yes, there is a full medical staff but they are also taking care of an insane number of patients. She is in the acute care wing of the hospital. Not quite ICU, but one step down.

As far as Gabe, I just don't want to ask him to do anything. I mean really, he left partly because he didn't want the responsibility of taking care of anyone or anything. He flat out told me that my mom and all her needs were one of the reasons he just couldn't bear to be in our M anymore. How sad is that? I guess if his mother ever gets deathly ill and can't care for herself he's going to just let her end up in a state run institution so he doesn't have to disrupt his life. I asked him to take care of Marc last night only because Marc is his responsibility whether he likes it or not. Too freakin' bad if it disrupted his evening with the broom! Of course, he was only there with Marc until 7pm. I didn't get home from the hospital until 10:30pm. He had 'stuff to do' as he told Marc and just left him there.

Yes, Marc is nearly 15 and can mostly take care of himself. It's just never a good idea to leave a minor alone for that length of time, in the evening when he can get himself into a whole bunch of mischief. It makes me very nervous.

I'm going to take a little dive here people, I hope you will bear with me. I need to get some stuff out of my head. All this time sitting and waiting in a hospital filled with sick people that I hear moaning and crying is making me a little nuts.

There are no happy endings. Not really, just endings. People will make claims of love and caring but only in order to get what they want out of you. It's up to us whether we fall for it or not.

I loved fully and freely with the expectation that the love and support was going to be returned. When it wasn't any longer I woke up to realize that it never had really been there. It was an act. There was a time that I was blind to people's act, the masks they wear, the lies they tell. I was gullible and totally naive. Now that my eyes have been rudely opened, I just wish I could shut them again. I don't like seeing this in people. Someone will say something kind to me and my first thought is now, "yeah right. Like you really mean that! What do you want from me?" It makes me a little sick that my mind goes to that cynical place automatically now, but it's reality in far too many cases. Just sad.

In the end, we are all alone. In the end, it doesn't matter what we've done in our lives, who we've surrounded ourselves with, who we thought we loved. In the end we are set adrift by the very people we cared for and shared our souls with.

I told you it was a dive into the pit! I warned you! So, if you read the above and it depressed you, you knew it was coming.

So, the next goal? Just to get to tomorrow without getting myself tore up in the process.

Long term goal? Get healthy. What do I need to do in order to do that?

1)Make time for myself. Even 30 minutes to exercise would help.
2)Dump all non-healthy food from my home.
3)Follow the renal-patient eating plan to the letter.
4)Learn to ignore my inner voice that says it isn't worth it because I'm not worth it.
5)Stop focusing on living just for Marc and mom and find a way to want to live for me.

Yeah, they're going to be hard. But with help and support I think I can do it. I have friends who may be able to help if I can get the time.

[MichelleLT]

Those are awesome goals!!!!

And I totally understand your mentality - you went from one extreme to the other. It's a protective mechanism hon, and we understand why you feel that way. Some people are users and manipulative. And we all have our moments.

Some people, like you, are genuinely nice people. There are a few more out there like you too.

Overall, the world falls somewhere in the middle I think.

But if we could trust everyone, would we value trust? And if we were always happy, would we treasure those happy memories and moments?

Probably not. We have to experience the bad to appreciate the good.

[Kalni]

mish,
dont think you are the only one. Sometimes I close my eyes wishing that I didnt know anything, that I was still living in a lie because now, EVERYTHING seems a lie (often).

It's hard but we need to see things in their real sizes (hmm well, maybe feel some too, lol!!!)
K

[mishka422]

But if we could trust everyone, would we value trust? And if we were always happy, would we treasure those happy memories and moments?

That is a very good statement Michelle. Great way to look at it.

Probably not. We have to experience the bad to appreciate the good.

Why does the bad just keep coming with no good to balance it out though? I'm so exhausted from 2 years of totally bad.

[mishka422]

A funny thing happened on the way home from the hospital.....

I had to stop at the store on my way home to pick up some cheese and bread to have with the pesto I was going to make for Marc and I. It so happened that the way I was coming home made the most convenient store to stop at the supermarket Gabe works at in the deli. I refuse to go out of my way to another store just to avoid the possibility of running in to him. What I needed is right over next to the Deli. I didn't know if he was at work or not but low and behold he was. I saw him but he didn't see me just then. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing out loud seeing him with one of those shower cap things on his head! HA! I got what I needed and turned and walked toward the checkout. I thought I caught sight of him looking at me as I turned but wasn't sure. I got in the car and within 2 minutes I got a text from him:

G-How is your mom doing?
M-The same. Still in the hospital. I'm on my way home now.
G-Were you just at my store?
M-Yes. Why? You there?
G-Yes, I thought I saw you but wasn't sure it was you.
M-Yeah. Had to pick up some cheese and bread for dinner. Didn't think to look for you. Sorry.
G-Thats ok. Have a good night.

Hee hee....it cracked me up at least...

[Reincarnated]

Yes, that other post was down, but look at how you ended it:

Long term goal? Get healthy. What do I need to do in order to do that?

1)Make time for myself. Even 30 minutes to exercise would help.
2)Dump all non-healthy food from my home.
3)Follow the renal-patient eating plan to the letter.
4)Learn to ignore my inner voice that says it isn't worth it because I'm not worth it.
5)Stop focusing on living just for Marc and mom and find a way to want to live for me.

Yeah, they're going to be hard. But with help and support I think I can do it. I have friends who may be able to help if I can get the time.

I don't remember you ever coming around to the positive within the same post, when you start off "in the pit." THAT IS HUGE!! Great job! And, things since then sounded better.
Having your mom in the hospital has to be hard, but in a way a relief, too - you have some help in looking after her, don't have to worry about the shower, etc....
(I am surprised that they didn't get you something to eat when you were there - but no cafeteria there for you?)

[mishka422]

There is a cafeteria but it has very limited hours (which is surprising since it's a HUGE hospital) and the food leaves a lot to be desired. I can get an in/out pass for the parking lot so I don't have to keep paying to ransom my car so I can leave and get something. That is just time away from her than freaks her out though.

She seems a little stronger today but still nowhere near enough to come home. They can't find anything wrong with her that is out of the normal for her so it's extremely frustrating.

Thanks for the kudos Donna. It is a constant struggle to keep from being 'in the pit' all the time. Being aware of that and working my way away from it is pretty difficult, but I'm sure it's nothing less than anyone else deals with. It just seems so unnatural to be persistently aware of how you express your feelings and watching everything you say so that others don't perceive you in a certain light. How the heck does someone keep this up their whole life? I don't know how I'm going to do it! It's exhausting!

[kat727]

You won't "be keeping this up your whole life" because you will begin to feel differently about your life. It doesn't happen overnight but you do have to keep that image in your mind of how you want your life to be. then it is just working to get there.

No one thinks you need to be "on" all the time. In fact I am sure that would notice if things didn't get to you. Just be yourself. Let the facade go.

hugs, kat

[mishka422]

Yeah, I'd love to let the facade go sometime. I'm afraid I'll end up locked up if I do that in front of anyone though!

That facade (mask) is my safety. There is a lot of fear in me that if people see me, really see me, they will all disappear from my life. I don't want to end up completely without friends or family in my life so I don't share the things I share with all of you. This is the ultimate safety.

Did that make any sense? Hmmmm....not so sure.

Still at the hospital and it's not sounding like she's leaving here any time soon. We'll see. She asked for a bath expecting the tech to give her a sponge bath. The nurse came in, fixed the water basin, found a bar of soap and brought towels and told her she should be able to do it herself since she is mobile. Mom didn't like that idea much! I told her if the nurse wasn't helping then neither was I. They want her doing it herself. She did it though! Then physical therapy came in and made her walk both with a walker and without one. She was boo hooing the whole time but she made it. The therapist said that she wants to get her home PT when she's discharged so they might be able to get her walking in the neighborhood. She looked at the woman like she had lost her mind and told her in no uncertain terms that she has arthritis in her knees and couldn't walk more than a few steps at a time. She just told her that with therapy she just might be surprised. I love it when someone other than me gets tough with her. HA!