Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Well, the thought has definitely crossed my mind. I just wonder why he would be offering me back rubs and wanting to sleep in my bed if there was another woman? I dunno.

Because it's not always that cut and dried. Maybe the relationship with the (hypothetical) OW is emotional only? Maybe she's a co-worker? Maybe he's trying to throw you off of the trail by being loving to you? Maybe he wants to eat his cake and have it too?

And he dropped the bomb 3 days later, completely out of nowwhere!

That's usually not the case; there usually have been some kind of warning signs or attempts to reach out beforehand. (Don't worry, I'm guilty of the "out of nowhere" feelings as well.)

That's the only reason why I though "maybe" somebody has triggered his interest...how do you tell? And even worse how do you find out? I could never ask him, he would be outraged at me!

In my case, I had suspicions that led me to snoop on her phone. Once I found the incriminating text msgs, finding other evidence was pretty easy.

I'm not suggesting that you snoop, because you have to be emotionally ready for whatever you may find. (I was not.) It could be as simple as sweet nothings via email or text msgs, or it could be a blow-by-blow of their last sexual encounter. I don't think you can handle finding the latter.

He informed me today that he is taking the kids back to his sisters tonight and staying there the rest of the time he has with them. So I accepted it instead of resisted.

Good. This will give you some time and space to work on 180's and getting a life.

The boys didn't just have tummy ache's. My youngest had a viral pnemonia and they are testing for H1N1, so they want him to be quarantined for 7 days, which isn't until Sunday. That's why I was so concerned they stay home. Especially because his sister has two children under 2 yrs old. That's the last thing I need is for them to get sick too.

So wait -- is your husband talking about moving one of the boys against medical advice? That is something to be concerned about, especially if he's potentially exposing his sister's kids to some nasty bug!

I understand the control issues that Rob is talking about. I see that I probably went about that all wrong. I just really wanted a repeat of the night before! I wanted to have some good conversation. And make him feel relaxed in the house WITH me. But it didn't work.

No, because it relies on something that you can't control: your husband.

I really suck at this whole situation. I truly believe he isn't coming home and I don't know how to get to the acceptance part of my grief. I desperately want to get there. But it feels impossible right now.

OK, first off, you're nowhere near there yet. This has been less than a month for you; I'm working on close to two months and am just now getting the basics of what I need to do. And there are people here who are piecing their relationships together after two or three YEARS.

This is going to be a long, hard road. And there is still no guarantee that you will get what you want, which is reconciliation and a renewed relationship with your husband. But you have to be willing to be patient. I'll tell you the same thing I've been telling myself for weeks: "It didn't take you 3 weeks for your relationship to get to this point, and it's not going to take you 3 weeks to get out of it."

My husband is a very stubborn person. And even if he was having a small feeling of wanting to come home, he would never admit it. He has too much pride. And would never admit he made a mistake.

This is why the 180's and GAL are important for your well-being, not for the sake of the marriage. If the worst happens, you are going to need to be an emotionally healthy person if you ever want to make any potential future relationship work.

And you might be surprised what happens if you truly begin to change. The detachment is important because you can't let his immediate reactions persuade or dissuade you -- he may suspect that you're trying to change "for him", or manipulate him.

I know its only been 3 weeks, but how do you know when to accept and move on. I feel like I should be there right now. ??

Have patience and have faith, in yourself if not in a higher power. You are a good person and deserve the happiness that you will eventually have, one way or the other.

Three weeks is no time at all. There are some schools of thought that say you have to repeat something 21 times (or for 21 days) in order for it to become ingrained as a habit.

If I remember correctly, The Divorce Remedy says that a wayward spouse may have to wait up to 6 months to become convinced that the changes you are making are genuine and lasting.