Look, you have two kids. There must be some communication if there is going to be co-parenting. You could set up an intermediary that could pass information back and forth between you to if communication with him is just too painful for you. This person would strip out all the emotional garbage and just pass on the facts dealing with the kids.
I ask about the NC because I don't know what you are getting from it. Most people do it to protect themselves for either their spouse's anger, from an active addiction, or from the details of an active affair.
And I don't believe for one minute that your H isn't having an A. He seems to need validation from women to prove his own self-worth. If he isn't getting it from you he is probably getting it from someone else. I've seen tons of these situations and I can only recall a few that didn't involve an affair. And if his is having one it explains so much of his behavior.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
I don't even know anymore. I thought I was doing it to protect myself from his anger and hurtful responses, but I do feel I need to be braver. I thought he needed space to quit telling me D all the time too.
Does your H know why you are in NC?
Probably not. But he is now doing it back!
Look, you have two kids. There must be some communication if there is going to be co-parenting. You could set up an intermediary that could pass information back and forth between you to if communication with him is just too painful for you. This person would strip out all the emotional garbage and just pass on the facts dealing with the kids.
I ask about the NC because I don't know what you are getting from it. Most people do it to protect themselves for either their spouse's anger, from an active addiction, or from the details of an active affair.
And I don't believe for one minute that your H isn't having an A. He seems to need validation from women to prove his own self-worth. If he isn't getting it from you he is probably getting it from someone else. I've seen tons of these situations and I can only recall a few that didn't involve an affair. And if his is having one it explains so much of his behavior.
I thought I knew what I was doing, but now I feel like I've applied DB totally wrong. I feel like a failure. I do think I need to resume contact again because this NC is not doing a thing for me other than avoiding the situation. I just don't know how to start up again since I stopped communication when I didn't show up for the C session out of fear of more hurt.
Please someone give me advice on how to get this back on track. I am angry at him for this but I can handle it. I don't know how to get communication started again without being pursuing or even for it to make sense for me to say anything to him. I would rather he admit to an affair because I'm tired being lied to if he is. It would be a dealbreaker because it wouldn't be the first time. I won't forgive this time. I want to try MC, but don't know how to start again because I bailed and he only wants to use the C I don't believe is experienced enough.
Thanks for checking in on me Esox.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Make the communication about the kids, not about your marriage.
Send him a text, keep is short and light. Something like "H can you watch the kids on Saturday night. I've plans and before I get a sitter I would like to give you the first option." And that is enough.
He may ignore your message. But I doubt it. He'll want to know where you are going and with whom. Be vague and short. "Just out" is enough of a response.
If he bites on this get yourself as dolled up as you can. Wear something incredibly sexy, nice perfume, manicure . . . and don't leave until he sees you. Be in a fablulous mood. Smile and laugh when you greet him.
Make real plans to go out dancing with your girlfriends. Let men flirt with you. You need to know that you are still attractive and that you deserve better than what your husband is giving you. This situation has got to be hell on your self-esteem. A little validation will make you feel wonderful. I'm not telling you to go home with anyone, but I certainly would dance with any man that asked.
You are going to be o.k. Really.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
Make the communication about the kids, not about your marriage.
Send him a text, keep is short and light. Something like "H can you watch the kids on Saturday night. I've plans and before I get a sitter I would like to give you the first option." And that is enough.
He may ignore your message. But I doubt it. He'll want to know where you are going and with whom. Be vague and short. "Just out" is enough of a response.
If he bites on this get yourself as dolled up as you can. Wear something incredibly sexy, nice perfume, manicure . . . and don't leave until he sees you. Be in a fablulous mood. Smile and laugh when you greet him.
Make real plans to go out dancing with your girlfriends. Let men flirt with you. You need to know that you are still attractive and that you deserve better than what your husband is giving you. This situation has got to be hell on your self-esteem. A little validation will make you feel wonderful. I'm not telling you to go home with anyone, but I certainly would dance with any man that asked.
You are going to be o.k. Really.
And that's how things start.
External validation, attention, flirting - but... and here is that "but...", what is your goal.
Why did your husband leave?
What was so bad that he had to leave you?
You can try but my gut instinct says that making him jealous isn't going to work in this situation, it might actually make him happy to the point of him thinking "finally I'll get some peace from this person, she won't be bothering me anymore"
how about a heart felt apology? A real sorry, feel his pain, empathize with his feelings, realize what behaviors on your part drove him away. Don't accept blame for everything just your part in all of this.
It isn't really about making him jealous. It is about her getting a life. It is about her taking steps to show that she is a strong attactive woman that isn't going to sit and weight forever. Plus I think she needs a little ego-stroking of her own.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
@robx -- I have tried a heart felt apology months ago and he said that he didn't believe it. I've apologized numerous times and he said I didn't need to apologize because it won't work. I still don't know what was so severe that he walked away. He has not given me a concrete answer and just said we grew apart. Then he would say other minor things that didn't make sense and I think he was grasping at straws for an excuse. But when I asked him to please explain what is the reason so I can understand, he just would say it didn't matter.
All I know about driving him away was that I got extremely angry that he was behaving like he was in an affair and I was calling him on it and he didn't care about my feelings. It only escalated my anger that he would keep doing whatever he wanted and wouldn't be "controlled" by me or told what he could or couldn't do. I know that made me extremely UNattractive to keep getting so angry about it and we had a huge blowup and he moved out. So, to me more signs of an affair even though he SWEARS and is extremely offended I don't trust him. Whatever... his behavior doesn't make sense if he isn't in an affair.
@Esox -- I have been getting a life and do feel like a strong attractive woman. I've been having many people tell me so--that feels good. I do deserve much more than what he is giving me. But, I think he is incapable of feeling jealous. I think he is in a EA/PA, but I don't want to know any details. It would be too painful for me. He had told me I deserved better than him, that he is bad at dealing with his emotions, that he is not good as a husband. That he doesn't know how to make me happy.
I did have enough of the NC... I'm ducking now for a possible 2x4. I asked him if he wanted to try again for MC. How would he know after I bailed on him that I'm willing to try again? I made it short and reiterated that I do want us to communicate and become a family again and that I recognize my mistakes and would like to work on correcting things in the future. I don't think the silent treatment works in my sitch. I see us both as cowards at trying to fix our sitch and I have to step up and start carefully guiding us towards reconciliation. I just not used to leading in our R. I don't know if he will reply, but I at least tried.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I'd bet he walked away because he became attracted to another woman; he thought the grass was greener somewhere else. If he would have paused for a moment and thought; perhaps he would have come to the conclusion that the grass at home would be just as green if he would just stop pissing on it and just cared for it a little bit.
Waywards lie. Always. So you really think he is going to tell you the truth about another woman? He won't. If you had an encounter on video he would argue that you are taking it the wrong way. . . she is just a friend . . . she just stumbled and fell upon his penis. . .
It is really pathetic if you think about it.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
@Esox--I do agree he wouldn't tell me the truth about OW.
H responded to my email saying that regardless of where C takes us, we need to learn to communicate for the sake of the kids. He totally blew off where I put that I want to work on bringing our family back together and work on a better future as partners. He's such an a$$. Just wants to communicate for the kids' sake and nothing more.
Any suggestions on what to reply or even how to calmly deal with this for myself?
I'm thinking of giving him an explanation of why I don't like the C he wants and list the two I was recommended. He asked me to let him know who I have in mind for the session.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
He's expecting you to fight with him, disagree with him, argue with him and fight him on everything, be someone who agrees with him.
You have expectations, high expectations and you attach alot of pressure along with those expectations - you need to lower expectations and start removing the pressure you put on these situations, this will make him more comfortable around you and lowering your expectations will make it easier for you as well.
